he opened my eyes
opened my thighs
sucked my soul
banished my fear
bit my ear
ate me alive
tore out my heart
spread me apart
holding me close
pulled me through him
i never knew him
he opened my eyes opened my thighs kissed me sucked my soul banished my fear bit my ear touched me ate me alive tore out my heart spread me apart burned me holding me close pulled me through him i never knew him
This was short and powerful. The message is clear and the descritions were great, but if I were writing it I would put more emotion into it. Obviously this is rape but it's facts. Poetry is about feelings. When he "sucked her soul" did she feel empty? Dead.It wasn't bad but it could have been better. -Writer
I wrote this as an exercise for a creative writing class, and fell in love with it thereafter. I suppose I should refrain from posting poems I am simply proud of. However, Incandescence, I would request that in the future you try to be a bit more friendly when you critique a poem. I don't say this for my sake, but for the sake of the younger writers here who could take as a personal offence the caustic tone you seem to enjoy using. Thank you.
i felt nothing for the person so i just couldn't like it. if left me with this and i care why sorta feeling.
I didn't like this as much as I did Cyber. It just lacked all forms of imagery whatsoever. Not good. I think this was also done in an interesting way, but your syntax made it seem like just another polyphonic love poem. Cyber had many more moving words and something about that deeply touched it's reader. This had traces of that, but they weren't anywhere near as prominent.
he opened my eyes/opened my thighs/kissed me/sucked my soul
ate me alive
tore out my heart/spread me apart/burned me/holding me close
Loved it. Short but effective. I thought I'd hate it when I read the second line, but great. You're a brave writer, some people wouldn't dare write like that. It's quite admirable.
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