Published December 28, 2005
Kill it.
~~~~~
Lights
Girl stands alone. Up, she looks to a noise.
No.
Lights up.
Boy stands with girl, center. He looks left, she looks right. They face one another.
He smiles.
She does not.
No.
Again.
Curtain up. Lights full.
NO.
Again.
Lights up, tentative. Silence.
An empty stage.
Enter boy, stage left. Girl, right. They look to each other.
Stop.
Consider.
Good.
Continue.
They look to each other. He smiles.
She does not.
Quick fade.
Lights up.
Girl enters from trap, laughing.
No.
Girl enters left, laughing.
NO!
Boy enters, laughing.
Special on boy, autumn gobo. Girl enters from trap. Frowning.
Good.
She speaks.
He starts. He is agitated.
No.
He laughs again.
Yes. Continue.
She smiles. Blackout.
Main rag down. Girl enters right, addresses audience.
Boy interrupts. They fight. He hits her.
No.
They fight. She slaps him.
No.
They fight. They make up. They kiss?
Sure.
They kiss. Music swells. They dance a waltz. Fade to black.
Main rag up. Lights up. They enter, hand in hand.
She is melancholy, he is despondent.
No.
She is melancholy, he is enjoying the stroll.
They sit center. He tickles her. They play. He grins. She frowns. Blackout.
Lights up. She is alone, center. Smiling.
No.
Again.
She is alone, down center. She cries.
Up, a noise draws her attention. She stands, an ancient ritual.
She moves to exit, right. A whistle off left. She addresses the audience.
Exit, stage left
Fade to black.
Good.
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140,548 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
wow, this is very impressive. good job, and a very different approach
She's right you know. There's nothing to fix, I loved it.
Impossible, sweetie
Featured poem?! *blushes*
Skye, I modified that metaphor at the end. I think it fits better now. You were right, it's a little too floaty for the frankness of the piece.
Thanks to everyone who replied. But seriously, tear it to bits.
I really enjoyed reading this...it's simple enough in the way it's written to be read with flow, but not in an immature way - it has a good mix of emotions...and..stuff....I really can't say much more about it, to be honest
Sorry! But I did really, really like this.
Very intresting, like how the narrator is alway changing their mind. It's just like human nature to never be satisfied. The style is very good. It was a little confusing but I liked it. I really don't have anything bad to say about it...
Very interesting, Gal. I'm not sure if you intended this as a metaphor or not, but the play seemed to double as the story of a relationship as well as working on a scene in a play. Things go well, but then they're not unfolding the way they were supposed to, so the actors have to try again.
The short lines and sentences were particularly effective, I think, because they show how quickly things move when you're rehearsing a play and it reminded me why I was always wiped after play practice when I still did community theater.
Very nice.
So it's a play. I finally understood what you wrote. It's kinda funny, ahaha
Mmmhmm. Lovely, darling. One thing that kind of stood out to me:
"Up, a noise draws her attention. She stands, as in an ancient ritual. "
That bit seems out of place, being a sole metaphor among plain description. I don't know, but it stuck out to me especially.
Other than that, this poem had me totally mesmerized me from start to finish. Wonderful!
Ooh I enjoyed that. I think perhaps I would've liked more ellaboration on "addresses the audience". But I just enjoyed the style.
I had to reread it to understand it better, but I did like it. It reminds me of that little play I did. XD The director just couldn't come up with what she wanted. Yeah... so good. And the ending looks fine.
I changed the end a little bit. Does that help, Misty? I was never satisfied with it myself.
I liked this a lot. I don't know...maybe it was just the feel of it. How you were always slashing and reprising and flxing it, making it change constantly. I didn't like the lines at the end. it was better without them, although it made for a strong ending...I don't know something was wrong with it.
I liked it but did not really understand. They don't want the girl to be happy? But the boy can be?
Oooo, Gal I really enjoyed this. Especially how I could see everything as if it was on stage. My favorite part was the girl's lines at the end. Bravo.
CL
Wow, I really liked this. It sounds like last years play. Everything was always changing and the teacher wouldeither shout good or bad at us.
.
I don't really have any corrections for you to make, I really enjoyed reading it however