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Snake Bite

by GeneralSplarge


The Summer of 1915 was one that I will never forget. My mother and father got into a divorce after many arguments. To add to that my father fought so that he would not have any custody of me. I can still remember what the last thing he said to me was. “I always knew you would be a disappointment” My father always wanted me to be an athlete. I played sports but I was not the player he wanted me to be. He left after the court case and stole our money from the bank account and left. My mother was heartbroken and hated me because I was the reason the divorce happened. I think that is the reason she sent me to Hard Oak Summer Camp in the summer. She said she needed some alone time. I knew she wanted to get rid of me any way she could. I hoped on the bus and waved to my mom, but she did not wave back. That was only the beginning, however.

I took three hours for the bus to get there. I stayed in my dorm the entire daybecause I did not want to meet anyone. I stayed in the cabin most of days unless I needed food. The other campers ignored me and later even the counselors did to. One day they forced all the kids on a nature walk. I did not like it at first but after a while it was enjoyable. It was the first time I had smiled in the last month. I got so lost in nature that I lost the rest of the group. I found a lot of creatures and animals, but my favorite was snakes. I found my way back to camp, but I decided to go for walks every day.

After a few more days I started to look specifically for animals. Each day it got harder and harder to find the animals each day. My favorite animal to search for was snakes. They always seemed to be calm around me and so did I. I loved walking so much that it was the only thing I did in camp activities. One day I decided to walk by myself because it seemed that none of the others seemed to enjoy the nature like me. I trailed off and looked for some snakes. I found a new type of snake I had never seen before. It was bright redalmost blood likewith a pitch-black head and a black tail. I had no clue if itwerevenomous, but I could not help myself from holding the creature. The snake stayed calm while in my hands. I felt the scaley outsides of the snake while it slithered through my hands. I decided to take the snake back to my cabin.

I made a place for the snake to stay by using my bag and put the bag with the snake in the closet of our dorm which was rarely used. Every day after I found the snake, I had to find food for it to eat and I took it outside to walk every now and then. I had to search for small deceased animals in the forest to bring back to the snake to eat. After a while, the snake would refuse to eat anymore of the food. The snake even began to become a lot angrier than it was when I found. It stayed curled up all day in my bag. After a week I found out why the snake was acting that way.

It was the last week of the summer camp and I had to find a way to sneak the snake back home with me. I could not just leave the snake in my bag and keep him there all the drive back. Even once I got home my mother would surely not let me keep the snake. I could not leave it here at the camp because I would surely never see it again. As the ending day drew near, I had the produce ideas to bring the snake back. I thought until the last day on the camp. Every person said goodbyes, but I wanted to spend the last hours I could with the snake. I went back to the closet to find the snake was gone and had left 12 eggs. I started to panic until I heard a boy yell. I ran outside to see my snake decapitated next to a boy screaming for help. He was holding his leg close to his body. A few people came to see what was wrong with him. The boy was bit.

The counselors grabbed a book of wildlife in the area and found that the snake was venomous. Sincewe weretoo far away from a hospital, we had to take matters into our own hands. One counselor took off his belt and wrapped it above the snake bite. Another counselor went to grab the nurse. The nurse exclaimed that the boy would surely die in a few minutes. Just then another camper came out with amachete. He asked what would happen if we removed the leg. The nurse said his chances of survival would increase. They sat the boy down on a bench and handed the machete to the nurse. One counselor held the boy in place, and another held his arms. They ripped a piece from the boy's shirt and told the boy to bite down on it. The nurse lifted the machete up and swung down. The boy let out a muffled scream. One after the other the nurse chopped through the boys' leg. Blood began to spew out of the boys chopped leg. The nurse carried the boy to the office and left us alone. I looked at the snake with sadness, but it was already staring at me. Though its head was off it seemed alive. It gave off a smirk or smile. I didn’t love it anymore. I didn’t love anything. I only lovedloneliness.


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Fri Sep 25, 2020 7:42 pm
Rosewood wrote a review...



Okay... I'm finally here...

I agree with Elinor, the setting of 1915 feels somewhat wrong. I know you're considering changing it to be more modern, and I hope you choose to continue that path! Anywho, on to the finer details...

I hoped on the bus and waved to my mom, but she did not wave back.


This line was... a bit weird. Did you mean that the narrator hoped the mom would wave back? If so, that wasn't very clear. Or perhaps you meant the narrator 'hopped onto the bus', which makes more sense.

I did not like it at first but after a while it was enjoyable.


This sounded strange, might I suggest changing it to something like "I did not like it at first, but after a while, it became much more enjoyable."

My favorite animal to search for was snakes.


You mentioned earlier that the narrator loved snakes, so this isn't much of a surprise. I recommend eliminating the first use of the character's favorite animal in the paragraph beforehand. Here, let me quote it...

I found a lot of creatures and animals, but my favorite was snakes.


You see? If you went more into detail about getting lost because of the narrator's fascination with animals, then it would flow better into the next paragraph where he mentions he likes snake most. (Also... it would help satisfy Mrs. W's two FULL pages minimum requirement...)

It was bright redalmost blood likewith a pitch-black head and a black tail.


