Soliloquy of an Unknown Soldier
How I longed for
the day I would see the sun
we always sang about
in this soulless hell.
Death wandered
these lonely ways,
stalked us
like a sickening syndrome,
blind to the inhumanity
that squelched, seethed
and sang its own pitiless praises.
When It finally erupted
from the earth,
its spirit tore out my spirit,
vapourised it; stripped it
naked of emotion, naked of existence;
reduced the laughter, the joy
and the Christmas cheer
to a carcass
rotting in the stone-faced sun.
This is but
a vain echo
of a man whose soul
the angels shroud in secrecy,
whose son the guns carried
singing to his grave.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree with Mad, there needs to be a bit more ... emphasis, somehow. We have all these horrific words and images, but they don't have time to settle in, because more are immediately crowding them aside. You know?
I loved the third stanza except for the line about Christmas; it seemed somehow jarring and false in a verse with such traumatic impact, though that may well have been the idea. The line "rotting in the stone-faced sun" is (IMHO) one of the best in the entire poem XD And your ending is powerful. The bits in between just need a little more oomph. Perhaps, as Mad suggests, a few more full stops would help in this regard. You could also try taking out a few of the images so that the reader isn't overcrowded. Less is more, and all that
Overall, a very evocative poem. Kudos.
Cheers,
~bubbles
With your first stanza, there definitely is something about the flow which is disconcerting - perhaps intentionally so. I suppose in part it is due to the fact that the whole stanza is enjambed. There isn't anything wrong with it in terms of punctuation but as a suggestion I would recommend using a full stop and perhaps reworking it, e.g.,
How I longed for
the day I would see the sun.
The sun we always
sang about in this soulless
hell.
That perhaps isn't a great alternative but the essentially I'm trying to say that if you use a full stop and break the sentence up it will have a short, final tone. I think that it would also compliment the interrupted structure.
I'm slightly unsure as to what is meant by "blind to the inhumanity". If here you are referring to the deeds that occur here, killing etc., it would almost be better to say, "blind to the humanity that ..."
Also, I think that "own" in, "its own pitiless praises" is redundant.
Here, it goes back to what I mentioned early with the first stanza, I think you need to use some full stops. Forcibly halt things. Make your reader pause and have to consider what is happening because at the moment it all continues, there isn't the same pause for consideration.
I'm not so keen on the "naked of emotion, naked of existence". It is a strong phrase, a powerful phrase but I feel it is just told and would be more effective shown in a similar image as the carcass rotting in the sun, which the stanza ends upon. The imagery at this point is lacking. Nakedness could be easily embodied in something - what springs to my mind is a baby - and when described in such a way would be more potent. Strength of emotion is what you are going for and imagery will be most effective in allowing your reader to feel that strongly.
With the final stanza, I don't have much to say except full stops would make it stronger. Sorry to bring that up repeatedly.
I thought it was good. With more imagery it could be much better and play around with the punctuation. The full stop idea might just be me but maybe you'll take a look at it and see how it can be effective.
I really love this. I like the literary devices and in general just the imagery. I love the personification and the images you get from:
"Death wandered
these lonely ways,
stalked us
like a sickening syndrome,
blind to the inhumanity
that squelched, seethed
and sang its own pitiless praises."
There are other great sections in this piece also, but this one just stuck out to me. This is a great, heartfelt piece of writing, and I think that you did an excellent job with it.
Wow.
This is very deep, and very heartfelt indeed. You've managed this very well, and I have to say it's probably the best war poem I've read on here- probably. A few things in my opinion could be changed.
The first stanza's flow is hard to comprehend:
A possible re-work could be:
Leave the last line in my opinion. By giving the reader less you are in turn giving them more. We know already by the lines 'How I long' that you are far away from happiness and the normality of life. Don't tell us anymore just yet.
Now- this would be better if you didn't tell as much. Here we face a problem because I think telling the reader that Death stalked you is too much. I would use something else to represent it to make the meaning more stronger. But be careful. It is a catch 22 situation if you try to hard to make it obvious- like presenting it as a dark cloud or something, but it is also going to be just as hard for the reader to feel touched if you make it too abstract. Think about what Death means to you. Something to trigger this could be the physical characteristics it brings out- sweating, uncontrollable crying- some people even laugh at terrible things. Just think of a better metaphor.
I like the alliteration of 'sickening syndrome' but I think you went on a bit far. Also, I wouldn't represent death as 'singing' it's praises. The men sang. There is a colossal difference between the two. I would have death 'crying' or 'whispering' its praises.
This is a very good stanza, but give it the advantage of having a readable structure. I liked the imagery of death or bombs or whatever erupting from the earth- great. The reference to Christmas is also good, but I would use imagery like 'dimming the glowing cheers of Christmas' or something. You don't have to, though. Just a suggestion.
The end is quite strong, but the key is to make this part simple yet shocking. Sum up everything that you wanted to say without over-complicating it with 'shroud in secrecy'- although I can't fault you too much on that because it's good. 'Singing' is good, but it's slightly over-used and I think a 'lullaby to his grave' would be better as it implies that the man is going to sleep yet uses dramatic irony of the fact that gun shots are anything but gentle. All in all, I would rate this very highly indeed. I'm thoroughly impressed.
Hope my suggestions help,
Eimear