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untitled (or THAT STUPID A**HOLE)

by Galatea


“Trust not him that hath once broken faith; he who betrayed thee once, will betray thee again.”

You are (were) the One
You materialized
Something like a déjà vu dream
And swept me away
Promised me someday a ring
Two beautiful children
A home all our own
Someday
Someday that would never come
I said I feared
I would never see you again
You made me promise to return home
Safe, safe to you
I kept my promise
I came home safe
With nothing in my heart
But desperation to touch you again
You who touched another
While I was gone
I was never meant to see you again
I've moved on
I am better off without you
You are nothing to me now
Nothing but a source of anxiety
And a dull ache behind my breast plate
You gave up me
For her
I thank the Goddess
Each and every day
That you called it quits
When I would have tried to make it right
Through better and worse
Richer and poorer
Sick and well

Thank you,

For you poor decision
Your lack of judgement
Your callous
Empty
Frozen
Heart
For my life is better
Now that you are gone


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Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:53 pm
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niteowl says...



The only thing I would suggest is maybe break the big block into stanzas. Otherwise, it's awesome. Just a typo here:

For you poor decision


Wow. Great job. Keep it up!




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Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:48 pm
yoha_ahoy wrote a review...



Ouch. That's a painful poem. I mean, you feel the pain of the writer. I hope this really didn't happen to you. If it did, I am truly sorry. *hugs* I love the last stanza though. The way it reads with "Your callous, empty, frozen, heart." Nice job. :)

~Yoyo 8)




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Fri Mar 07, 2008 5:53 pm
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STARGAZER14 says...



interesting




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Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:02 am
Meshugenah wrote a review...



just a few quick things-

Someday
Someday that would never come

Safe, safe to you

Sick and well

Thank you,

For you poor decision


ok. these all sound to me like you want to make them a similar style. decide which you like better, the someday line someday, or safe, safe and continue in that pattern. the thank you i would repeat for style consistency.





Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness