lol, it is a bit mish-mash but I wrote it in like, 10 minutes.
Hunter, the troll is a metaphor- lol, I actually thought people might think that, being Fatasy an all. Thanks for stuff so far.
z
Clutching lifeless solider in bloody hands, the shadow silently crept along the dungeon passage.
The shiny scarlet cape that swung wildly around her shoulders reflected blotches of red on the glass ceiling above.
The soldier in her ashen arms groaned and drooled like a defenseless child, a world away from the drunken troll who had brandished his cutlass mercilessly only minutes earlier .
"Sorry,Aroma" She mumbled as his bloated corpse was thrown to the floor. She felt the sickening crack of his skull on the cold rock turned away in disgust.
As she raided his body for anything useful, she felt that twinge.
Guilt.
Normally pushed down, guilt was buried deep in her mind, forced it aside. But it was pricking at her, ringing in her body, it was too late,
Sighing, she rose gracefully into the air and once again become in-twined with the shadows.
It was almost as if they were knitted together- become one.
There was no girl now.
Just an empty passage, a bloody corpse and a crumpled note reading "Scarlett Fever has struck."
When his body was found several hours later, by a certain Lady Scarlett Moore, she was devastated. One of the castle's most treasured guards, dead-his blood like a river along the cobbles of the dungeon. She was immediately ushered to the comfort of her room, where the red decor only brought back the memories of her early morning discoveries.
Promptly moved again, the young Lady continued to moan and weep, quivering like a delicate flower in a harsh wind, , but desperately preventing a grin appearing on her angst ridden face.
What do you think? This is complete first draft, and I know it's not much to go on but I just want to see if people just like the idea. It also doesn't look like fantasy either so far- but it is...
lol, it is a bit mish-mash but I wrote it in like, 10 minutes.
Hunter, the troll is a metaphor- lol, I actually thought people might think that, being Fatasy an all. Thanks for stuff so far.
I think it's worth going on, definately. The description in this is excelent, but you have to make it a little clearer as to what is exactly happening. It's something I always struggle with, the reader doesn't know everything you know so you have to try and insert a few more hints. For example, how come she's trying not to smile? Was it her who killed him? At first you made her sound innocent, until she smiled. Maybe you could use another character, like a maid or someone, from the maids point of view she could look devastated... But then you tell the reader than inside she was suppressing a grin. Just a suggestion, good work. Keep going.
To be honest, I'm very confused. You say the soldier's body is lifeless, yet he groans?
Also, this whole business with the troll...is that a metaphor or was he actually attacked by a troll with a cutlass...
[quote[Clutching lifeless solider in bloody hands, the shadow silently crept along the dungeon passage[/quote]
You need a "the" in there. It should read; "Clutching THE lifeless solider in bloody hands, the shadow silently crept along the dungeon passage."
It could definitely use some polish, but if you did that you'd be fine. Continue on.
Points: 890
Reviews: 49
Donate