First off, I wasn't exactly sure where to put this...so here it is. I don't like to title things, so this'll probably end up without one. One more thing, if you're having trouble reading it, try speaking it out loud. Most of my poetry is written to be spoken, which is why I have so much trouble with formatting ^_^. Rip it to bits. I'm hell-bent on polishing this piece.
* * *
fresh as any daisy still withering picked from the lifeblood of the universe
craving a sustaining force not just a makeshift home of water and glass
praying to spread roots cut clean still feeding though earth has stopped giving
stop giving me flowers why do you insist on handing me dead weight?
who can handle to be so free so free cut free from world weight weighing down silly light balloon girls
be careful what you wish for you just might find yourself
stuffed in a vase with nothing to do but die
tied not to roots but the lack therof dependant on some
higher being to fill up your bed so maybe you'll live
one
more
day
not immobile but immovable
borrowed seasons continuing facade of what might be life but alas!
the poor fool was left to her own devices and
cut loose
as fingers reaching to heaven in motionless pose
struck silent
grounded to one place
mortal though no one would guess it
living dead so why not take that last little step
no one would blame you, strange blossom, feasting on shadows
maybe it won't even hurt
for long.
no choice but to give in.
to
...fate?
which is worse, then?
stuck to the ground with no where to go,
or sev'ring the stem, and ceasing to grow?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
great job i liked this part!!!!
one
more
day
not immobile but immovable
borrowed seasons continuing facade of what might be life but alas!
the poor fool was left to her own devices and
cut loose
as fingers reaching to heaven in motionless pose
struck silent
grounded to one place
mortal though no one would guess it
living dead so why not take that last little step
no one would blame you, strange blossom, feasting on shadows
The imagery is amazing you can see and feel whats happening well done!!!!
Try breaking up the lines.
i can not wait to hear you read this out loud.
i enjoy this alot, and i envy your talents with stream-of-consciousness immensley.
you slow down after "one more day" and i'm not sure if i like that. it works better yes, but i'd rather see you go atempo, and then slow it down dramatically at the end. or something. that may not even work so you can pretty much disregard this.
Way over my head, but a pretty cool style of writing.
Wish I could offer some sturdy words of advice, but I'm affraid some poems, to me, seem like the result of a fight with a dictionary.
Though this is my problem.
Now this sounds like an insult to the poet, but it isn't. I like the freedom the author shows.
The first verse does seem a tinsy bit over crowded, but I love the rest! In fact, if you trimmed of the first verse (not much mind) I'd absolutly love the whole piece. I really like the affect of the "one, more, day" bit. And the question at the end. Brilliant!
I still love this poem. Although I agree that the first verse looks a bit too crowded a few lines seem longer than they should be for a nice look. I'm sorry to say that I'm not even sure how I'd suggest to fix it. But I like the poem in print but its even more astonishing to hear you read it. When I see it on the page I hear your voice.
Thank you so much bubble, I'm really flattered! The stream of conciousness writing is rather difficult, simply because you never know if your thoughts will make sense in the long run. Plus its very difficult to format. If you're looking for inspiration, read Ginsberg's Howl. He's definitly one of my idols...
WOW. Seriously, I am blow away. I love this poetry and this particular type of poem - particularly the run-on stream-of-consciousness thing you have going. Dont change a thing. I mean it. No offense to Tessitore but I think its perfect the way it is. It has to be crowded and bunched so that "one/more/day" has the right effect! Awesomeawesomeawesome! You have inspired me, I must try my hand at this style myself. I've always loved it but never been brave enough to give it a try. But I love this poem. Definitely one of the - if not THE - best poems out there. Kudos! I look forward to seeing some more work from you
This poem seems crowded. I really like your:
bit. It seems really nicely paced. You just need to space a little more, pace a little slower, during the rest of the poem. It seems to much. Too busy... a little too much going on in it. I couldn't really peg it to a certain part, but it's definatley needing a different speed. Less.
I like the theme, I really do, but slow it down or speed it up... but keep in that one more day bit... because that is really, really nice. Brings together the poem as it is.
...I'm horrible at this, I know... gomen...