Published May 11, 2008
Shadows Crossed
Max had always had luck, that isn’t to say that it was always good luck per say but luck all the same. He sat now in the same little both that he had sat at every night, for the last three years, in the same little coffee shop. Ha calling this a coffee shop is like calling break dancing the waltz he thought. In front of him was a cup of coffee that was almost as empty as the notebook that was there to house ideas for his new book. The café was empty save for him, a guy named Bill that always came in, the waitress, and the cook jimmy and that is how Max liked it nothing really changed here, the same neon light that has been threatening to go out since Nixon was still in office was still there. Flicker, on, buzz, flicker and so on the radio played songs that came out the year the café was opened.
“Still drawing a blank?” Billie the waitress asked. He didn’t know her name but the again he didn’t need to she was just the waitress.
“Yes and no. The yes being that I haven’t came up with anything new in months.” Max said raising his blue eyes to meet her gaze. The long wool jacket he wore was making him to hot but he knew if he took it off he would forget it in the booth.
“Well, I hope that you can come up with something.” She said winking at him.
“I have a friend coming to meet me tonight so with any luck I might get a spark of inspiration.” He looked back down at his notebook and pen as if he had expected the blank page to be filled with words. She took the cue that he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to her and she walked off. His hands fumbled around in his pockets for a moment and then produced a pack of cigarettes; he pulled one and twirled it in his fingers before placing it in his mouth. His hands returned the pack to his jacket pocket and searched for a lighter, after a few seconds they gave up hope of finding one. The door swung open for a young boy that looked no older than seventeen. The boys tattered shorts seemed an odd fit to the button up shirt and sports jacket that he wore but at his time of night no one really questioned or even cared about his fashion choice. He walked with kind of a spring to his step and sat across from Max.
“Hia, long time no see.” The boy said to Max with a grin on his face.
“Yeah, I had almost given up hope of ever seeing you again.” Max said as he picked up the cup of coffee and drank from it. The newcomer saw the cigarette that max was holding.
“Need a light.” He said
Max gave him a nod placing the cigarette back in his mouth. The boy extends his hand to it and snapped and in on quick motion the cigarette flared up and the started smoking as if lit by a match.
“A little risky using a cantrip here in the open do you think? Don’t get me wrong it’s your hide Gavin and if you wanna get caught it’s your business not mine.” Max’s voice sounded concerned.
“No worries old friend, to all of these mundane I look like a normal guy in a nice suit that just offered you a lighter. You forget just because you can see it doesn’t mean they can,” Gavin reached in to his messenger bag that he had been carrying, “Here I think that this might help you with your writers block.” He handed Max a scroll.
“What is it?”
“The story of my last adventure, you’re in luck he had an Eshu with us that wrote everything that happened down. The Eshu are the story tellers and record keepers of our court.” Gavin smiled, his teeth were sharp like what you would expect to find on a cat not a fea.
“How was the trip by the way? Anything interesting happen?”
“Come on I don’t want to spoil the story for you but I do promise that it is all there.” as he said this Billie came back to fill Max’s drink.
“Can I get you anything sir?” her voice was very rehearsed and you can tell that she has asked the same question to a thousand people a day for the last twenty years.
“Sure, I would love a big Salad with lime and chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes oh yeah and a soda.” Gavin’s eye light up it wasn’t often that he got to eat really food any more and he wanted to take advantage of this great opportunity. Billie wrote down what he had just said and walked away slowly. After moving about to get comfortable in the booth Gavin got a small bag out of his messenger bag and placed it on the table. “That my dear friend is a bag of many things, there are only three of these in the entire realm and now after much hard work I have one.”
“That’s great what does it do?”
“Wrong question what you want to know is what it won’t do and that my friend it don’t know. See if I place my hand in it and grab something and pull it out then it is there.”
Max didn’t really think that explanation explained anything but knew better that try to ask. “Okay then so it just gives you a random item. Do you have any control over what the item is?”
“No of course not why would I want that?” Gavin seemed genuinely concerned about this question.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was a pretty good start, for like a novel or something there was definitely a sense of a few characters and a bit of a world around them not to mention a few mysterious questions too. So not bad at all.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Shadows Crossed
Not a bad opening paragraph that, if a little on the longer side. Got a nice bit of description about the place its set in which is definitely a decent place to start things off.
More helpful description, I like that.
This paragraph is definitely too long and a little awkward, just too many things happening in that one single paragraph, you need to break that one up quite a bit and flesh out those individual points better or the pacing just looks wonky.
Pretty cool way to show his powers I assume but um...a little forced....like that seemed unnecessary and intended just for us to see said powers.
[quote[“A little risky using a cantrip here in the open do you think? Don’t get me wrong it’s your hide Gavin and if you wanna get caught it’s your business not mine.” Max’s voice sounded concerned.[/quote]
Okay wait...is that not a power...I am now confused...whoops.
Again sounds super forced, it seems like the conversation was tailored just so that we would get this information rather than being natural.
Writing stories is always good...
A little too much telling there...you got to show that she's saying something rehearsed, not spell it out quite so blatantly.
Well that's an interesting place to end things at...I'll give you that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty neat little start to a story. The descriptions and dialogue was a little forced, it didn't sound terribly natural and it felt scripted but otherwise it sounds like an exciting prospect.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
-- okay in this paragraph you have a lot of runon sentences. Try to make your sentences shorter and too the point. If they are too long they can sometimes confuse the reader. “-- but you say "billie the waitress" isn't that her name? If your main character doesn't know her name, your readers shouldn't either.
“ -- watch the tenses. It should be I haven't come up with anything not came. -- this sentence feels out of place. Either take it out or reword it.
-- instead show that she's miffed or sad that he won't talk with her. Show don't tell. instead take this sentence out and say that he fished around in his pockets for cigarettes and a lighter. Victorious, he pulled a package of the white sticks out of his jacket, but then his shoulders slumped in defeat. You can't smoke without a light.
“-- try to avoid long blocks of dialogue or just dialogue. Remember the saying that you can walk and talk at the same time. put action in between. maybe galvin takes off his coat and the guy in the booth pauses to let smoke escape from his lips.
I really liked this piece! It was interesting. It definitley made me want to read more. Some things to think about
1) You have a lot of run on sentences. These can cause your writing to be confusing because long sentences can lead to jumping around from subject to subject. Shorten them and tighten the wording.
2) Try to be more descriptive.
3) Show don't tell.
4) Walk and Talk
Other than that, well done! You have the makings of a good story here