THE CRUSHED PINK PAPER

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is an interesting little piece here. I wonder if there's a bit more to this or if its a total standalone because we do have ourselves a pretty powerful little cliffhanger there that seems to hint that maybe there's a little more to this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Jack opened the wide windows and looked out. The sky looked like it was about to cry. The weather had a combination of warmth and coldness. The plants and trees were waiting eagerly for the first rainfall after many days. The sooting wind hit his face, which made him smile involuntary. It lifted his mood and made him feel so pleasant about everything around him. As he was enjoying the weather, there was a knock at the door. He turned his head, his hair dancing in the wind, a cold shiver ran through his spine as he thought who might it be at this hour. Gathering all his courage, he went near the brown door, his blue eyes starring at the knob. With his veiny hands, he opened the door. There was a little boy with a blue hat and a white oversized raincoat. He struck his hands in his coat pockets and took out a pink paper. He lifted his tiny head and looked at Jack. With a little smile on his face, he gave that paper to Jack and ran away. Jack stretched out his hands and took that paper, smiling back at the little boy. He looked at that mysterious paper as lots of questions run inside his head. Out of curiosity, he opened the pink paper and saw that something was written on it. It said,

“Beware of the rain, as it might give you pain”

Well that definitely does make two of us there Jack. Quite the start here I have to say. Having a bit of a relaxed gentle description right at the very start of the scene to set a pretty comfortable mood and then just tossing a line like that at us definitely makes you immediately take notice and start trying to guess what could possibly be happening here.

Jack was very confused as he couldn’t possibly guess what was happening. He didn’t know who that boy was and why he gave this paper. He then closed his eyes and took a deep breath and said to himself “It is okay Jack, don’t overthinking. This may be some kind of prank that Rob always does.”. He crushed the pink paper and threw it in the dustbin. He then went to his reading desk and started reading for the biology test tomorrow. After an hour of serious revision, he hit the sack.

Hmm I have to say that is a pretty smart decision right there. I didn't expect him to go for the its potentially prank option and honestly even I forgot it but given the magnitude of what's said there, that really does seem like the most sensible thought to have.

The rays of the sun hit the golden walls of his bedroom. He opened his eyes slowly, still dreaming, looked the clock. It was 7:30 am and the college starts by 8:30. Instinctively, he jumped out of his bed, took a quick shower, wore his red and black pants and rushed to open the door. When he opened the door, he saw a pink paper on the floor mat. He didn’t have time to think about it, as he took the paper, closed the door and ran to catch the bus. Fortunately, the bus was waiting for him and he got into the bus. He then took an empty seat by the window and took his notes for revision. He reached college by 8:10, had a quick breakfast in the canteen and went to his class. He met all his friends except Rob. He asked around for Rob, but none knew about his whereabouts. At 9:00am , the bell rang echoing the corridor. The exam began. Jack found most of the questions were from the textbook and he completed the exam in a an hour. After the exam was over, he went to the canteen to have lunch with his friends. They had pizza and sandwiches. They were chatting and teasing each other. Jack suddenly remembered about the pink paper, he got his bag and took that paper and showed to his friends. His glaze fixed on the piece of paper, he said“This is a note given to me by a little boy yesterday.” Alice, a bookworm interrupted and said “Wait, what note. There is nothing in your hand.” Jack lifted his head with a surprise, he looked back at the paper again. He then asked “Can’t you see the paper I am holding? None of you can see it?”. All his friends nodded synchronously. Alex, a close friend of Jack kept his hand on top of Jack and said “Jack is everything alright?”. Jack looked at the paper, unfolded it and it had a different message which said “Tell Alex to take off his hands.” Jack got frightened and threw the paper outside the window. He started to breadth heavily, his checks turned pink and he started to sweat. When he turned his head to look at Alex, there was no one there. He leaned back to his chair, keeping his hands covering his mouth, his blue eyes filled with tears, his mind trying to figure out what was going on. A little hand touched his shoulder……

