You are a young lady, strolling around the prairie on a Sunday morning. There is no human being as far as you can see, so you figure you can sit under a tree by yourself to contemplate with closed eyes. Suddenly, you start noticing what your thoughts had blurred; somewhere near, there's a woodpecker creating a constant noise as his beak hits the bark, the breeze whispers near your ears, the itchy grass stabs your skin in a pleasant way, and the rays of the sun make their way through the branches, begging for some admiration, but you don't open your eyes anyway.
A strong smell of buttercups and lilacs fill your lungs, and you wonder where it comes from, but you still refuse to open your eyes and you cross your arms instead. Now you're smiling. And suddenly, you can't feel the refreshing breeze anymore. Actually, now you feel as if there was a fire approaching you... but the smell of flowers is still strong; it doesn't smell like smoke or ashes, so you stay there in your comforting position. Your eyes are closed, but right now all you can see is darkness, as if something were standing in front of you to block the sun. You automatically open your eyes as your heart skips two beats. But there is nothing there, and your shoulders relax, somewhat. The sun looks like it's gotten a bit lazy, and the heat and smell of flowers become even more intense.
You stand on your feet and start walking backwards until the back of your head feels the trunk of the tree behind you. Your eyes are wide opened and your fingers turn completely cold. There's a child crying desperately, and you start moving around urgently, too. When you look down the hill that leads to your house, you see there is a baby stroller descending, and that is certainly where the screams come from. There is no time to think. In fact, you cannot even think about thinking you should analyze what's wiser. Adrenaline takes over and it obligates you to run over to stop the stroller. You run as fast as you possibly can, and when you're close enough, you stop the stroll by holding its handle with your right hand. The act was so brusque and abrupt, the child has fallen to the floor and his face is aganst the ground. It stopped crying. And you start to shake desperately as your heart feels like it's being stabbed with a knife and it's now bleeding, while being drenched in alcohol.
You let the baby's stroller escape with the gravity, and then you bent your knees near the kid. Your trembling hands think about reaching out for the boy, but you hesitate to pick him up or turn him around for a moment. Now you can hear him breathe, heavily. All types of emotions hijack your system, and you can feel tears forming in your eyes as your heart throbs inside your ribcage energetically. You turn the kid to face him. But he has the face of a man and he teeth of a cat. The pleasant smell of flowers is gone, now it smells like rotten bodies. You begin to hear laughters; laughters that sound like a broken record, but they become louder and louder. You scream and try to escape. But you can't separate your hands from the child; you are chained to him. Now you feel a freezing breeze entering your body though your ears and nose. Your whole body starts to shake intensely, but only on the inside. You can hear your organs and it feels like everything is being boiled inside of you. The laugters are inside of you now. You cannot move, but tears fall down your eyes. And that is how you will stay... forever.
Hello! Cgirl here for a review!
First off this was definitely creepy! Especially the ending when the child has a man face and the teeth of a cat.
Second, I love how it's a narrative. Stories like those make the reader feel like they are actually in the story and is a character in there. They don't make the reader feel like they are just watching from above.
Third, you use great vocabulary to describe things. Vocabulary can draw the reader in and make things sound more interesting.
Everything was perfect and amazing! Great job!
=D Thank yooooou!
Ok..at first, I thought the you treatment with the narration of the story wasn't going to work, at least for me. But it turned out to be quite creepy, especially the ending. Of course, there were no proper paragraph breaks, but it worked cause it didn't seem long and so I read it. XD
But no, you have to give it proper paragraph breaks. Though, it would've been more creepy if you could have added some other element, maybe a little mist for effect or something like that or it's just me with some old cliched ideas..XD
Overall, it was good and I liked it..keep up the good work!
Each double line break (with a space between paragraphs) henceforth corresponds with a paragraph of yours. The last one will lead into a short overall impression, and I'll end with my kindest remarks and tell you what you did well.
Young lady, Sunday morning; so far, this is somewhat trite. You are blatant. Not to be unkind, of course, but each sentence here is brimming with opportunity for complexity and thrill!
