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Young Writers Society



Godtrust ~ Chp.1 (Title Pending)

by Gardevite


The house looked like a bomb had dropped on it. There was paint peeling off it. It's walls were stained with god-knows-what, and it climbed the house like ivy. The windows were covered with dust. Slabs were loose from the roof, and the pile in front of the house seemed to say that nobody cared. An old oak-tree stroked the side of the house almost periodically. The grass reached for the sky like outstretched arms, and Alice found herself wondering why nobody had had the good sense to cut it. Why nobody had bothered to clean this place up at all.

"How was your flight?" said a voice from behind her. Alice turned around to see her Granddad standing behind her. He was an old man, but young in spirit. His skin was covered in wrinkles, and his hair had long since abandoned him, but the smile on his face made him seem twenty two. He was wearing on old, brown suit.

"Great" she said "I slept the entire time!" They both laughed. "It's great to see you, Granddad."

"You too, honey." He said wrapping her in his arms. "You too. Now c'mon. Poppy will almost be finished with dinner."

"Poppy?"

They had to walk through a narrow hallway to get to the kitchen. The house was much cleaner on the inside, Alice noticed. The walls were a pastel green color, that seemed to always be darker the farther it was away from you. She noticed some paintings hanging on the walls, but was too short to see them. "I sure hope your shoes are off!" Someone said from the end of the hall.

"They are!" Granddad shouted back. "Are yours?" he whispered to her.

"Yep!" she said back, a little too loudly.

"Who's that?" the voice said again.

"My granddaughter" Granddad said, swinging the large double doors open.

Alice had to take the kitchen in all at once. Cabinets littered every wall. Pots and pans hung from the ceiling like bats, ready to swoop. I thin layer of steam was wafting around the air. The room seemed infinite to her.

"Wait, she's coming today!" the voice seemed distressed.

"She's here already!"

"I'm a mess! Tell her to go away for a sec."

"She won't care, just come out." Alice could hear the clanging of pots behind a counter that was situated in the middle of the room. A young girl, about Alice's age, emerged from behind a wall of pots and pans that were pilled on the cooker. Her blonde hair was tied in a lazy ponytail. She was wiping her flour-stained hands on her apron, which only showed off parts of her faded jeans.

"Hello!" she said, smiling and looking embarrassed.

"Hello." Alice said back, giggling. "Are you Poppy?"

"Yep!" she said, closing her eyes and tilting her head back "You've probably heard a lot about me."

"Not really" Alice admitted, holding her hand over her mouth to keep her from laughing.

"Hey! Old-Man! Why don't you tell your family how helpful and kind and considerate I am!" she shouted, throwing fruit from a basket at him. Her face had gone red. He laughed every time something hit him, as if the blows sent the air out of him. Alice wondered if it actually hurt him or not.

"Poppy" Granddad said, suddenly serious. Poppy stopped throwing fruit that instant.

"Yes?"

"I'm no longer going to need you to cook and clean for me."

"Uh-uh, old-man." she replied "That's not your choice."

"No. I mean. I need you to be friends with Alice. I need you to show her a good time. Give her as fun a summer as you possibly can."

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Sure! I can do that" She turned to Alice and smiled "After dinner, well go to the board!"

They had been walking for twenty minutes. Alice's feet felt heavy. She wasn't used to walking such long distances. There was a chill breeze blowing over the island that was more than welcome in the blaring heat. "What exactly is the bored?" Alice asked of the girl beside her, trying to hide her exhaustion and sweat.

"It's a big notice board in the middle of the island. People put announcments and stuff there. But the fun thing is, if any adult finds something they think the kids'll like, they post it there!" she smiled "It really is nice of them to do that."

"Oh, that's cool! Are there many other kids? Alice asked

"Two. Another girl named Hannah, who's a bit older than me; she's 15, and a boy named Cian. He's 13, like me. They're really nice, so don't be worried."

"I was not!" she said hasteily. But in reality, Alice scared. What if they decided their group was big enough? What if they left her behind?

They reached the board ten minutes later. Hannah and Cian were already there, surveying the board. It was made of an aging wood, with a cork-board surface. Tiny little notes were scattered all around it. Poppy announced their arrival.

"...and this is Alice. She'll be staying here for the summer. It's my job to make sure she has the best summer ever!" They waved at her, smiles on their faces.

"We were just going down to the Secret Beach. Wanna come?"

"Yes! It's a great day for the beach. Let's go." They all went to move, but Alice stopped them.

