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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Godtrust ~ Chp.2

by Gardevite


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The world was hazy. Upon walking, All Alice could see was blended images dancing together in plain sight. A little blue here, a little green there, it was endless.

She was still at the secret beach. Everything looked like someone had painted the area with grey while she was sleeping. That- and the tide licking at her feet- let her know that she had been sleeping for some time. All she could hear was lapping of the waves, and her own sporadic breathing. She tried taking a deep breath to calm it, but the air was too musty and the smell made her cough. There was no breeze anymore- the world was stagnant. And quiet. So quiet.

She began thinking back over her day, but couldn't remember anything that happened after they made their wish in the godtrust. How did we get back here? she thought to herself. We. Us. Others. She threw the words around in her head until she remembered. Yes. Three others. she said silently to herself. Poppy, Cian and Hannah.

"Hello?" she croaked out. "Anybody here? Poppy?" she began to wonder if they'd left her behind. If they'd let her fall asleep- or knocked her out- so they wouldn't have to drag her around with him. Stupid Grandad. she thought You don't order people to be friends with someone. It's all his stupid fault. If he'd bothered to let me try make my own friends in the first place, they probably wouldn't have thought of me as dead weight. she kicked the sand with her heels. Stupid Granddad.

She sat up and took a look around. The sky was overcast, and looked like a slap of stone. The fast-approaching water looked like dish-water. The tide had reached her knees, and it took tremendous strength and determination to back away from it. There was a tingling in the back of her neck. Further investigation revealed that a lump, no bigger than a pea, was situated just below the hairline.. She knew she should be alarmed, but she was too exhausted to care. "Hello?" her voice was louder this time, stronger. "Hello?"

A faint rustling was coming from behind her. She willed her arms to move, her legs to push. She turned slowly, not because she was in pain, but because her body was groggy and refused to understand her urgency. She managed to turn her body around after what felt like an eternity. She could clearly see, and remember now, that there were no bushes by the entrance to the Secret Beach. Only trees that looked like giant's legs.

*****

Cian heard a scream down the other end of the road. He'd recently regained his footing, and could stand on two legs with ease. He was trying to work himself up to walking slowly, but the scream set him in motion. With the grace of a frightened duck, her charged down the road. Down to the Secret Beach.

He had woken up beside the pile of rocks, well the hill of dirt, from his side. He couldn't remember anything- how he got there, where his friends were- anything. All he could remember was standing out in the lake at the godtrust, and wishing for a great summer.

He reached the Secret Beach minutes later. His legs had unstiffened as he ran. His body had come back to him gradually, but almost completely.

Facing him he saw a girl he recognised sitting on the ground Her eyes looked like they had been glazed over with metal. She was staring at the trees. What's her name? he thought to himself. Do I know her?

A black shape emerged from the corner of his eye, with the rustling of branches and leaves performing accompaniment. He turned to get a better look, expecting one of his other friends. My friends. he said to himself. He had been too caught up worrying about himself to even think about the others.

It was a beast in truth, a Demon from hell. The shape which he could now clearly define was standing on an outstretched branch from one of the smaller trees. It stood on three slender legs, like a tripod. Each leg had a knee that bent outward in it's desired direction. It's body was strangely built. It a thick oval shell on top, but no protection for the dark area from where it's legs came from. The creature looked like an over glorified wood louse that had been dipped in dark purple paint. It was standing still, it''s only movements were the rhythmic straightening and bending of it's legs, like it was dancing.

"Cian?" Alice had turned her head to look at him. The creature moved, spurred on by the sound. It bent two of it's legs. It was ready to pounce. Alice closed her eyes and sobbed quietly to herself. "Cian?" the creature lunged. It went straight for Alice. She raised her arms up in defense, but now that the creature was closer, Cian could see that her arms wouldn't be enough to protect her. Then it stopped. Mid-jump. Branches had come from the tree, like snakes, and impaled the beast to the ground. It’s legs twitched as it slid down the branches.

Alice was on her knees, hunched and facing the ground . She was sobbing, and whispering "Stop, stop, stop, stop.." under her breath.

Cian tried to step forward, but found he couldn't. He looked down at his feet, and found that grass was climbing up his legs like. "Stop, stop, stop, stop" the words were quiet, but buzzed like a bee in his ears. The grass had reached his knees. "stop, stop, stop" it was at his waist "stop, stop,"

"Alice. What's going on?" his voice cracked. She looked at him. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth was twisted into an ugly frown. But then her features relaxed with nostalgia, the shot up in horror.

"Cian?" he was torn apart a moment later, and the pieces fell like rain.

* * *

“Don’t be scared now, Poppy, don’t be scared.” Hannah said, looking the young girl in the eyes to show support, but refraining from touching her. Poppy was huddled on the ground with her head buried in her knees. She let out quick sobs in between hiccups.

“I can’t..” she hiccuped and was transported from her seat under one tall tree to another. “..stop..” another tree. “it.”

“Try holding your breath.” Hannah offered to the girl, now four feet away.

