Published August 18, 2008
Hi this is my first attempt at writing a book ever, so comments and advice would be great because I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing!
...
I sat myself down into my plane seat with a pleased sigh. Finally, I would be going home. Two weeks with my Aunt and Uncle didn't sound like much, but if you'd met them, you would have been driven crazy after the first weekend. Somehow, I stuck it out. The plane flight from the Caribbean back to the UK would take 36 hours. I was in for a long trip. I wasn't that comfortable with flying- a plane seemed too big and heavy to rise up and carry people into the air. However, I'd been on a plane before, and that was with my parents. Sure, I was on my own this time, but how hard could it be? Look out, England- Georgina Buckley is coming back!
A sudden jolt woke me up. I'd been napping, and now we were high in the sky above the clouds. The plane lurched again. I gripped hold of my seat firmly, as if holding onto it hard enough would steady the plane. A low murmur was spreading through the cabin; whispers of worry from those who were afraid of heights. An air-hostess entered the cabin, smiled and announced that we were experiencing some turbulence. She assured us not to worry and that it would be over within a few minutes, but asked us to please strap ourselves in for safety measures. I pulled the belt across me and snapped it into place, keeping hold of my seat. I tried not to pay attention to the thought that if we were safe, then why were we strapping ourselves in? The plane jolted again, more violently than before. Someone cried out. A look of anxiety fleetingly crossed the air-hostess's face as she, too, strapped herself into a seat. Whenever a member of staff does that, you know something is wrong.
Suddenly, the plane started to jolt and shake. Drinks spilt, hand luggage fell down and emptied onto the floor, and panicked cries filled the cabin. My head snapped back as my body fell forward, stopped by the safety belt. I didn't scream. I had a feeling things were about to get worse. I looked out of my window and saw flames. My breath caught in my throat as I realised that one of the engines had caught fire. I started to panic. Then I screamed. I screamed as the plane plummeted out of the sky. I screamed as the deep, dark blue ocean rushed up to greet us. I screamed as the plane hit the water and sank beneath the waves.
Silence.
Then water started to trickle in through the windows, the view outside a cold, unwelcoming sight. Then someone screamed. People started shouting again, tugging at their safety belts. The water was up to my ankles, and rising, swiftly. It didn't even occur to me to try and get out of my seat, even though the belt was cutting sharply into my stomach. I felt sick, my stomach churning uncomfortably. I glance round. I felt like I was in a trance. Everything seemed distant, unimportant somehow. A baby was crying, its mother yelling for someone to help her and her child. Everyone ignored her, only thinking for themselves. The water was up to my knees now.
I thought about phoning for help. Yes. A good idea, phone for help, do it now! I pulled out my phone, and stabbed at the keypad. My senses seemed slower. I struggled to dial. Three numbers, and I couldn't even type them in.
Then the man on my left decided he didn't want to sit there like a waiting target. He got up, and struggled to get past me. I pulled my legs up onto my seat to let him through, the water rising to my waist.
The man was panicking, and shoved past. His flailing hands knocked the phone out of my grip and into the water. I reached down for it, my arm sliding into the water, up to my chest now. I couldn't feel the phone.
Then the water reached up and over my head. I had time to take a deep breath, and then the cabin was filled with water.
It was strange sensation. Every sound was muffled as the water filled my ears, and my eyes stung with saltwater. The plane sank. I saw people trying to swim to one of the doors, to get out of the plane. Luggage was floating in the water. A white shirt was bobbing near me, the sleeves stretched out like a white ghost reaching out to claim victims. I knew that now was the time to get out of my seat, but couldn't. I glanced down at my seat belt, keeping me trapped. A prisoner in this watery jail. I tugged at it, trying to pull free, so I could swim, swim for safety, swim for air. It stayed put. My hand found the release button, and I pressed it. The belt came unattached. I pushed myself out of my seat. My body felt as heavy as lead. Other passengers were swimming to the door and trying to force it open. I looked around and felt a chill as I saw people sitting in their seats, trapped by their 'safety' belts. Not moving. I started panicking, and large bubbles of air streamed out of my mouth. I clamped it shut, just as the plane's door was forced open. The cabin quickly emptied as survivors swam to the surface. I forced myself to swim, up and out of the plane, towards the sun. It was there, above the water, along with sweet, sweet oxygen. But then, stupidly, I coughed. The last few bubbles of air, the thing that was keeping me alive, escaped my mouth. I choked as the water rushed in, filling my lungs. I slowly sank, the sunlight fading fast. I was going to die.
As I sank, deeper into the darkness, deeper into the depths of despair, I felt a sudden calmness wash over me. I let the water enter my lungs. I stopped thrashing about, stopped writhing and flailing. I just sank, silently, swiftly, smoothly. Maybe it was better this way. A pleasant way to die. I closed my eyes.
'But why?' A small voice in the back of my brain whispered. 'Why die now? Here? Rather silly, really. This is stupid and pointless. So swim. Now.' My legs kicked of their own accord, my arms reached for the sunlight.
My head broke the surface, and I gasped a delicious breath of air. I was alive!
