Young Writers Society

I hate to be negative with my reviews, but this could use a little work. It's not entirely poetic, and it's very choppy and lacks that natural flow that is necessary for good poetry (or at least the kind that you are attempting here). I think that you have an excellent premise for writing the story, but you should definatley build on what you have. Switch some lines around, ditch some, make up new ones, whatever floats your boat. With a little bit of work, this could be fantastic!

I must say that I agree with pegasi_quill. I'm not quite sure why you made this a poem...

I think this is a good outline for a story of fiction; no, no, no. Not a poem.

And yes, there were many, many awkward line breaks. I'm not too good with Narrative Poetry and such, but I can tell that the line breaks are a bit... off.

If you would like a better explanation, or a critique, or anything, PM me.

Best of Luck,
Monki

this is a very interesting poem. I like the fact that it isn't about the usual. The content is more interesting than the regular love stuff etc., and it was thoughtful. It felt like it could have happened.
I liked the quirkier bits. The bit about reading a book about writing was nice. I like things like that in poetry - probably making me seem more odd than poetical - and i also like the times that you cut off a phrase by putting it onto the next line. like a pause. a hesitation. it's a nice
effect.
(see what i did there? lol)
overall, i think that you should stick with the quirkiness. It works in a poem like this. the lack of rhyme and the shortness of it was fab. The only real criticism i have is that you might consider rethinking this stanza...
You writing something? he said.

Yes. I must go; I have

to meet someone;

sorry I can’t stay.

We parted.
it just seems very abrupt and a strange thing to say to a stranger who's simply asked if your writing something!

that's all, really. I like this poem though. It caught my eye.

best of luck.

A lot of people have already kicked you on what could be developed- e.g. It's a bit like prose, it could be developed structurally, show us more. Instead I'm going to tell you what I liked about this- because for some reason (my talent you may be saying-hehe) I really did like this! It sort of reminds me of a poet, but I don't know who- it could be Frost, who uses a really simple event and therefor drags the reader right in to like it. I'm not sure I can even describe fully why I was dragged in- but my favourite part was this:

I met a man

whose path I’d fallen into

the day before.

He was checking the football;

I was reading a book about writing.

I actually like the poetic license that you took in this poem. The line breaks, the lack of quotations...they seemed to have a purpose, and they didn't appear to be from laziness or anything.

Anyway, I have a couple suggestions:

I was reading a book about writing

You writing something? he said.
Yes. I must go; I have
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted.

Chap handed it in; don’t know
where he got it. Said a young lad
of about sixteen
might be looking for it.
Thanks all the same.

I haven’t seen him
since.

Gahks wrote:Strangers’ Meeting

It’s funny how
Fate works in That's twice in a row, and at the very beginning fo the poem, too, that you've messed up the line breaks. Look at the last word - "how" and "in". Those are the words which stick to the reader's mind, seeing as they are the last. Make these words effective, so that I want to read on, so that they end the line apporpiately
unfathomable ways.
Just a few days ago

I met a man
whose path I’d fallen into
the day before.
He was checking the football; What do you mean by this?
I was reading a book about writing. A book about writing? Sounds totally off, definately not something you'd throw into a poem like this.

You writing something? he said. Dude, what happened to speech marks?!
Yes. I must go; I have Awkward line break.
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted.

The next day,
I returned to the building.
Have you seen my book?
I asked the assistant.

This one? she called.
Yes. Where did you find it?
Chap handed it in; don’t know
where he got it. Said a young lad
of about sixteen
might be looking for it.
Thanks all the same.

I haven’t seen him Awkward line break.
since.

it seamed kind of choppy to me---did not really have much flow.
Your outline is good though (what it is about)- i really liked that!
try re-writing it again with the same outline, but letting it flow!
i hope i helped--sorry, sometimes i also make no sense
good luck!