Young Writers Society

weird. dont like it though.

I like how each little idea is a part. My favorites are the first and last ones.

My mind goes with Bobo and Mr.Wallace.

My mind goes with Bobo and Mr.Wallace.

I like how each little idea is a part. My favorites are the first and last ones.

weird. dont like it though.

You did certainly dabble with sweetness over the whole vulgarity of the poem. I enjoyed it, really, in a sick sort of way. Which, I suppose, is the main point of the poem. The first part was a little choppy and confusing, but it certainly got it's point across by the end of part three. I did like the ending.
I am not noting this poem for it's poetic nature (for it has very little), nor rhythm (for it has none), nor the situation (for it disgusts me...well, almost), but for the way you handled it all. If I ever wrote a poem on this topic I'd probably have nightmares about it for weeks. Then again, I'm still a child living with their father so I can't deny that that might influence my feelings of fear on the topic.

I like the blends here: conversational yet lyric, sweet yet vulgar, brutally blunt yet ambiguous. The arrangement reminded me of the tangle of emotions involved in love- the emotions that can make animal fucking a kind of love-making, and vise versa- unpredictable, raw, immediate... Damn, I need to get laid.
Anyway,
I don't care for the division of parts. It's distracting. Keep me going; don't give me starts and stops. The first stanza is a bit too like fluff for the rest of the poem- pretty, but unnecessary. I liked the intimacy of addressing "You", the use of repetition for emphasis, and adored the tone and your voice.

One more thing- was the switch from capitalization to lack therefore and back intentional? It seemed a little sloppy.

As you know, because you're sitting behind me, I'm laughing my ASS off. This is def. one of those pieces where a bit of insight into the mind of Gal becomes handy.

Anyway, on to the critique.
Part I:
YES: red rose haze....ooooh.... nice turn of phrase.
NO: I feel as if the word "mirrors" is unnecessary. I'd rather see an adjective-- I understand why you used "mirrors" but it's not doing anything for me. (Turn me on, baby!!!)

Part II:
NO:

And good intention
For your own good

Its important

You decide.

I'm confused. What exactly is the message meant in this? Or are there different messages in each section?