I thought I'd acknowledge my birthday slightly differently this year. I've written two poems to celebrate my Chineseness (if there is such a word!) and me being sixteen.
The Tank Man
As the tide of green tanks
stared him down,
he dared not submit
to their unfaltering, untrue
chorus of silence.
No. Never.
A simply dressed fellow,
he held a stick in one hand
and a shopping bag in the other.
The stick screamed in defiance;
the machines struck out their tongues, hissing.
No one, nothing, would back down from this battle.
The clatter of cocked guns
failed to register in his brain.
His sole aim:
Bring the generals to their knees.
Have them plead
for mercy; hoist the white flag.
Only then can we consider this
a true Victory.
Sixteen
For my family and friends.
They say your life
flashes past as you
die. Throwing myself off
this cliff certainly seems like death.
Standing here, eyes shut,
I am afraid. I know I cannot stray
nervously along the cautious coastal path
any longer.
The waters below look dark, cold and
uninviting. Yet I feel that
you are here too. Not in body,
but in heart, soul and mind
you are here, here with me. And with your
trust, strength and belief in me I know I can make the leap;
achieve the Impossible. I am no longer
a boy; I am Sixteen.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The Tank Man
As the tide of green tanks
stared him down,
he dared not submit
to their unfaltering, untrue
chorus of silence.
No. Never. - Oooh.
A simply dressed fellow,
he held a stick in one hand
and a shopping bag in the other.
The stick screamed in defiance;
the machines struck out their tongues, hissing.
No one, nothing, would back down from this battle.
The clatter of cocked guns
failed to register in his brain.
His sole aim:
Bring the generals to their knees.
Have them plead
for mercy; hoist the white flag.
Only then can we consider this
a true Victory. - Wow. That was a really touching poem. About battle and to never ever give up. A true victory is something special indeed and I'm glad you portrayed that in such poetic way
Sixteen
For my family and friends.
They say your life
flashes past as you
die. Throwing myself off
this cliff certainly seems like death.
Standing here, eyes shut,
I am afraid. I know I cannot stray
nervously along the cautious coastal path
any longer.
The waters below look dark, cold and
uninviting. Yet I feel that
you are here too. Not in body,
but in heart, soul and mind
you are here, here with me. And with your
trust, strength and belief in me I know I can make the leap;
achieve the Impossible. I am no longer
a boy; I am Sixteen.
I don't get it much, but I like it . It was very meaningful but try not to mention lovers or people you love in the poem because its a little cliche. not that cliche is that bad, but you know what i mean. The poem was written beautifully I must say, and I really enjoyed reading it.
KEEP WRITING!
Happy birthday!
I think you could take off the last line, "No. Never." It's a good idea at first, those lines, but when reading the poem it breaks it up, it doesn't fit the flow. I also think it would be more beautiful to have a stanza break after "...chorus of silence" don't you agree?The Tank Man is beautiful. I like that one a lot more than sixteen, but I'll go into more depth so you understand why. Fist, some fixes!
The Tank Man
Same thing with this last line. It's good, but I think the poem would be more powerful without it. Because if you think about it, you're telling the reader what is going on, when it is obvious. The stick is in defiance. We understand in the next stanza that no one will back down, no matter what. Cut out the telling, everything else is much more beautiful.
Up until now you punctuate grammatically. Following that, the B in Bring should be lowercase.
I think this line would look better as:
Have them plead for mercy;
hoist the white flag.
That's my opinion though, so it is up to you.
I love the ending of this poem. That really is an amazing poem, I like it a lot. It says so much, and I can feel the atmosphere of it... I start getting senseless when I like something, haha.
Sixteen
Before this stanza, the poem wasn't so bad, but this is like a cliché party, especially with "dark, cold, and uninviting." It's usually "cold, dark, and uninviting something-or-other". Your word choice here needs to be improved. Personify the waters maybe, or use a metaphor. As to the "you are here too" that's also a bit cliché. Who is? Why are they there? What do they mean to you? Adding more of your own personally feelings to it will help it become something only you could have written.
The meaning behind this poem is good, but it just isn't as well written as the first one. It's more telling, no beautiful descriptions, no mood or imagery. I think you could do a lot better. It's also a cliché theme; everyone becomes a man eventually and sixteen is a big age. But it isn't bad to want to write a poem about something cliché, you just need to find your own personal way to present it. Like I said above, a way that makes it something only you could have written. That poem could be for any boy on his sixteenth birthday; why is it you?
Ah, but really! The Tank Man is amazing. Hah. If you have any questions, comments, or need help with something else feel free to PM me!