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Your word choice is amazing. I suggest removing the braces and the exclamation point in (but never for too long!). Also, you start off with a rhyme, but then it fades away, but rhymes are still kind of smattered in the poem. On the whole I thought your poem was beautifuly done, and it was most certainly better than mine. Keep writing.
Aloha, Gal. Here I am, ready to try and extract cohesive and/or tangible meaning from your glorious melting pot of poetic phrases!
The bolded part: I wish this part worked, because I like that you use both 'morning' and 'mourning' kind of parallel to each other. But, like everyone else said, it seems cluttered. Rhythmically, too, but just the sheer wordiness. You lose your subject and your action. I'll touch more on that point at the end.
As for the underlined part, what are the "eyes"? You use a simile-- "eyes like flies" --but the eyes themselves are another metaphor, or symbol. It's like an analogy on top of an analogy, and they're bogging each other down. Another example of losing your subject. Without your subject, you have nothing for all these fancy analogies to refer back to.
I like the exclamation mark. Makes things seem rushed, like time is somehow running out. Keep it.
The losing-your-subject thing: I've noticed this as a recurring issue in your poetry. Your phrases get so long-winded that whatever you were referring to the beginning is completely forgotten by the end. Work on stringing together thoughts a bit more cohesively instead of rambling on.
Now, a general observation about your poetry as a whole. Your poems are made up entirely of phrases and words. Not sentences, not paragraphs, not plot lines or stories to follow. You keep images fragmented and very separate-- it's only the general theme or tone of the piece that you tie together. And you do this well, usually. But, by relying so heavily on imagery and each separate metaphor or picture ringing true and being fantastically poetic, you forget about the bigger picture.
Here, you mention your bigger picture in the second line: "WHY". That's the real question asked; the rest of the poem is the answer. And you answer it wonderfully, with the grumpy peasant and the eveningsprint girl (who is, I gathered, Death). I, personally, liked the ending best because of its simplicity. But we never figure out exactly what is being asked. Why...what? Why is death coming to the narrator? Why is Death cruel, or unfair? Without knowing which "why" question this entire poem was in reply to, we can't fully appreciate the reply: the poem. If that makes sense.
Think about that. I can see it in every poem you write-- you tend to avoid thinking about a bigger picture, or having any plotline at all. But the natural progression of things is that first comes the question, and then the answer. So, what's the question, and why should we care about it?
Best of luck. Sorry for being muddled and possibly incoherent.
~Evi
Hey there Gal! Tis WD, as requested. I believe I have warned you, I am very rusty at critiquing poetry, but I will help however I can with this, though I'm afraid most of what I have to say will be echoes of those who have already posted here.
This was lovely; the personification of Death and the imagery here is wonderful and, for the most part, the flow is smooth and alluring and keeps a laidback beat that contrasts the subject matter in a rather unsettling way that I like. Wonderful job with this.
Like others, I had a problem with this first stanza. Mostly, the rhyming. You start with three lines that rhyme perfectly and one line that very nearly rhymes with the first three, giving the poem a lyrical feel to it and then you break it. I would not have a problem with the breaking of the rhyme if not for the awkward internal rhyme of mourn and scorn in the next line followed by the 'mourning'. The lyrical rhyme at the beginning interrupted by the nonrelated internal rhyme is extremely jarring. I think if you cut that internal rhyme, however, I would like the break from the lyrical beginning and the faint dabbling with internal rhyme later with 'eyes' and 'flies'. The internal rhyming later on in is nice, just not right after the lyrical beginning.
Like others, I will also pick out your ending. To be honest, I don't have a problem with this essentially. I think the simplicity of it is actually kind of nice, but the fact that your beginning lyrical rhyme similar to this got so abruptly jarred makes this also sound strange. Basically, I think that if you make the beginning flow more smoothly and weave a few internal rhymes through the meat of the piece, this ending will be lovely. Just right now it seems out of place because I'm relating it back to the beginning which felt out of place. Make sense?
All in all, I like this a lot! Beautiful piece! Very nice job here--just smooth out that beginning and weave the internal rhymes more thoroughly throughout it and I think it will be sound much better. Very nice! Hope this helps you! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Hey, Gal.
I liked the first stanza a lot before the rhythm/pattern/flow, broke. The personification of death is quite boring, though I like how you made it female. I haven't really even thought about it before, but all of the Deaths I've read about so far have been male.
The fourth stanza is possibly my favourite, and not only because of the wonderful word "eveningsprint." I didn't like the exclamation mark here, either:
It makes the part sound somehow preachy, in search of a better word.
I actually thought the ending stanza was nice, though "and I asked her about her" is a jumble. It just has the certain simplicity that I like, never mind it's not present in the rest of the poem.
Overall, I prefer this poem over the lot of your other ones. I have no more time and have to go, so this review probably seems a bit unfinished. However, I will only be back if you want me to. Heh.
Demeter
x
Time to stretch out my reviewing fingers. Hiya ^^
Definitely a fantastic poem that I enjoy very much, I find it much better than the last one you posted. It has a more of a simplicity to it but remains complex which is interesting and a little new to my poetry palette.
