Published June 20, 2008
Here it is! Can you spot the lone adjective?
Stranger
The wind breezed through the platform as Irene half-read the newspaper. She glanced at the board that hung above her. Minutes had to expire before the appointment arrived. Thoughts drifted from the wine she had drowned herself in while celebrating her sister’s wedding - an affair that called for an ability to drink as much as you could for as long as you could - to the slice of chocolate she had eaten for breakfast and the relentless tunnel of death that might envelop her son in Afghanistan – a tunnel that generations before him had swallowed wholeheartedly.
Her eyes caught a sliver of train. Irene threw the paper down and plunged into the tide of people that now massed the doors. London for you. She gripped the handlebar and felt the ground slide beneath her as the train whisked its cargo away into the netherworld.
She emerged from the darkness into the warmth of summer. Birds squawked songs of praise for the sun’s generosity; smells of grease and oil wafted from the cafes; a fountain whispered crackles of water. Her heels clicking against the pavement, she turned left and looked for a bar with that sign the concierge had mentioned over the phone. Yes, that’s it, she thought. This encouraged her: like a compass that had discovered north, she set her sights on her destination, which was meant to sit at the end of the road.
And as Irene had predicted, it lay where the street stopped and a crossroads replaced it. Finally, she had found it. At last, her journey could begin in earnest.
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hi, Gahks. I must say, I thought this was particularly good. Somewhat short and snappy, but still powerful for what it is. A good character study, if that was the intention, and I think you set the scene effectively. I can smell the smells, feel the breeze. One thing that slightly puts me off is your frequent use of short sentences. I'm all for varied sentence structure, but clearly this is not something face-paced, action packed or full of tension. Maybe you could consider that.
All in all - pretty damn good.
Hey Gahks!
Great piece of work here, I really liked it! This isn't a very useful critique, I just wanted to say that I found the elusive adjective, and on my first read-through too! It's 'relentless', right?
Again, great job!
-Sometimes-
I quite liked it. It was short, but it was interesting. What's the lone adjective? I can't spot it, although I'm not good at that sort of thing. Now, onto my critique.
I would get rid of breezed (is that the adjective?). It doesn't go with the rest of the story. Maybe moved?
I like this, but I don't like how you say minutes had to expire. I think it should be something like, Minutes would expire.
The end confused me a little. What's going on? Where is she? What is she doing?
But I like your writing, and I like this piece. It's very calm, ever when the train arrives. I like that.
Good job!
This was an interesting title. I didn't expect to be about a woman beginning a journey though. Is she trying to leave her old life behind? I hope you continue this because I'm curious as to what she's going to do. She seems like she has so much but isn't that enough to maker her stay. I don't see any grammatical errors but I think its a good start to a possibly great story.
Keep writing,
Angel