I looked around, gasping, the water slopping into my eyes, mouth and up my nose. I coughed and spluttered, treading water. I glimpsed others doing the same thing, some screaming, some crying.
'Don't think about them,' the voice screamed. 'Think about you!'. It was right. I twisted my head around, looking for something to grab hold of. I wasn't an especially strong swimmer. I spotted an empty suitcase, bobbing on the waves, and splashed over to it, grabbing hold and clinging on tight. My hands were shaking and my body was covered in goosebumps. I was freezing. Blinking water out of my eyes, I saw other survivors fighting over bits of wreckage. There were only forty or so, plus me. The plane had held at least three hundred. Tears welled up and spilled down my cheeks. What were we going to do? I couldn't see any boats nearby. There was a small stretch of land in the distance, but I might have been imagining it.
What were we going to do?
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Welcome! This is really good. I love the story line. I think that you could probably have put a bit more suspense in it. The part where the plane crashes is a little to fast compared to other parts where it sometimes tends to go too slowly. I think it needs more feelings as well
Overall, I think this is a really good story. It just needs more descriptions and suspense.
Good job! Keep writing!
Agreeing with repeatedly-repeated comments on pace, I nevertheless liked it a lot. In certain parts of the story the suspense could be improved, but the overall image left me wanting to read more.
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To slow down the scene in which the plane is flying, you could perhaps create a scene, perhaps involving the man sitting next to Georgina, to establish him as selfish, so as to provide motivation for him pushing past her. Or maybe that's just impatient human nature, so whatever
Hey G,
I don't have time to critique this whole thing right now, but I'll give you some pointers. First, you definitely have some potential for writing. This piece was very good, especially for a first time. Like the others said, you did rush it just a little, but you did a great job detailing, and you had a strong opening. I noticed some errors in tense, but keep writing, and I'm sure people will keep reading.
V4L
I agree with everyone else! You should add more suspense to when the plane crashes. Other than that, it has the potential to be an excellent novel.
Wow, this is really good for a beginner. I started writing a few years ago, and i was in the exact same spot as you are. The only thing I though you could have done a little better was more suspense. I agree with the others. When someone writes on a subject like this, it can be tricky. Put more about wha's happening around her, and what other people are doing, seeing, sensing. Also I myself like to end a chapter with one mystifying sentence. One that makes you HAVE to turn the page and keep on reading. You can try something like that too. =D But overall really good for your first try. Keep going and you can get far with this.
Are you sure this is your first attempt writing a story? My first attempt was two sentences per chapter. Very nice! I've seen people who've written for most of their life and aren't as good as you. You've got writing in your blood!
First off: Welcome! Second: Congrats! That was a very good piece of work, very nicely done. I have just one problem, but I don't think it'll be that hard to fix. See, you need to describe more, especially after the first paragraph. It just went too fast from that first thing to your character napping and then waking up. Maybe add a little bit about them taking off and your character's thoughts when that happens. Just a suggestion. Anyhow, kudos to you for having done such an excellent job-I can't wait to see what happens next!
Happy writing!
By the way, does your character have a name? Just something else I happened to catch. To me when I read, I like to know who the character is before anything major happens. I just realized that as I was about to post this so I figured I should tell you. Well, keep at it!
A very good story, and all I think you need to do is slow it down a little, describe more of the emotions and what's happening around the character. And add a little suspense. you don't want readers to lose interest in the middle of your story.
Other than that, good job and keep on writing.
This was a really great story!
I loved the imagination you brought into it. I think the beginning could have more information. Why was the character travelling alone? Who is the character? Things like that. I also think that you could describe things more so that I can picture it. I suppose you're going to continue it and I think you should! I loved the first and I hope I'll love the rest.
Wonderful! It was a very good piece of work, especially for someone who is new to YWS. Now... the other reviewers above me said most everything that needed to be picked at. You had some rough sections with timing and you repeat little words like then or I. Mix it up and get the blood flowing in the story.
Your suspense is what keeps a reader glued to the story, but you should highlight some other parts as well. When the narator saw the still people stuck in their seats or the fire on the plane, be more discriptive.
In reality you would not feel only suspense if you were in that position. You would feel horror, anxiety, regret... etc. Try and jumble more feelings into the narator.
Anyway, it was a very good story and I cannot wait to read more of your work. Good job.
Jaden G.
Brilliant. Just brilliant I love it. Very descriptive and adventuresome I could actually see what was happening as I read it and that doesn't happen often! I like how you out the word silence in it's own line to really make it stand out and tie the two parts of the story together! Definitely keep up the writing.
I really liked that. Some parts where unrealistic, to be fair. If a plane hits water at speed its going to disintergrate, But other than that I thought the first person view aspect made it that bit more intense. Take your time, theres no rush
Most people write for fun, so have fun 
I can't say its perfect because there are some parts which need brushing up on, but other than that, for your first EVER(?) attempt im extremely impressed. You improve parts of your weaknesses in writing and reinforce your strengths then I see a good writer coming
At least I didnt get bored
Well done, especially for a first time! You seemed to have edited it well too. A few minor things--
Too many 'thens.' Try to mix it up a little, and don't start two sentences in a row with then.