Let us see:
Now this end rhyme is at the very beginning of the poem but it isn't anywhere else (that I caught) though there is internal rhyme. It sort of cuts my hopes when you lead into this overly simple rhyme and really, do not back it up. I suggest finding something else.
This seems like a lovely part that got chewed up and spat out. It has so much potential, but it's so hacked up it makes me grimace. The division of the lines is messy and the imagery is cut up in my mind so that it appears in flashes. That won't do now will it?
I think the exclamation mark shouldn't have been put there. I'm already not a huge fan of brackets.
I like the 'get up' repetition but I wouldn't of put them in such a format. Either putting a comma or making them run into one another would be nice.
'get up, get up, get
up into...'
'get up gettupget
Or something like that. (the second one to give a slightly sleepy feel to an 'wakening a peasant'
Don't like this, everything else was so nicely plated for us. But this seems to be the sloppy dessert of a rushed chef. It's a lot more simple then the rest of the poem and there is no linking to the rest of the poem. It's just a lowly stand offish stanza to me. Quite weak compared to the rest.
--
This is definitely well done, just some loose threads to snip here and there. You've created an image that flows into each other (which is something I tend to fail in but anyways.) I hope this helped a little bit.
Kamas
Hey Gal!
So, I'm here, finally!
So, first of all I have to say that your poetry is exquisite and you have a great talent. I like this poem, I like your wording which by the way is excellent, your usage of adverbs and adjectives give the poem such a nice image. Your rhythm was really good, the flow was actually great, natural not many bumps and your rhyming, I fell in love with your rhyming.
I'm not a hundred% pro in poetry, so that's why I don't have much to say but as the others reviewers have said, there were this little bump in the first stanza that I think you should look over, because your rhyming has a constant pace, it gives us a constant pace to the poem and all of a sudden we find that little bump there.
The only part I don't like much is the third stanza. I don't feel it flowing as easily as it the rest of the poem does. The wording is ok but the constant rhyming you have in the rest of the poem just feels a bit dead in this part. I think you have watch this part and how it somehow doesn't really match with the rest of the poem.
So that's all I can say
Pudin
Galerius,
I love your poetry so much. I don't have much to say with this, so I'll expand what I do want to tell you. I love, love, love how you rhyme. Internal rhymes are the best, and you really grab seize it and don't let go. Your word choice is simply beautiful, also. I 100% agree with Kylan comment about the rhyming suddenly jarring in that first paragraph. I noticed that right away, and it sort of made me stand back and go, "Huh..." Like you said I said I liked Death as a female, I think it works wonderfully in this poem. It's a really great concept and I loved everything about it.
I'm not poetry expert, so don't ask me to comprehend this poem. I can get bits and pieces of it and most of the jist you've put in. But it's lovely to the ear and fun to read. Sorry for the lame review.
-Jared
Galerius --
There are many good things about this piece. Comprehension-wise, this is an excellent step in the right direction for you. The images are considerably more cohesive, and the rhythm is readily noticeable. All great improvements from the poetry you usually write. I only have a few comments.
I understand that you're trying to mix it up with the rhyme scheme and be a little more spontaneous than most with the patterns and structure of your rhymes. However, I found that in your first stanza, things got a little rocky. Because you do not stick to any particular scheme, the audience is somewhat thrown off when you break pattern midstanza.
The bolded portion is what I'm talking about. You have these lovely, cohesive rhymes for the first few lines, and then you break it off very suddenly, a little too suddenly, in the next few lines. I found it distracting, and a little cluttered. Further on in this stanza, in the underlined portion, you keep us waiting a little too long for the rhyme (flies...sky). I'd consider cleaning things up.
I love the repetition of "of" here. I also enjoyed some of the compound words you used. I've always been partial to made-up compound words.
My last complaint would be the final stanza. I don't like it. It's a weak ending, a little too simplistic in comparison to the rest of the poem, and the rhyming is bland as well. If you take away that, and some of the rhyming mishaps in the first stanza, I think you've got a great poem on your hands. Very well done, not too flashy, not too overbearing.
Good job.
-Kylan
Hi there, Galerius. Just thought that I would pop in and give this a quick review.
So, I really like this poem. It reminds me a lot of some Chinese and Japanese poetry that I read during World Literature last semester. I think that is because of its references to the seasons. This is a nice touch, in my opinion. You might want to consider strengthening those similarities. It's not essential, but I think it might be pretty neat.
I had to read over this a couple of times to really get a feel for what was going on. This is in part because I really have to pay attention with poetry like this, but I also think that you have a few extraneous words in here. My advice would be to go through the fourth stanza and see what you could chop out, as that is the only place where I really got hung up.
The only other gripe I have is a minor one, and it may even be over something you intentionally did and that I just don't get without an explanation. I always thought that Asgard was up in the sky, over the Rainbow Bridge, and that it was Nifelheim (sp?) that was underground. Again though, this may be a conscious choice on your part to try to say something that I'm just not catching. If that's the case, feel free to disregard that part of my advice.
This is a really good piece though. You just need to tighten it up a bit. Feel free to send me a PM with any questions or comments you might have.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice