Young Writers Society

very well written! I loved it... no crit, sorry

very beatifull poem. a paper cuttout illustration of grotesque suffering. the rhythm was. heartfelt imagry, with a tang of resentment and salted with regret. it is alluring and off-putting at the same time. the piece was like a movie that portrays ugliness beautifully so that you can't look away.

I love seeing the part in chinese. the sound of the words fell right even though i don't know the language. very mature poem. thank you for posting.
i appologize for my odd review. i've only got one free hand to type with at the moment. i hope my admiration shows through.

--sabine.

Quoting Cars and Guitars- 'A lot of younger kids would get bored with this poem, but I wasn't.'

Hee...the eleven-year-old reads and enjoys. SO THERE! Although, I do have to agree with you on the boulevard of broken dreams thing (the best song in the universe). This whole poem had the same kind of aura to it, that kind of really sad but peaceful thing.I thought it was really good, Galatea! My only nitpick- the stuff in parentheses (centigrade) and such really bothers me for some reason when I write a poem. It just detracts from the flow, and it makes us stop and go 'Huh?' Ah well, that's all been said before. My grandma went to China last year, and this sounds something like some of the places she described. Of course, I've never been there, so i can't really say anything, but you can still read National Geographic and dream, right? Hee...good job. i really should read some more poetry if it's all this good.

How subtle the stench of broken dreams

Thanks Nate! What exactly did you disagree with? I didn't notice any of my theories on how westernization is destroying china in there...it's actually something I'd love to discuss with you. So few people are intelligent enought to get me these days. *SIGH* alas. There is, of course, a fabulous story behind this poem. One that is much too long to dictate here.

Okay, a bit of a re-write. I didn't change much. I read this aloud and stumbled over some of it, so now I know what to fix! Oh, and more of the poetry I wrote whilst in China to come!

How subtle the stench of broken dreams
paper-cut-out childhood phantasms
dying in the streets
Drifting through paradise
Don't eat the fruit without first peeling off
bitter rind full of dis-ease
God never warned us poor peoples
about peopling the world with poor peoples
Adam and Eve gave up everything to give us what price
freedom?
Stinking empty hovel homes lining packed-street-rivers
peddlers peddling peddlers peddling active passivism
how can you change it?
Green water pavement drifting garbage from all walks talking talk of renovation
Brand new sparklebright buildings building up piles of refuse
and people too poor to live in glass-haven-bird-cages
But not too poor to build them
Being built on ignorant fruit consuming God defying
Simple simple
The fee simple?
Oh.
Simple people too easily accepting beautiful streets
and broken streams washing clean in dirt
to what purpose?
Poor not in spirit but too poor to keep that spirit fed
preying on tourists bloody capitalist merchants
Little children dressed as dishclout begging
off plump blind eyes turning cheeks
not pocket books
Fifty degrees
(centigrade)
nothing to do but endure
Fanning back the sweat but the stink still lingers
Nothing to be done but beg big fat Buddha
for happy full belly next time
around
Grown ups not so grown because still small fingers
pick pockets in markets full of raw people meats out of work
Privatization profanity
Stealing wages
With no miracle Mao pro-proletariat
Marxist
bad Facist
or whatever
on the horizon
Falling along torrid turrets of lives washed away
Ever aware of how much want
Isn't mine

Wo zhidao zhe ge duo yao bu wo de . . .

Ni ai ni de jia ma?
Ni zui ai Zhongguo ma?

Zhen de.

Galatea wrote:*bump*

forgive me!!

*bump*

forgive me!!

Thanks Grimm, you're too good to me ^.^

I'm sure there are flaws, but it always helps to get outside opinions . . .

More more more more more more!!
(yeah, I'm not 4 or anything. . .)

If I were to have read this piece in a poetry anthology I would be suprised to hear that the one who wrote it is only 18 years old. It shows a intelligent, evocative, and thought provoking world view. And the Chinese at the end is a wonderful device. Perhaps there are flaws with the poem but to point them out the critic would need to be a better poet than myself. Wonderful work. Please keep it up. I love all of your poems though.

Translation:

Zhe ge duo yao bu wo de . . .

Ni ai ni de jia ma?
Ni zui ai Zhongguo ma?

Zhen de.

How much want isn't mine . . .

You love your home?
You love China the most?

Really.