Hmmmm well the plot certainly did a bit of thickening there. I wasn't expecting things to go quite that way but I think its nicely, it certainly makes for a good bit of excitement there in the grand scheme of thing and I think it turns out pretty good. The only issue I have with this ending is the fact that we have so much of this just bunched up into the one paragraph. Its a little tough to read as it is and I think this could very much be better served by being split into two or maybe even three paragraphs. It would enhance the way that last section flows quite a bit and make that situation just that much more interesting as a result I think.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty interesting little tale this one. The biggest issue there is that little paragraph situation. Otherwise I think its pretty neatly done. In the little we see the characters are pretty intriguing and that ending certainly makes you just want more there.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Introduction:

SWOOSH! Greetings, lovely hearts! Cupid here, armed with my bow, arrow, and a sprinkle of stardust for an enchanting adventure. Today, I'm diving into the captivating world of reviews with my very own Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlight. It's like the incredible YWS S'more Method, but with a dash of cupid's magic! Let's get flying, shall we?

Fluttering Wings - Initial Impressions:

Oh, the atmosphere! It's like stepping into a dreamy painting, where every brushstroke whispers secrets of longing and anticipation. I can just feel the warmth of the wind and the soft patter of raindrops on the window? It's as if nature itself is inviting us to dance in its embrace! You really know how to draw your readers, not only into your writings, but into the story itself!

Arrow Adjustments - Love Crafting Suggestions:

Now, let's embark on a journey of refinement and growth, for even the most enchanting tales can benefit from a sprinkle of fairy dust and a touch of guidance!

Firstly, while the atmosphere is undeniably captivating, you might want to consider delving deeper into Jack's inner world. I really want to peer through the windows of his soul, exploring his fears, hopes, and dreams with vivid clarity. Are there moments where his emotions could be further amplified, or subtle nuances of his character that yearn to be unveiled? By immersing your readers in Jack's rich inner landscape, we can forge a deeper connection and elevate the storytelling experience! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

Furthermore, as Jack encounters the mysterious boy and receives the enigmatic pink paper, consider adding layers of intrigue to heighten the sense of anticipation. Are there subtle hints of foreshadowing that could be woven throughout the narrative, leaving breadcrumbs for readers to follow and mysteries to unravel? Perhaps a whispered rumor, a cryptic symbol, or a fleeting glimpse of a figure in the shadows. By sowing seeds of curiosity early on, we can cultivate a sense of suspense that keeps readers eagerly turning the page.

Now, remember, embrace the beauty of imperfection! It's through trial and error that we writers refine our craft and uncover hidden gems within our storytelling. Don't shy away from experimenting with different narrative techniques, exploring new avenues of expression! Remember, dear friend, that every mistake is a stepping stone on the path to mastery, guiding us ever closer to the heart of our creative vision. <33

Golden Harp Strumming - Heavenly Highlights:

Ah, let me take a minute to bask in the glow of those shimmering moments that stole my hearts away! From the tender exchange between Jack and the mysterious boy to the gently unfurling of the pink paper, each detail sparkles like a star in the night sky. ✨💖

I can just imagine Jack's hair dancing in the wind as he gazes out of the wide windows, his heart stirred by the beauty of the world outside. And then, the arrival of the little boy with his blue hat and oversized raincoat, a tiny messenger bearing secrets untold. The scene unfolds like a scene from a fairytale, and it’s truly captivating, with its charm and mystery. 🌟

But it's not just the events themselves that captivated me—it's the emotions they evoke. The sense of wonder as Jack gazes at the pink paper, his mind swirling with questions and possibilities. It's a moment suspended in time, where reality and fantasy blur together in a symphony of enchantment. And as Jack's story unfolds, I found myself swept up in its magic, and eager more than ever to uncover the mysteries that lie within!!

Cherished Verses - Cupid's Favorite Lines:

"Jack opened the wide windows and looked out. The sky looked like it was about to cry. The weather had a combination of warmth and coldness. The plants and trees were waiting eagerly for the first rainfall after many days."

Oh, wow! The vivid imagery of the sky on the verge of tears, the anticipation in the air as nature waits for the first drops of rain. It's as if the world itself is alive with anticipation, and Jack is right there in the midst of it all, his heart open to the beauty that surrounds him! ❤️❤️

"As he was enjoying the weather, there was a knock at the door. He turned his head, his hair dancing in the wind, a cold shiver ran through his spine as he thought who might it be at this hour. Gathering all his courage, he went near the brown door, his blue eyes starring at the knob. With his veiny hands, he opened the door."

Ah, the tension! With each word, the anticipation builds like a crescendo, drawing us deeper into Jack's world of mystery and intrigue. The imagery of his hair dancing in the wind, the chill that runs down his spine at the sound of the knock - it's like I'm right there beside him, heart pounding in anticipation of what lies beyond that brown door.

Final Whispers - Closing Thoughts:

As I wrap up my journey through Jack's world of mystery and magic, I'll be carrying the warmth of your story in my heart like a cozy hug on a rainy day. Remember, dear friend, that the greatest adventures often begin with a single step into the unknown. So here's to new beginnings, magical journeys, and the timeless power of storytelling!

Sending you all my love and heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! 💘

Aloha! I'm Rose, and I'm here with a review for this interesting story :]



I. First Things First
From the very first sentence to the last, you had me hooked. The descriptions of your piece carried the whole story, as well as the mysterious atmosphere that you created. You seem to have an incredible concept in mind with twists and turns that I'm eager to uncover.

II. Tips and Tweaks
The first paragraph of your story has a descriptions which paint a lively and vivid picture of the setting and the main character Jack. It truly is a beautiful way of writing, however I miss that in the last paragraph. It seems more compact, which keeps the transition from being smooth.
I understand that it should be a quick recap of what happened that day, but it feels like interrupting the suspenseful layer of the story.

Additionally, there are large chunks of paragraphs in your piece. To avoid this coming over as a tedious read, you could divide the big chunks into smaller paragraphs for an easy read.

For instance, here's a before:

There was a little boy with a blue hat and a white oversized raincoat. He struck his hands in his coat pockets and took out a pink paper. He lifted his tiny head and looked at Jack. With a little smile on his face, he gave that paper to Jack and ran away. Jack stretched out his hands and took that paper, smiling back at the little boy. He looked at that mysterious paper as lots of questions run inside his head. Out of curiosity, he opened the pink paper and saw that something was written on it. It said,

“Beware of the rain, as it might give you pain”

And here's an after (how you could style it):

There was a little boy with a blue hat and a white oversized raincoat. He struck his hands in his coat pockets and took out a pink paper. He lifted his tiny head and looked at Jack. With a little smile on his face, he gave that paper to Jack and ran away.

Jack stretched out his hands and took that paper, smiling back at the little boy. He looked at that mysterious paper as lots of questions run inside his head. Out of curiosity, he opened the pink paper and saw that something was written on it.

It said, “Beware of the rain, as it might give you pain.”

Furthermore, you ended this piece with a cliffhanger. It seems that the pink paper isn't exactly real and Alex isn't either. WHoa, what a plot twist! And I love plot twists, if I also get to see the mystery behind them. I noticed you listed the piece as a short story, you could change it to novel if you plan on writing a sequel, which i would definitely like to read.
Also, instead of all capitals, perhaps you'd like to adjust the title of this story and make it:

The Crushed Pink Paper

But of course, do keep in mind; these are merely suggestions and considering them is entirely up to you

III. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, you've started an intriguing story which has a lot of potential. And with just a few improvements you could boost the impact of it. Good luck with your future writing projects and I hope to read more form you

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With writer’s love,
Rose