Published September 25, 2008
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Canary word: Present
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141,620 Literary Works • 675,175 Reviews
I agree with Kaylyn completely.
The poem was okay, but I expected better judging by you reviews.
the stanzas are a bit confusing. there's no order. It looks like there are just random numbers of lines bunched into stanzas.
I don't think this poem is organized enough. I found a few rhymes, so I'm not sure if you were trying to do it or they just found their way in there. If they were purposely placed in the poem, you need to work on your rhyme scheme(along with the number of lines in each stanza)
Your also shoving too many words within each line. Being descriptive is good, but don't overpower the point your making with fancy words.
I thought it was a little confusing, and you could work on your wording.
I suggest reading some of your own critiques, you may find your not following some of your own advice.
Thought I would review your poems. After all just returning the favor
I think that the poem sounded a bit forced and I couldn't really graple with a flow. It just wasn't that flowing to me in my opinion. I would think that maybe if you rephased soime lines it would flow better.
Yes your reviews are a bit harsh. Please so others don't get discouraged put a bit of positive in with the negative you throw at people. It isn't nice to trash others hard work.
You have a complicated vacbulary and thats fine but... you want others to be able to understand it. Just a tip.
cool poem, even though im not religious and this poem has quite a bit of religious links, i liked most of it
the vocab you use is cool, and how u describe the scene is very good
overall pretty good!
just curous, how long did you work on this before you posted it?
the first line is good, though the word "bright" sort of gives the impression of daylight, not night. but it also describes the stars and moon that could light up a night sky so it makes sense.I ve the names you used, Thor sounded odd but it worked well with the rest of the poem. The last two lines were strange, but set the mood nicely.
The first two lines in this are beautiful, i loved them. the nest two lines sort of put me off, i didn't really understand, but i liked the third line more, where it said And the fratility became sorrow, became dust. i liked that.
The first line was good, but tears caked with dirt sounds a bit forced. The rest of the lines where not very clear, i think you have such a fascination to use big long complicated words but i guess other people like that kind of thing, like my dad for instant lol
The first three lines were good, and the rest was just as beautiful. the last line was... odd. what does babylon mean? Ive never heard it before.
your poem was good, i enjoyed it but other people have told me you are a bit too harsh when you review their work, and ive got the impression that you know quite a lot about poetry (im still not sure if your fifteen or fifty eight) and if you are older than you say you are and you are a teacher or something give people the benefit of the doubt, where only youngsters starting out in the writing business so we cant all be perfect. but yes, your poem was wonderful
I think you didn't notice that I am not reviewing poetry, but anyway you asked for a review here it is. As much as I can do.
- Nothing here
- I suggest you change the last word and make it rhyme. It would give more style to the poem.
Ehm... Nothing else to say. The punctuation is well placed, the poem has a good tempo... Maybe some one more experienced in poems than me will be able to say more. Luck!
-Akayl