Assuming Office 365 was the reason there were so many missed spaces, I feel the main problem is the wording and lack of commas. Here's my suggestion as to how it could be written. "It was bright red, almost like blood, with a pitch-black head and tail."

Every day after I found the snake, I had to find food for it to eat and I took it outside to walk every now and then.


Uh... don't you mean 'move' instead of 'walk'?

After a week I found out why the snake was acting that way.


I think you need a comma after 'week'.

The boy was bit.


I think you meant 'bitten', but I'm not quite sure myself.

They ripped a piece from the boy's shirt and told the boy to bite down on it.


Usually cloth is used to tie up the wound, while a hard piece of wood, or a nearby stick in this case, is for the person to bit down on.

I've tried to transfer things from Office 365 to YWS, and it often results in missed spaces. It's not really a big deal, but I thought you should know.

Lastly, there was a redundancy in the use of 'I'. While I know this is a personal narrative, words under the umbrella of articles and conjunctions really help break it up a little.

You know how nit-picky I am, but I did my best to stay away from that here. As for the length of the review... sorry. The story was excellent, the plot was excellent, and I'm not going to be surprised if you get an A. As for the ending... so much better than the original! If you have any questions about my review, just text me.



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stop reviewing my work cause i dont care about ur opinion lelelelelelelellelelellellelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelelel



Rosewood says...


Your welcome C:



Rosewood says...


*You're



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Reviews: 1215

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Fri Sep 25, 2020 6:33 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi GeneralSplarge!

I wonder if you meant to set this in 1915. I think that going that route would be really interesting, because there's nothing that precludes this from being set in 1915. While I did have to look it up, summer camps for boys started in the 1870s. I love writing period pieces, and I love setting things that could be modern day but are still a fun opportunity to explore a different era. The only thing to consider as you go back and revise is that divorce would have been a huge social taboo at that time and the stigma would have affected the MC's life in a deeper way than it does even today. Also, it was generally understood that you'd stay in a marriage even it was toxic or the couple was having a hard time. Obviously, people did get divorced, but it was rare, so I would recommend researching this a bit more.

The story itself I enjoyed! I wanted to know a little bit more about the main character. Right now, he's the narrator, but we don't know anything about him as a person, how old he is, what his name is, how he responds to his parents' divorce and what he feels about being a part of the camp.

I'm not sure if you had a word limit with this, but if you did, maybe start at the camp and have the narrator allude to why he's there in dialogue. Not to write your story for you, but I'd also love to know a little bit more about the boy who the snake bites, and I can see you going back and forth between a friendship with the other boy and the snake.

This is a great start, but I want to know a little bit more about your characters so I can have an emotional stake in the story. Please let me know how I can help and I'm excited to see what you do with this!



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thank you



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45 Reviews


Points: 1018
Reviews: 45

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Fri Sep 25, 2020 6:11 pm
Rosewood says...



Hey Matthew, I'll be back to review this later... after school... you know the deal...




Rosewood says...


Okay... I'm finally here...

I agree with Elinor, the setting of 1915 feels somewhat wrong. I know you're considering changing it to be more modern, and I hope you choose to continue that path! Anywho, on to the finer details...

I hoped on the bus and waved to my mom, but she did not wave back.


This line was... a bit weird. Did you mean that the narrator hoped the mom would wave back? If so, that wasn't very clear. Or perhaps you meant the narrator 'hopped onto the bus', which makes more sense.

I did not like it at first but after a while it was enjoyable.


This sounded strange, might I suggest changing it to something like "I did not like it at first, but after a while, it became much more enjoyable."

My favorite animal to search for was snakes.


You mentioned earlier that the narrator loved snakes, so this isn't much of a surprise. I recommend eliminating the first use of the character's favorite animal in the paragraph beforehand. Here, let me quote it...

I found a lot of creatures and animals, but my favorite was snakes.


You see? If you went more into detail about getting lost because of the narrator's fascination with animals, then it would flow better into the next paragraph where he mentions he likes snake most. (Also... it would help satisfy Mrs. W's two FULL pages minimum requirement...)

It was bright redalmost blood likewith a pitch-black head and a black tail.


Assuming Office 365 was the reason there were so many missed spaces, I feel the main problem is the wording and lack of commas. Here's my suggestion as to how it could be written. "It was bright red, almost like blood, with a pitch-black head and tail."

Every day after I found the snake, I had to find food for it to eat and I took it outside to walk every now and then.


Uh... don't you mean 'move' instead of 'walk'?

After a week I found out why the snake was acting that way.


I think you need a comma after 'week'.

The boy was bit.


I think you meant 'bitten', but I'm not quite sure myself.

They ripped a piece from the boy's shirt and told the boy to bite down on it.


Usually cloth is used to tie up the wound, while a hard piece of wood is for the person to bit down on.

I've tried to transfer things from Office 365 to YWS, and it often results in missed spaces. It's not really a big deal, but I thought you should know.

Lastly, there was a redundancy in the use of 'I'. While I know this is a personal narrative, words under the umbrella of articles and conjunctions really help break it up a little.

You know how nit-picky I am, but I did my best to stay away from that here. As for the length of the review... sorry. The story was excellent, the plot was excellent, and I'm not going to be surprised if you get an A. As for the ending... so much better than the original! If you have any questions about my review, just text me.




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