"What's the Secret Beach?" she said quietly, feeling left out.

"There's a beach." Hannah said, pulling her brown bangs out of her eyes so she could look down at her. Her long white dress made Alice feel under-dressed "and if you go there, and walk through a small forest-"

"-then over a pile of rocks." Cian added.

"You get the Secret Beach. It's just like the regular beach except nobody can see you. It's a special place." Poppy finished.

"We have a small club-house down there. You can join our club!" Cian said, swaying from side to side.

"What's the club called?"

"Um"

"It doesn't have a name yet." Hannah sighed "But we'll think of one eventually."

The waves were crashing down along the shore like planes. They had all taken their shoes off. The sand felt good under their feet. Ahead of them, Alice saw the forest. The trees towered above them like monsters. It stretched back for an infinity. A small path opened in front of them, like a mouth with a sandy tongue. "If there's a path goin' there, then how is this a secret beach?" Alice asked.

"You'll see" Cian said. They walked on the path for ten minutes before coming to a fork in the road. One path was blocked by a tower of fallen stones from the cliff up-above.

"Ohh" Alice said under her breath. They climbed over the pile one by one. Alice was the last to go. She could barley find her footing in the stones, and they twisted and turned and fell with every step she took. Alice was shaking, and eventually stopped climbing. After a while, Cian climbed up the other side, and held his hand out to her. His dark hair rustling in the wind, along with his black shirt that was much too big for him.

"Grab my hand." he said. She steadily put her hand towards him, and before she knew it, was being pulled over the mountain similar to the way a bear might help a salmon out of the water. They rolled down the other side of the mountain, which, to her surprise, was just dirt.

"Are you okay?"

"Did it hurt?"

"Do you want to go back?" she waved away all their concerns.

"I'm fine!" she said, standing up. "Don't worry about me."

"Or me." Cian said in a huff.

The group reached the Secret Base within minutes. Almost half the area was shaded by two high cliffs, one on either side. Right in front of them was a small, make-shift 'house'. Behind it was a small water pool, with an ugly sculpture in the center.

"Okay. It's not actually a beach." Hannah said.

"At night, the tide comes in and fills that little pool over there." Cian pointed out "So the water is always fresh and clean."

"It's so beautiful" Alice said, shocked by the magnitude of the area she was in.

Poppy and Cian were playing in the pool. Every now and then Alice and Hannah heard their laughing. Or shouting. Or crying. They thought in highs and lows, like young children always do. Over time, Alice became more and more curious about the sculpture at the center of the pool. It looked like a fat old woman's head, except she had no eyes. "What's that?" she asked Hannah, who was enjoying kicking her feet in the water.

"I'ts a Godtrust." she replied, as if they were as common as weeds.

"A Godtrust?"

"Yeah. A Godtrust. It's a way that people used to talk to the old Gods of the island. They used to change the shape every year, depending on how nice the Gods had been that year."

"So, they were mean. So the people made the Gods ugly?"

"Exactly!" she said turning her head to look at Alice. "You're pretty smart." she said rustling her hair. Alice smiled at the gesture of affection.

"So how does it work?"

"What work?"

"The Godtrust thing." Hannah turned over onto her stomach, holding her head up with her fists.

"There's a little pool of water on the top of it. You put leaves in it. If they sink, the Gods'll help-or so they say."

"Can we try it?" Hannah looked up at her for second.

"Yeah."

The Godtrust looked fall from land, but up-close they could see that it was just built on an underwater hill. They all gathered around it,using the dirt from the hill to stand. "Alright, does everybody have a leaf?" Hannah asked.

"I have my one." Alice said, clutching it with both hands.

"Mine is heart shaped!" Poppy chimed in.

"Yep." Cian said, laughing at the absurdity of what they were doing.

"And I have mine." Hannah sighed. "Okay."

"So what do we do?" Cian asked.

"See the little pool of water on the top?" she replied "Well, we all put our stuff in there, and ask the Gods for something. Easy!"

"Let's all wish for the best summer ever!" Poppy said, smiling.

"I wish for the best summer ever!" Poppy said, putting in her leaf.

"I wish for the most exciting summer ever" Cian said, dropping in his.

"I want the most fun summer ever!" Hannah said, putting in hers.

"I want an unforgettable summer!" Alice said, carefully placing her leaf on the water's surface. They lingered for a moment, then sank right to the bottom.


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Wed Jun 04, 2014 6:39 pm
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GreenLight24 wrote a review...



Hey there, HightTop! I'm taking on a serious commitment to read and review all four of your chapters on this wonderful Wednesday morning! Fear not though, I shall do it and do it to the best of my ability! :D

Now then, for the review!

*clears throat*

The first thing I would like to do before we get into the meat of this review is to commend you for all of the things that you have done well. I absolutely love your style of writing and think that it's both easy to read and understand while also being incredibly descriptive. I enjoyed reading all of your physical descriptions of the characters, the old house, and the Secret Beach. You've definitely got some descriptive talent and it shows through in this chapter. What's cool about being able to describe things so well is that it will make utilizing some of those symbols you've introduced (the head statue in the Godtrust pool, the old house, the beach, etc.) a lot easier for you down the road. In this chapter, you have managed to provide the reader with both some very good context about the setting and characters (which any good first chapter should do) as well as to provide them with some very memorable images that they can keep in the back of their mind as the novel progresses. This is great because like I said earlier, you've established your symbols well, but also because you have challenged your audience to become actively engaged with your story. That is an invaluable thing for anyone writing a novel because par of the reason we write novels is to have the audience get something out of it. When your readers are actively engaged with your characters, conflicts, and themes, they want to keep on reading. Nowadays, keeping people interested can be difficult at times, but I think that you've done a nice job of doing that here. I certainly can't wait to see where you take this in the ensuing chapters. :)

Another thing I liked about this chapter was the way you gave each of your characters a really definite role and personality. It's very important to kind of lay out the basics for a novel early on, and central characters are a very large part of that. Not only have you defined your characters well, but you've also created personalities that your readers can grow attached too. I personally have already become interested in seeing how Alice and Hannah's friendship progresses. The dynamic between the two is adorable and I feel like they'll be the main focal point as far as the conflicts and story arcs of this novel go. Then again, we'll just have to wait and see, because you've done a pretty good job of not saying too much too soon. I also like the character of the Granddad and the other kids. Maybe you'll even use the dynamic between Poppy and Cian as a foil for that between Hannah and Alice. Or maybe not. The fact that you've given yourself a wide range of options for where you want to take this is much more important that what exactly you choose to so with it.

*Unicorn busts in.* *shouts* "TIME FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!!"

As far as constructive criticism goes, I've only got one thing to suggest to you: Go back and proofread. Honestly, that's something that everyone should always do and it's something that no work is ever exempt from. You are a total queen of awesomeness with your narrative and thematic elements, but there are a few places where I think you could touch up the wording just a little bit. Your grammar and spelling are pretty flawless, so that's not what I would focus on, but just go back and really filter out anything you think you could possibly make better. All in all, this was a fantastic chapter and I'm excited to read the next one and the next two after that! :D




GreenLight24 says...


Side note: I just realized I mixed up Poppy and Hannah, but you know what I meant lol. :P Also, I forgot u were a guy, so "queen of awesomeness" should be "king of awesomeness"...basically it means you're awesome either way XD.



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Sun May 18, 2014 4:38 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Hightop!

I don't think I have read anything of yours yet so I guess it is about time ;) I have to say, this is a pretty sweet story already. I like Cian most of all; he seems kind and a little bit funny too. Also, the Godtrust idea is awesome :D It was such a lovely way to open the story and end the chapter. I wonder what their summer is going to hold :) Either way I hope it is fun for them all! I also really liked your descriptions. You had some lovely lines in there like the stains climbing the house like ivy and the old oak-tree stroking the side of the house... brilliant descriptions. Very captivating :)

The house looked like a bomb had dropped on it. There was paint peeling off it. It's walls were stained with god-knows-what, and it climbed the house like ivy. The windows were covered with dust.


This is just a suggestion. I would've really liked if the third sentence became the second one instead, and if you put the last one together with the second. I hope that doesn't seem too confusing. ^.^ Here's what I mean:

The house looked like a bomb had dropped on it. It's walls were stained with god-knows-what, and it climbed the house like ivy. There was paint peeling off it as if trying to escape, and the windows were covered with dust.

I added a bit more to the paint peeling part because after the lovely sentence before it, it needed a little more 'glitter' too :)

Slabs were loose from the roof, and the pile in front of the house seemed to say that nobody cared. An old oak-tree stroked the side of the house almost periodically


This is a really small thing, but you've already said 'house' three times in this paragraph and ultimately I think it was mentioned too close together here. Maybe you could change the second one to 'oak-tree stroked the wall of its choice almost periodically,' or something like that. Excuse my terrible example :P

He was an old man, but young in spirit. His skin was covered in wrinkles, and his hair had long since abandoned him, but the smile on his face made him seem twenty two. He was wearing on old, brown suit.


