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Young Writers Society



incubi (16+)

by Galatea


he opened my eyes
opened my thighs
kissed me
sucked my soul

banished my fear
bit my ear
touched me
ate me alive

tore out my heart
spread me apart
burned me
holding me close

pulled me through him
i never knew him

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55 Reviews

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Sat Dec 18, 2010 5:14 am
hayley10019 wrote a review...



he opened my eyes opened my thighs kissed me sucked my soul banished my fear bit my ear touched me ate me alive tore out my heart spread me apart burned me holding me close pulled me through him i never knew him


--I think that you could have really added a little more emotion.. maybe a little more imagery. A few words here and there.. tweaking any grammical errors. Adding a little more emotion.. a little more image of how you felt... where you were.. what was around.. what you notice most.. things that grab a reader and screams, "HEY!"

Other than that...
You are a very brave writer to write about such a thing, most people would not and for that I admire your courage.

----Emotions would add more to this fact though.

Keep writing because you seem like to have a lot to write about.

Hayley




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67 Reviews

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Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:03 pm
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PandaRawr wrote a review...



This was short and powerful. The message is clear and the descritions were great, but if I were writing it I would put more emotion into it. Obviously this is rape but it's facts. Poetry is about feelings. When he "sucked her soul" did she feel empty? Dead.

It wasn't bad but it could have been better.

-Writer




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Thu Jan 06, 2005 2:37 am
Galatea says...



I wrote this as an exercise for a creative writing class, and fell in love with it thereafter. I suppose I should refrain from posting poems I am simply proud of. However, Incandescence, I would request that in the future you try to be a bit more friendly when you critique a poem. I don't say this for my sake, but for the sake of the younger writers here who could take as a personal offence the caustic tone you seem to enjoy using. Thank you.




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 11:11 pm
convintojm says...



i felt nothing for the person so i just couldn't like it. if left me with this and i care why sorta feeling.




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 7:18 pm
Incandescence wrote a review...



I didn't like this as much as I did Cyber. It just lacked all forms of imagery whatsoever. Not good. I think this was also done in an interesting way, but your syntax made it seem like just another polyphonic love poem. Cyber had many more moving words and something about that deeply touched it's reader. This had traces of that, but they weren't anywhere near as prominent.

he opened my eyes/opened my thighs/kissed me/sucked my soul


You're first two lines, such as in the opening stanza, were in great rhythm. The last two lines had a rhythm of their own. I think if you changed some words it would be better. As a poem it wasn't as good as it should be.

ate me alive


This is terribly overused. I suggest you don't do it. It may seem like the only way you feel about this relationship, but try to find some way to make it relate to your audience. Don't leave me saying, "So what?" after I've read it, because you can do so much better than this.

tore out my heart/spread me apart/burned me/holding me close


This waxes troglodyte. I think this should have had more imagery in it that would allow your reader to see what you see, feel what you feel. Right now, I'm watching a movie in black and white roll to the screen, no sound and no emotions through a bunch of actors, puppets, really. I want to hear them, I want to feel them scream, I want to see something more than what you're showing me. Also, the last rhyme was terrible. Don't ever use the same words right after each other--it makes you come off as somewhat unoriginal.

Overall, I thought this could be better, especially after being spoiled with Cyber.




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Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:47 pm
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Matt Bellamy says...



Loved it. Short but effective. I thought I'd hate it when I read the second line, but great. You're a brave writer, some people wouldn't dare write like that. It's quite admirable.





What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye