Published September 27, 2005
PART I
translucent smoke
lucid dreaming in red rose haze
voices the colour
of tinted glass
and eyes that reflect light
mirrors
PART II
I say to you
With all sincerity
And good intention
For your own good
To keep you from harming others
Its important
Listen
Open the lock on your brain
Get a fucking clue
PART II.5
FUCK YOU
yes, again
FUCK YOU
oooh, that feels good
PART III
dead light
smiling eyes
frozen lips
waxen smile
kiss me
show me on the doll where daddy touched you
show me
show me that place no one else gets to see
show me
show me that porn again ooh baby
you know i respect you
especially when you put your lips on...
yeah, there
PART IV
lucid dreaming
rememories of the future
visions in sparkling champagne delights
sweet sugar melt teeth
dripping white ecstasy
breahting easy
light heart, flutter
I love you...
shit
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
For heaven's sake, WHY. I need to know WHY you don't like it. The fact that you don't doesn't help me in the least! And to that effect, Jenna, I need to know why you like the division of thoughts. Why are the first and last stanzas your favorite. The language? The construction? You happen to like beginnings and endings...
C'mon people. If we are ever going to be effective artists, we need to learn to review like artist.
My mind goes with Bobo and Mr.Wallace.
I like how each little idea is a part. My favorites are the first and last ones.
weird. dont like it though.
You did certainly dabble with sweetness over the whole vulgarity of the poem. I enjoyed it, really, in a sick sort of way. Which, I suppose, is the main point of the poem. The first part was a little choppy and confusing, but it certainly got it's point across by the end of part three. I did like the ending.
I am not noting this poem for it's poetic nature (for it has very little), nor rhythm (for it has none), nor the situation (for it disgusts me...well, almost), but for the way you handled it all. If I ever wrote a poem on this topic I'd probably have nightmares about it for weeks. Then again, I'm still a child living with their father so I can't deny that that might influence my feelings of fear on the topic.
I like the blends here: conversational yet lyric, sweet yet vulgar, brutally blunt yet ambiguous. The arrangement reminded me of the tangle of emotions involved in love- the emotions that can make animal fucking a kind of love-making, and vise versa- unpredictable, raw, immediate... Damn, I need to get laid.
Anyway,
I don't care for the division of parts. It's distracting. Keep me going; don't give me starts and stops. The first stanza is a bit too like fluff for the rest of the poem- pretty, but unnecessary. I liked the intimacy of addressing "You", the use of repetition for emphasis, and adored the tone and your voice.
One more thing- was the switch from capitalization to lack therefore and back intentional? It seemed a little sloppy.
As you know, because you're sitting behind me, I'm laughing my ASS off. This is def. one of those pieces where a bit of insight into the mind of Gal becomes handy.
Anyway, on to the critique.
Part I:
YES: red rose haze....ooooh.... nice turn of phrase.
NO: I feel as if the word "mirrors" is unnecessary. I'd rather see an adjective-- I understand why you used "mirrors" but it's not doing anything for me. (Turn me on, baby!!!)
Part II:
NO:
Eh, repeated words. How 'bout for your own sake?
apostrophe.
YES: Anger. yesyesyes.
Part II.5:
I already know you want to. Slut.
I do like the ambiguity in this 1/2 stanza-- is the motivation pain or pleasure?
Part III:
What is it with you and incest lately?????
I want to be bothered by the style change here. But the last three lines are so wonderful,
so I forgive the fact that this part doesn't really fit. [Everything's been very pleasant imagery up till II.5/III. Then suddenly it's dark, cold and mean-- just the way I like it.]
Part IV:
Rememories--interesting
Should that be "meltS teeth" or am I reading it wrong?
Excellent stanza, all together.
I like the piece, and even with this unorthodox format, it still flows well--kudos!! It does seem a little fluff: forgive me, m'dear, but if there is meaning here beyond inspiring laughter in me, and spontaneous combustion of the head in everyone else, I'm missing it.
In conclusion....
I love you...
shit.
[pre][/pre]
You decide.
I'm confused. What exactly is the message meant in this? Or are there different messages in each section?