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The broken suns: prologue

by GeneviveKate


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

                                                                   PROLOGUE 

I am in love with two people. They are the reason my heart beats out of control, but also why it's being chipped away at. Ulyssa is the one that started this. They are the person that started my love for them and Roman. I dated Ulyssa for a little while, but they broke it off because they were in love with Roman. Roman is the guy that is funny enough to put a smile on my face when he walks in the room. Roman is not afraid to show emotions to everyone. He's the guy that will always protect the people he loves. 

When Ulyssa started dating Roman, I know I was supposed to be happy to be happy and I was don't get me wrong. It just hurt to know that Ulyssa was happy without me. So when Ulyssa ask my thoughts I put on my first of many fake smiles and told them that I thought they were perfect for each other. During that I felt my heart start to crumble like shattered glass. With one look at Roman you could see the love in his eyes for Ulyssa. You could the love right back in Ulyssa's eyes. That's when the sun of my life became the dagger that shattered my heart.


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Sun Jun 09, 2019 12:29 am
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DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



Hey there, attempting to sneak in a review for Team Tortoise before my counter restarts!

I would normally start with nit-picks but you only have one which is a repeat of "to be happy" in the first line of the second paragraph. So I'll go to overall stuff.

The thing here that I like is the idea of someone being in love with both people in the relationship. I can see to this leading to some really interesting problems and interpersonal dynamics. However, I think I could do with a bit more from this prologue. What you have here is sort of more like a blurb if that makes sense? Like, you're telling me what the concept of the story is. But what I don't have is an ability to invest in the characters. You're telling me a bit about what they're like, but I don't get to see any of the actions they do or the things they say or the interactions they have with the narrator. This means I have to take the narrator's word for it that this character I've never heard of before is something really, really special. I know it's a prologue so it doesn't need to be as long as a chapter, but I think you could benefit from this being set in some sort of scene that doesn't have immediate plot relevance, like just an average day where you can show what life is like. Alternatively, you could keep it this way and just include more details that are particular to these characters - maybe mannerisms or catchphrases - something specific to make these people feel unique.

I also don't think that someone is necessarily expected to be happy for their ex when their ex gets into a new relationship. That's understandably painful, especially if that person was left for that new relationship. I'm actually not sure I understand why the narrator is still in their lives. They could have agreed to be friends, but that's not guaranteed to happen when a couple splits up so you'd have to establish why that was the case I think. I mean I can understand wanting to stay around people you're in love with, but I can also imagine being rather annoyed at being left for someone else.

One more thing! I adore you for using gender neutral pronouns for one of your characters (non-binary gender?) and for having a narrator who seems to be bisexual/biromantic. Happy pride month! *waves flag*

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:36 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there GeneviveKate,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review on this piece of work.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :


They are the reason my heart beats out of control, but also why it's being chipped away at.
I don't really like the ending of this sentence. It feels rather unfinished.

They are the person that started my love for them and Roman.
"They are the person?" That doesn't make much sense. Using 'they' kind of implies that there is more then one person however 'person' is singular in composition.

I dated Ulyssa for a little while, but they broke it off because they were in love with Roman.
What's with the use of the word 'they?' Are you trying to be ambiguous in the description or what? Because the way it's written points to the character being a singular person however 'they' is used more for multiple people.

I was supposed to be happy to be happy and I was



Overall comments
Alright, so for a prologue that wasn't that bad however there are few things that kind of threw me off guard and made the piece a little jarring to read.

Mainly, your descriptions are a little flat, narrow and cliché. They need some expanding on, don't be afraid to show instead of tell. Add depth to the piece.


Other then that I don't know what else to comment on besides what's in the nitpicks. Good luck and continue writing.





The heavens laugh with you in your jubilee; my heart is at your festival.
— William Shakespeare