You strike again with a lovely description <3 I think the last sentence could be cut though... I didn't really care what he was wearing and it would be nice and complete to end it on a note of him looking so young, don't you think? Again, this is just me working with flow and being picky, so again, this is simply a suggestion.

Now c'mon. Poppy will almost be finished with dinner


This doesn't really need to be two sentences. Change the full stop to a comma and it's perfect ;)

"My granddaughter" Granddad said


This was the thing that bothered me the most while reading this chapter I think. It was the dialogue. You always need to have either a full stop or comma (okay, or a question or exclamation mark) on the inside of the speech marks at the end. So if it is the end of the sentence, use a full stop. But if it isn't then a comma will suffice. Sometimes you used a full stop where it wasn't really the end, or didn't have anything at all. In this particular case you'd need a comma. I could also be explaining this in a confusing way, but there is a really helpful article on YWS here, so this could also be useful: Punctuation within Dialogue

"Wait, she's coming today!"


Seeing as it is a question I would use the question mark, but if you still want to show that she is exclaiming it maybe mention it in the tag afterwards? So instead of her sounding distressed it could be her voice rising as she panicked or something.

A young girl, about Alice's age


A young girl is doing all the chores? Now I wonder how young she is! And this doesn't help us much, because we don't exactly know how old Alice is yet. :) So maybe mention it earlier. For example, her Granddad asking something along the lines of, "How did a little eight year old do on such a long plane journey?" And Alice could answer something like, "I was fine!" Which then means her 'I' makes the reader note the eight-year-old reference was directed at her.

She was wiping her flour-stained hands on her apron, which only showed off parts of her faded jeans.


I would change showed off to revealed instead, just because to me it fits better :) Due to an apron hiding clothing more than trying to make it look better.

Also, you fleeting mention that it's an island! Whoa O.o I want to know what it looks like then! It could be one of those islands like Cyprus that looks sorta tropical with the houses like those in Greece, or it could be like a normal town or very tropical like Jamaica :P I want to know what it looks like! You've also got plenty of time to do it too as they are walking, which is the perfect moment to look around and see what an island is like!

They reached the board ten minutes later. Hannah and Cian were already there, surveying the board


Ah, here again it's just the close repetition of the word board. Maybe just use it for the second sentence? Or change the first sentence to saying 'they had finally reached their destination.' Your choice :)

I enjoyed reading this, and I can't wait to see what the four kids can get up to in the summer! I hope something interesting and adventurous. Let me know on my wall or something when the next chapter is posted! I would love to read it ^.^

Deanie x




Gardevite says...


Deanie you're literally a saint!! This was sooo helpful! But I feel kinda bad 'cos the rest of the novel isn't going to be this cutesy. XD



Deanie says...


This makes me wonder what the rest of the novel will be like... I guess we'll see (or maybe just me. YOU already know xD)



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Sat May 17, 2014 2:53 am
MadamKroft wrote a review...



Hello! I really enjoyed this chapter, but it does need some editing. Most of the editing that it needs is minor and easily fixable. I hope you don't take my review too personal! I just want to help. :)

"Poppy?"

They had to walk through a narrow hallway to get to the kitchen.

I'm a little lost. Were they already in the house? If not, describe them approaching it, and if they were, clarify?

"I sure hope your shoes are off!" Someone said from the end of the hall.

This needs to be a new paragraph because it is new dialogue.

I thin layer of steam was wafting around the air.

I think you meant "A thin layer..."

"Not really" Alice admitted

A comma is needed. Like this: "Not really," Alice admitted. It helps the flow. I'm sorry for pointing it out, but I'm just trying to help. The same goes for:
"Poppy" Granddad said, suddenly serious.
and so it should look like: "Poppy,"

"After dinner, well go to the board!"

The "well" should be "we'll"

"What exactly is the bored?" Alice asked of the girl beside her, trying to hide her exhaustion and sweat.

"bored" should be "board"

"I was not!" she said hasteily.

*Hastily

But in reality, Alice scared. What if they decided their group was big enough? What if they left her behind?

Do you mean Alice *was* scared?




Gardevite says...


Thank you. ^~^



MadamKroft says...


You're very welcome! :)




okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues