Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Once upon a time Dingo walked over the road and saw this person called Limmy andwent over and slapped him and started tearing up.
"why did you do that to me Limmy! u broke my heart into a million shatter shards of glass which can twinkle in the dark void of my soul like broken angels wings making diamonds" he cries Dingo cries.
"Look at me and tell me you don't know the passion in my flaming... uuuhhhmmmmm.
dingo rubbed his eyes and looked her face up at the becautiful limmy who was stroking his long ebony dark silk hair with passion. the passion in her eyes was flaming with passion and the love was burning in passion.
"can you feel the passion" limmy said, puffing his chest out for emphasis on his gorgeous, toned, manly chest.as limmy pressed himself up agaist dingo dingo got blushed and saw limmys muscular form beneath his cold,wet, dripping clothes which clung to his body. "Yo'ur a vampire...aren't you?" dingo asked as the touching part burned bigger.
"What gave it way was it my beautiful orange eyes that glow in the sun like the reflection of the sun that it is" limmy said with her peruvian accent.Dingo moaned 'No it was my heart.'
"mine beats for you likethe snare drum in a heavy metal band on fire. but I'm dying, dingo. I needed the blood but it didn't come before so can I drink your blood straight our of your heart and drink the blood from your viens and heart?"
"Of course you can because i love you. without you i would not be me and you would only be here with you and not me. please suck my beating heart because it beats for you.'
Limmy bent down and stuck her teeth deep into Dingos breast and penetrated the heart, the blood was so slippery and wet.dingo moaned that sensual moan that limmy loved so much and strokes his lovers hair like he strokedher own burning candystick when he was alone.
"limmy" he whispers
"yes my darling dingo"
"I wanna take a ride on your dingo stick.suck my heart faster"
"ok."
the end.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey Genna/Veer/Blackwood. Silly alt accounts.
I won't even bother with the grammar errors. You know what they are. They hurt my eyes. Fix them.
Okay so this got sexual? I think? It was hard to read with all the annoying nitpicks in the way but I digress.
1. Why does Dingo refer to Limmy as a person? Does Limmy not have a gender? If Diego goes on to have sexual relations with Limmy, then Limmy must have a gender, no? Establishing it from the beginning is best, instead of having the reader go, "Wait Limmy is a CHICK?!" during the novel.
2. Speaking of Limmy, they change genders during the novel. Pick one, eh?
3. Why does Diego slap her? Details, details.
4. Seems to me like Diego is a horndog. Question is, what about Limmy gets him going?
5. The fact that Limmy is a vampire is random. How does that make Diego feel?
Okay, so that's all from me. This needs work. I felt nothing while reading this. I didn't even laugh. I just cried inside. If you're gonna troll, at least troll with something good to read. <_<
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
whos diego
whos veer
whos blackwood
lol
black wood
Greetings fallen here to review you.
I liked how it was like a date and it one could have gone, I also enjoyed your twist in making limy a vampire I can honestly say I did not suspect that. I also enjoyed how you spaced out your paragraphs instead of just doing one big old block paragraph that makes it hard to read well done.
Alright first off don't use txt language such as when you wrote, "u broke my heart" use the full word you. Also , " Limmy andwent over and slapped him and started tearing up." just space between the and went and you'll be fine. Just go back and re-read always helps. Also you sentences don't make a lot of sense in a way, the way their phrase makes it hard to understand for instance, " beautiful orange eyes that glow in the sun like the reflection of the sun that it is" perhaps try a different simile. Also just try to add a bit more imagery like instead of writing " stuck her teeth deep" perhaps try fangs. But other than a few grammical errors it was a good read.
~Fallen
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Alright, there is definitely a lot that I can say about this piece. Keep in mind during this review though that I'm here to help. I'm not being harsh or anything, I'm just giving you corrections.
First things first, there are a lot of layout issues with this. And by that I mean grammar and spelling. There are many spots where you should have capitalized things, but they aren't. For example:
The why should be capitalized. It's the beginning of the sentence, yes? That means it must be capitalized. Go back through your story and find the other places that you made this mistake. I trust that you can find them so I'm not going to point them all out. There are also places where you don't capitalize your character's names. Remember, proper nouns, which includes names, are always capitalized.
As for your story, it seems a bit...lacking -- for a lack of better term. Where's the imagery? Where's the setting? Where's the characterization? I want to know what Limmy looks like; I want to know what Dingo looks like. Think of any book you've ever read. The author always gives descriptions. You know what the characters look like and how they react to certain things. That's something you're lacking in this story. When you go back and edit through this, make sure to add some of that.
The last thing I have to say is that this is rather short. It seems more like a short story than a novel chapter. But you have it under the novel category. If this is indeed a chapter, you'll want to leave some more information to add to later chapters. This chapter ends with "the end", making me assume that it's over. I got the fact that Linny is a vampire, but why exactly is that important? Did she and Dingo have a long relationship before this and she's just now telling him about her true form? And when did they first meet? Were they childhood friends that turned into lovers or did they meet by chance? I'm yearning for more information here.
If you ever edit this let me know. I'd be happy to come back and look at it again.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**