"There is no human being as far as you can see,..."
Perhaps this could be streamlined - say "There is not another soul in sight," "So far as you can see, you find yourself alone," "Not another human being falls under your drooping gaze," et cetera. This opening is your only first impression, and it needs to lead strongly! I like the idea behind your leading paragraph, but try to differentiate your word choices and your structure. The mark of a good writer, in my own opinion, is the inherent beauty of his (or her) sentences. This is especially true in your opening.
"Somewhere near, there's a woodpecker creating a constant noise as his beak hits the bark" Make this active; for instance, "A woodpecker knocks in the distance, creating constant noises of beak against bark." And remove "there's," "that," "this," "the" whenever possible. The particle unneeded is a particle that needs deleted!
I like "begging for admiration." Good personification there.
Remove "still" in "you still refuse," and don't use the conjunction "and" there. "but you refuse to open your eyes. Crossing your arms, you smile, and suddenly..." So on. The little words that clutter sentences are the obstacles I think your writing struggles most against; so, if you see a word you can omit (especially a conjunction or an abstract word like "still," "although," "whereas," so forth) then omit it! Then you'll flow like a silky carriage down a hill of ice. So to speak.
The baby stroller lead is good; strong; maternal - perhaps, however, too maternal? But still, it works.
You don't need "behind you" when talking about the tree trunk. Walking backwards, it must be behind you - I think the reader can deduce that. Sometimes it is best to leave a few details to the reader; I personally find it more engaging that way.
"bleeding, while being drenched in alcohol" makes no sense to me. Alcohol stinks, but blood and alcohol don't seem as though they necessarily mix.
"laughters" must necessarily, definitely, incontrovertibly be changed to "laughter" - there are no "laughters." Also, grammar picking: "laugters" should be "laughter" and "he teeth of a cat" should be "the teeth of a cat." Grammar was strong until the conclusion. Keep strong!
"ribcage" is two words: "rib cage."
The transition between creepy baby breathing heavily and toxic mental breakdown is weak - suddenly, I (the reader) just am hijacked by emotion? Why? By what compulsion? Who or what is doing this to me? I haven't even seen freaky cat-tooth-man-face-baby yet, so is it anticipation? And why do I lose the stroller (or why, more importantly, is the baby upside down)? Creepy feelings? Be slightly more explicit here, maybe, to string the reader along.
"You scream and try to escape." Try to escape, but how? I think I want to see arms flailing or something here - give me an image to follow up the baby. Scary images deserve detailed reactions! "you are chained to him." Elaborate, or discuss this, or make it seem more metaphorical, if there are not meant to be real chains.
"And this is how you will stay... forever." Alright, this story was frightening. And it was good. But the conclusion? A little lackluster. It was platitude worthy. I think you can do better!
I may seem a little nit-picky, but I swear it's for the better. This was something I felt strongly enough to react to, so perhaps that's consolation for the nit-picking. Regardless, here is the final digest of suggestions:
*NO particles, conjunctions, abstractions except where they contribute to the work, the timing, or the flow
*Eliminate ambiguities that seem concrete but may not be - if it is a metaphor, you must either make it feel so real it must be interpretative, or false enough to be metaphorical. That doesn't make much sense, but such is the nature of metaphor.
*Get those boiling and freezing and spectacular sensations across! That means, if necessary, reorganizing the whole story so these things flow together. That's not very specific advice, but it's something I cannot even pretend to do for you. I just mean to say that, if you pull together those beautiful descriptors and experiences, they conglomerate and congeal and stick in the reader like plaque before a heart attack! AND THEN YOU CONCLUDE AND IT IS... well, amazing. So aim for plaque build-up! And don't tell your dentist or your cardiologist I said that!
~Skorlir
Loved the ending Solvy! =O Very creepy and freaky. Loved the ending! I can't believe you wrote this! But this was awesome! *high fives* My only suggestion would be to break it up into smaller paragraphs.
=D Okay! Thanks, Tay<3
creeeeeepy
Thank you. =D