Published January 28, 2008
The Question
He struggles to oust
His writhing thought from mouth
Yet never succeeds.
The Dream
The film appears in
Front of your eyes, then starts to
Slowly fade away.
The Clock
Ticks relentlessly,
In pursuit of infinity,
Chimes on each hour.
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141,328 Literary Works • 674,349 Reviews
I liked it! It's better than anything that I could do!
Liked the second the best, then the third, then finally the first.
Your good my ols friend!
shanan-cat!
Hm, I found the first one rather difficult to deal with; but I think this is just 'cause I'm slow. The second line in it stumped me with the wording and the rhythm the most. The "mouth" part was the main thing of my confusion; I think you should follow Jasmine's advice.
Good work,
Your last two were very good and I loved the imagery that you infused into them. They were lovely and simple, but very complex when you think about it. I love Haikus because who ever thought you could fit something that powerful into so few lines. Oh, how philosophical of me.
GingerLove
Overall nice, though I didnt really like the second one. Found it a bit unoriginal and it was kind of static.
I found that a bit awkward but as Jasmine said you could change it to The writhing thought from his mouth.
What about
Ticks relentlessly,
in pursuing infinity.
Chimes on each hour.
It just didnt make a lot of sense with the comma, and yeah the syllables were off. But I'm not too sure, you'd need to twiddle around with it.
The first and third haikus are very good. I'd say "his mouth" in the second line, as you're a syllabyl short. In the second line of the thrid haiku, you're a syllabyl over. Maybe try "pursuing infinity."
The second one is a touch choppy, though you're syllabyls are perfect here...I'd try and make the second line more concrete in itself as at the moment it's very much dependant of the lines on either side of it.
Your imagery is good overall.
Hope this helps.
Jas