First page

Hi, I'm Orange, nice to meet you!

So, let's see if I can help you somewhat...

First, I think you should give this a real title, so that the reader has some idea in advance about your story. It has to be something that piques our curiosity, otherwise we wouldn't take it from a bookshelf either.

Now, about the writing itself. To be honest, it seems to me rather flat. Amaryllis was right, you have no conflict to keep the story going, and Peter also seems like some random guy from the street rather than the main character of a fantasy novel. You shouldn't treat him with such great distance. Try to take a closer look at him, observe his feelings and reactions, and describe the actual happenings from there, instead of telling the reader what they're supposed to see.

I think there is also a problem with the structure of this installment. You tell us about the village, that's okay, then we get to know what a huge event the election is, we are waiting to see what will come out of it, but before it could even begin, in the next paragraph it's already over. We don't need to know that there was an election coming, beacuse the focus is on the outcome of the event, so you should proceed from there and write about the premises later.

I hope you are not offended by anything I said. This is my opinion, it's up to you wheter you take it or not.

If this is a fantasy trilogy, shouldn't this be in the fantasy section...?

I shall review this in blue.

The sunlight shone with a strange magnificence, turning the grey frost into silver diamonds and the brown rain puddles into glassy lakes.#4080BF ">I like this sentence. The #4080BF ">berries on the trees were as bright as #4080BF ">rubies, and the leaves that hung from the shrubs were like glowing emeralds. It was a fine morning and the inhabitants of Ye Old Village #4080BF ">The name sounds a little cliche, it should have a real name. were more than happy to receive it. When the sun had finally risen from the east#4080BF ">"risen from the east" isn't needed...everyone knows it does., the village came alive with #4080BF ">its daily rush of people. The market stalls opened, as did the shops and inns, the farmers began to move their cattle across the vast fields, and the smell of cooking breakfasts filled the air.

The local inn was soon full as the people began to have their morning ale and the bacon that sold from every farmshop #4080BF ">What's a farmshop? in the land was quick to disappear. Most of the village elders were now in their gardens picking weeds and watering plants or simply spying with eager eyes on the local road that lead past their door. This is good description, but it doesn't really grab me and make me want to read the rest. #4080BF ">You should try to make it seem more of a big deal than it comes across as.


The reason for all this movement and excitement was what the village people consider as the most exciting event of the time, the great election. #4080BF ">This sentence was a little awkward...show, don't tell. Just say "The great election was coming" or something. The election of a new Mayor had been the talk of the village for many weeks and now at last the banners and flags had been raised and the many parties had began. #4080BF ">Run-on sentence... The inn would soon lower its prices and the carpenter stores would organise sales. The Dwarfs, Elves and Men would soon gather in their huge numbers to honor the new leader of Ye Old Village.

The entire election, however, was soon over and the village was quite pleased with its new Mayor. #4080BF ">Where is the conflict? You should start a story off with some kind of conflict. Once horseman of the local stables, Brudy Buds, was the top candidate for Mayor and had won the vote by an honourable seventy percent. In fact, so well received was Mayor Buds that the local houses that had been up for sale for damn near a year had all sold in the last week. #4080BF ">Good indirect characterization there. The local inns had taken their prices for ale back up to their usual extortionate price, and the carpenter stores had stopped trying to please foreigners by making the finest furniture that they could. #4080BF ">That last clause doesn't make sense. Were the carpenters trying to make fancy stuff for the foreigners, or were they making the fancy stuff so the foreigners wouldn't be pleased?

Peter Erithan had never had any interest in politics, and #4080BF ">"because of this" is not necessary. the election of a new Mayor had meant very little to him. He had enjoyed the cheaper ale and local parties that the election had brought, but as an eighteen year old farmer he had been forced to enjoy them at a distance. Working long hours on the largest farm in the village had given Peter little chance to interact with the local goings on and this he counted as a blessing. #4080BF ">Maybe "considered as a blessing" would be better? He knew for a fact that the Mayor’s popularity would soon be spent, and that the village elders would soon begin their campaigns to be rid of him, #4080BF ">and this reminded Peter why he had no political ties.

Despite his #4080BF ">feelings about politics, Peter would definitely be present at the new Mayor's first speech, which was soon to begin. This was not because of the people he might meet, or the Mayor’s new policies, #4080BF ">Put a period here and make two separate sentences. it was because of the food, the ale and the music that would all be present at the town hall.

After many hours of working on the farm in the beating heat of the sun, Peter was glad to be dismissed #4080BF ">"and told that his days work was over" Not necessary. His walk home from the farm should have been an easy task, but the crowds of people that had gathered to catch a glimpse of the Mayor in his horse and cart had #4080BF ">had made it the opposite. Now usually Peter could have simply said ‘excuse me please sir’ but the desperation to be the first to see the new village leader had created a hostile atmosphere and the fear of losing their place in the crowd had caused the gathering people to be quite defensive. #4080BF ">This is kind of a run-on sentence...also, You should demonstrate the hostile atmosphere and not just say it is hostile.

“Don’t you dare try and steal my place,” they #4080BF ">shouted. “If you wanted to see the Mayor then you should have #4080BF ">gotten here earlier, like we did.”