Published April 5, 2013
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Really good poem! I like your style of writing, and you used wonderful figurative language and expressions.

Just a few things: ''Desqualify" isn't a word, it's "Disqualify".
Overall, the poem's really nice, except that if you made the last two lines rhyme too, it would be better. Just saying
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
*cracks fingers* Let's get to this.
Poetry is all about smooth, fluid movement to me (unless a poem is trying to convey a sense of brokenness or discontinuity) so any line that causes me to pause in the reading should be worked on. Imagine your poem as a bunch of pipes; this one is blocked up.
I thought at first that 'qualm' was an adjective to 'prowl', but after reading a few times I realized that it was a noun and that 'prowl' was the verb.
Long story short, I'm confused as to who is doing what in this sentence. I think removing the 'to' and 'prowl' would fix it: "Don't let a qualm whisper near your mind." But 'prowl' is a powerful word, giving a very distinct image. You might want to graft it in somehow.
I'm a bit of an old-fashioned person, so lines that aren't capitalized in a poem make me cringe a little. However, I have come to understand that this is a style and that my opinion on it rarely matters. It happens a bunch here, but I won't mentioned it again.
The real point on this line is that the 'its's' breaks the flow for me. Maybe if you changed it to: "Blocking your vision with its daunting lies."
Disqualify.
Colorful, I like that you're straying from the conventional 'taking your own life'.
I understand this Biblical reference, but if you want to delve deeply into it, it's not all about fear. The resounding theme of the story of Lot's wife is about not being able to let go of material possessions (I believe). Which, if you go deeper, is just another kind of fear, so whatever.
This line is gold. Only one change is all I see fit: "Make your eyes become vigilant knights,". I know it's not the same, but 'your' just feels redundant in that line. Maybe you should read both lines aloud for a while to decide. I'm not even decided on that.
Hmm, the word 'but' implies negating the previous idea, which this line is not doing. Either remove 'but' or replace it with another, more suitable conjunction.
Love this line, keep doing it!
I'm not sure what this line means. I feel like you chose the word 'truant' for its own merit, rather than for how it fit the other words.
This line caught me off guard in a nice way. I'd forgotten the quotation mark at the beginning.
I don't know how you feel about it, but what if you switch these two lines around?
I think it gives it a little more finality.
Overall, the poem was great, but I still didn't understand that. Personally, I believe a perfect poem is one the reader immediately comes away with an idea, or is at least thinking hard. Of course, I couldn't write a half-good poem to save a hamster, so I'm nowhere near criticizing you of not having a perfect poem.
8/10: Would read again.
Jenth
Thanks, Jen!<3 =D
I really liked this, the last part was very touching. Your message was strong. There really isn't anything else to say besides this was amazing. The sayings were also nice, really got the point across with the perfect touch of being figurative. I hope to see more from you!
Wow!
I love this poem, it is sweet and inspiring and sad all at the same time.
It has some great imagery and description and flows beautifully.
'Don't fall asleep on flummoxing paths,
it might rain on the hill as you climb for your chance.
Make your eyes become your vigilant knights,
but don't let uncertainty pluck out your spine.'
This is by far my favourite stanza.
I don't really have anything to critique as you did a great job.
Keep writing.
Nargles xxx
Aww. Thanks! %u2665