The sentence 'I glance around' does not fit with the rest of your story because it's in present tense. 'I glanced around' would work better, as the verb felt is past. Also, you use felt twice very close together. It's not a big deal, but maybe you could use another word.
But overall you wrote it well, and I hope that there's more to come.
Very exciting start, again, there isn't much there to analyse yet so keep writing and posting.
I think the part from "I didn't scream ... deep dark blue ocean reached up to greet us" is good. From a third-person narration, this would sound a bit weird, but as it is first-person it gives the narrating character a defined voice.
I don't think the plane would fall extremely fast - as everyone else has said, the scene is quite quick. I've heard a plane can glide for up to thirty minutes even if all the engines cut out, just because they are designed to fly. However, half an hour is too long for an action scene like this so don't suggest they were gliding around for ages because that's not all that suspenseful.
This is getting into technicalities, but also, to stay together on landing, a plane has got to land in a pretty normal way, like on a runway except on water, so it probably wouldn't flood with water immediately. More realistic (and suspenseful) to have the water rising slowly through a small gap while everyone mills about panicking and trying to open the doors because the flight attendant's been knocked out or something.
I think it would sound better as, "As she, too, strapped herself into a seat."
To create suspense, you need to imply that something exciting is coming, but stretch out having it actually occur. If you don't imply that something exciting is going to happen, nobody will read it, and if you just imply it then have the exciting part immediately, there's no suspense so the reader doesn't have time to get excited/nervous about the impending event. Another way is to have the event occur bit by bit, such as with the water rising - the suspense is that the reader knows the water is eventually going to go above head height, and wants to find out if, and how, the character will avert this disaster.
Again, very good. I like the plot and the way that the action starts immediately with only one paragraph introduction.
This is actually one of the better stories I've read on YWS in a while! *stars*
Plus! You wrote an interesting story on a very real conflict. Too often, I see stories about souls getting torn or whatever, so it's nice to read these sorts of stuff. 
What's really interesting is sometimes you went fast and other times you went slow. I find it amusing, not because I hate you or anything (no, really, I don't) but just because I find these sorts of things amusing. Observe:
Post the next part soon!
Anyway, you have lovely grammar and a good sense of direction, which is wonderful and with these sorts of talents, you're well on your way to becoming a flippin' amazing writer.
Now, for the nit picks!
One of the things you're really going to need to work on is timing. Too fast and you lost the reader and made the drama get all weird and confusing. Too slow and you lost and bored the reader.
This seems too fast:
My head snapped back as my body fell forward, stopped by the safety belt. I didn't scream. I had a feeling things were about to get worse. I looked out of my window and saw flames. My breath caught in my throat as I realised that one of the engines had caught fire. I started to panic. Then I screamed.
This seems too slow:
I screamed as the plane plummeted out of the sky. I screamed as the deep, dark blue ocean rushed up to greet us. I screamed as the plane hit the water and sank beneath the waves. And then I couldn't scream anymore, as the water rushed into the cabin and my mouth filled with brine.
The too fast section seems to be characterized with quick images. Quick images is good for visual mediums, but bad for writing. The too slow section seems to be characterized with longer sentences and repetition. The sections aren't individually bad, mind you, but they seem jarring when they're put together like that. So one thing you can consider doing is sticking in an observation about the people in between those sections. That might help your transitions better.
Now, for your introductions, consider not being as flippant or easy in the introduction, where we first meet the narrator. Make her nervous and not as ready to relax in the beginning, which will give us conflict in the very beginning and help with foreshadowing.
So, that's it, so far.
This has the potential to be a really great piece of work and you're a long way towards that. All I have to say for you to improve is to add more suspense into the bit where the plane crashes. It just seems to be over too fast and doesn't really flow with the pace you've set for the rest. Good luck!
-Cobra
Welcome to YWS.
Good story, great in fact. Well done.
But as BBB says it needs suspense. A plane falling out of the sky into the ocean isn't something that happens in day-to-day life.
Put the emotions, feelings and senses.
I'll give you an example,
Well, I gave you an entire story, didn't I?
Make the story like that it will be great. I can't wait till you continue this.
Good luck.
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
I have to say that I really liked this. I really do. It's a fantastic concept that can be suspenseful, thrilling and great, if you write it the right way.
First off, this is really short. I would suggest posting longer sections. ^_^
Second of all, what this needs most is suspense.
Suspense is what keeps our eyes glued to the screen. We want to know what happens. Life threatening situations call for suspense. A plane falling out of the sky is suspenseful. But what you've written isn't. At all.
There are a few different ways to build suspense.
- Describe your emotions. A lot. Seriously. "Panic flooded throughout my body, as my eyes stared out the window to see flames creeping up the wing."
- Describe a lot of stuff. Don't rush it. The middle paragraph shouldn't be that long. Don't rush things. Take time to describe what's going on. We can't feel the suspense unless we know all the facts.
- Have fun and use your imagination. Your imagination is what we are going to read.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. This was really good. I want to read more!
-Jared