“We tried that forty minutes ago.” Poppy sighed.

“What about the Secret Beach? We could get you water there. It’ll probably be sea water, but it’s water all the same and it’s really good for…” Hiccup. Poppy seemed to disappear and reappear at the tree in front of Hannah. When she appeared, a small gust of wind always joined her. Poppy’s ponytail would always appear swinging, and her yellow shirt would always be flapping. Hannah had stopped being surprised by her sudden appearances at least an hour into trying to cure her hiccups. “At least you can control where you go now. That’s handy.” she said, gesturing at the rip in he jeans from the time she landed on a low tree branch.

Hiccup. Poppy disappeared for a second, and reappeared an inch from where she was before. Somewhere in the transition, her left arm had gone into the tree. “Shit.” Hannah muttered under her breath.

“What?” she looked at her arm. A sound, similar to the screeching of nails on a chalkboard, escaped her mouth. She pulled on her arm frantically, but couldn’t move it out. “I can’t move it. Hannah I can’t move it.” she was sobbing loudly. Panic was taking over her. “I don’t want to loose my arm.” she blurted the words out between gasps for breath. “No. No I can’t. This is my good arm, Hannah. I don’t want to lose my arm.” her eyes widened, as if she’d just realised what she said. “No. I don’t want to lose my arm.” she was trying to keep her voice calm, but she had just stopped sobbing, and her voice was experiencing all the highs and lows that crying brings

She began to claw at the wood around her arm, which was cut off about two inches before her wrist, but to no avail. She found that the sapwood after the bark was harder to scratch away at with trimmed nails. She moved to herself. She attacked furiously, leaving red ribbons up and down her arm.

Hannah was dumbfounded. She couldn’t bring herself to move or speak. Just to watch. Something about being helpless had awakened something primal in Poppy, and Hannah was terrified of the short girl with the yellow t-shirt and the faded blue jeans.

“Hannah!” Poppy said excitedly. She had been clawing and biting at her arm for a couple minutes now, and her blood was welling up like the tears in her eyes that had been there moments ago. “I need you to get rid of my arm.” she said, looking her straight in the eyes.

“Poppy, I thought you wanted your arm. I thought you wanted to be free.” Hannah said calmly, with nothing but sympathy for the girl.

“Yes. Yes. No. My freedom is more important than my arm.” she said quickly, looking down. “So do the thing with your hands. Get rid of my arm. Then i’ll be free and i’ll win.”

“Win what?”

“Nothing.”

“Win what? Tell me.”

“No.” she laughed.

“I won’t let you out from the tree.” she laughed again.

A small stone came flying from a nearby tree. It collided with Poppy’s head, sending her unconscious. She fell from her knees and hit her head off the tree, before falling to the ground. Her arm moved down the tree with her.

Hannah grabbed Poppy’s feet with her elbows, and tried to pull her away. She had no desire to meet someone who could cause so much damage with a stone.


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Wed Jun 04, 2014 7:16 pm
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GreenLight24 wrote a review...



Hahaha! Wooh. That chapter was delicious! :D Nicely done. Here's my chapter two review for you. :)


Okay, here's what I liked about this chapter.

*clears throat*

One of the things I liked the most about the first chapter was the way you setup the basics for your characters and your setting (which actually became a character in its own right...), etc. What I found in this one was that you decided to take it a step further and just put them right into the action. Sometimes with novels, authors can take too long to actually put the reader into the thick of the story, so I like that you decided to just go right ahead and do that in only the second chapter here. Another awesome thing about this was how you offered a complete contrast to the cutesy, serene, innocent kind of tones you introduced in chapter one. You basically went ahead a blew all of that up, and the explosion was both frightening and extremely entertaining. In the first chapter, we have Hannah grabbing some cute fruits and throwing them at the nice old man. In this chapter, we have her watching Poppy lose her arm. :P Cian goes from wishing for a great summer to dying. I'm sorry but I just found his whole death scene to be HILARIOUS. Bad luck Cian: Wishes for a great summer. Dies. I mentioned in my last review that I was excited to see how the dynamic unfolded between the four friends, specifically the two subgroups (Hannah/Cian and Poppy/Alice.) I thought your decision to mix them up there was really cool and further helped you to juxtapose this chapter with the first one. Even the very first scene here with Alice waking up and bashing her Granddad was another thing that I thought helped to signal the shift here. The creature you introduced was great too. Talk about a scary-ass dream to have! For real though, I love the originality of this. Just having the whole damn Secret Beach just freakin' turn against them and kill Cian (LMAO) was great too.

Your narrative and thematic elements were still pretty good in this chapter, but I felt a bit of a decline here. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, because seriously, the adrenaline-packed and action-riddled narration here works flawlessly. Quite simply, this is awesome. It's just so much more fulfilling to my testosterone-filled violence complex. Thank you for that. It's cool that you haven't completely abandoned your symbols though, because the secret beach is still one that you utilize very well in this chapter.

Once again, great job. I don't really have much else to say right now and I just wanna hurry up and go see what chapter three has in store, so Im gonna go do that. :)




Gardevite says...


You got poppy and Hannah mixed up again. XD



GreenLight24 says...


lololol. Well you know what I meant hahaha.



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Mon May 19, 2014 5:50 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Hightop! It's me again, come to read c:

WHAT MY CIAN NOOO HE WAS MY FAVE CHARACTER :'(

How could you? And wow, Poppy suddenly has the power to appear and disappear again as well as control trees? I wonder what Hannah's power is (assuming she has one seeing as Poppy was sort of requesting it with her arm or something.) And poor Alice, who must be petrified after seeing her new found friend blown to bits. I can't wait to see what happens next. This was definitely a surprise.

I just don't see how someone knocking Poppy out would make her arm come out of the tree? I think you might've been thinking something along the lines of her power isn't in place when she is rendered unconscious so the affects of her appearing and disappearing in places wear off. But if you are, we need to know that as a reader as well! There has to be some way of fitting it in there, just to clarify a bit more as well. :)

Stupid Grandad. she thought You don't order people to be friends with someone. It's all his stupid fault. If he'd bothered to let me try make my own friends in the first place, they probably wouldn't have thought of me as dead weight. she kicked the sand with her heels


Don't forget to capitalize for that new sentence there! Also, no need for a new capital letter when you are saying her thoughts. It could simply be something like: You don't order people to be friends with someone, Alice thought. You could even put her thoughts in italics so it is a bit more separate from the narration that way.

His body had come back to him gradually, but almost completely.


The but seems a bit weird here, because gradual is well on the way to completely. So I would just cut the word out here.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop" the words were quiet, but buzzed like a bee in his ears. The grass had reached his knees. "stop, stop, stop" it was at his waist "stop, stop,"


Okay, all the repetitions of the phrases stop here need a full stop at the end. So they should all look like this: "Stop, stop, stop, stop." Which then would lead on to all the sentences, no matter how short, also needing a full stop at the end. Just to be correct with punctuation. ;)

the shot up in horror.


Minor typo. I think you mean then here instead.

She found that the sapwood after the bark was harder to scratch away at with trimmed nails. She moved to herself. She attacked furiously, leaving red ribbons up and down her arm.


I got what you were aiming at, but saying 'she moved to herself' seemed a bit strange and hard to understand at first. I would suggest something along the lines of, 'her nails hovered over her bare skin,' or 'she moved from scratching at the rough bark to her own flesh.' Or something :P

Get rid of my arm. Then i’ll be free and i’ll win.”


Don't forget the capitals!

“I won’t let you out from the tree.” she laughed again.


Maybe instead of saying she you should put Poppy instead. Just to make it more obvious that it isn't Hannah laughing this time but still the same, crazed girl.

Really, other than that I have nothing more to say. I hope we still get to see Alice's initial horror of seeing her friend blown to bits, and find out what is causing all this madness. I am wondering how they have powers, and if Cian knew about it at all! Has this ever happened before? I can't wait to find out... eee. Post more soon :D Please. And do let me know!

Deanie x




Gardevite says...


Thank you Deanie! I promise everything will be explained soon!!

I'm just going to clarify some things! Alice is the one with control over the trees (well, nature, kinda. That'll be explained later!). Alice is the one who killed Cian, but she was in a very emotional state, and she didn't mean to (again, to be explained later! Poppy doesn't have any control over the trees. She has the ability to teleport! It's all on a microscopic level (again, explained later) so, while she was teleporting (brought on by her sneezing) she accidentally fussed with the tree, trapping her. (basically she became part of the tree.) I can't say more on this without spoiling anything, but let's just say that the stone hitting the back of her neck was important. ;)

Just to clarify



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Sun May 18, 2014 11:44 pm
Tiaradyson wrote a review...



WASSUP LOVELY ^_^

I am very confused here:
"All she could hear was lapping of the waves, and her own sporadic breathing."
I looked up the word sporadic and it just gave me; occurring at irregular intervals or only in a few places; scattered or isolated
I've never heard of that word.

Does that mean she had an odd breathing?
I believe there is a limit to how big of words you should use. You could have said dry air or dull or more descriptive words than stagnant. Some people don't know what that means.

I got chills lol Your story has everything a third person book would have, but it's so interesting how the characters never know what happens before the readers do.
Couple misspells but who really cares. It's mostly grammar we care about. Ehhhhh..... Your words flowed, it was good.

This is very good imagery;
"but the scream set him in motion. With the grace of a frightened duck, her charged down the road."
But you seem to lack lots of description of where they are at in each perspective. And I only see is just them being pulled and conversation with a black scene behind the characters.




Gardevite says...


Thank you! ^_^ what a nice review!



Gardevite says...


Ohh sorry, forgot to ask. Would you like be updated on this story? Like when a new chapter comes out, would you like to be tagged?



Gardevite says...


Ohh sorry, forgot to ask. Would you like be updated on this story? Like when a new chapter comes out, would you like to be tagged?




That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend