z

Young Writers Society



Past Imperfect

by Gahks


Past Imperfect

The train with its granite-grey carriages rattled above as Luke strode down the pavement, his father’s hand steering him from behind. Graffiti whispered innuendos across the walls of the bridge; the light beyond remained a dot in the abyss.

“How long will this take?” he asked.

“I just want you to see this,” his shepherd replied.

They emerged out of the darkness and into the rest of the street. Silence hung in the air: a suffocating vapour that stalked the squawking birds, the churning machinery in the distance and the humming boats that drifted blindly out on the river. Leaves succumbed to the wind and began their twisted dance. The skeletons of buildings remained unmoved, grim mausoleums to the turmoil that had besieged this part of town, and cast their shadows over the pair. Luke shivered.

Wending their way past the burnt-out coffins of cars, smashed windows and smouldering rubble, they arrived at their destination, a shell whose spirit the tragedy had long sucked away.

As they passed through the entrance, their eyes fell upon a mass of chrome and glass. A chandelier gleamed above. Pictures depicting dead memories of Mediterranean villas, beach paradises and spectacular breaking waves adorned the walls. They paused, gazing at the wonders he had never before encountered, if only in two dimensions.

A receptionist rose from behind its desk. “Please identify yourselves.”

“Samuel and Luke Shepard,” the older man replied. The employee punched some keys on a keyboard.

“Who will you see today?”

“Miles Drayton,” Samuel answered.

It tapped some more keys. “Your arrival has been confirmed. Mr. Drayton will see you now.”

A pair of doors slid open. The receptionist directed Samuel and Luke inside; the chamber ferried them to the basement below. When the correct floor emerged, the two figures stood before a balding, bespectacled man in a white coat. He introduced himself as the man they had come to visit.

“Nice to meet you both,” he said with the faintest of smiles.

“This is Luke,” Samuel indicated.

The gentleman tried to manage a widening grin. “Hello, Luke. I’m Mr. Drayton. How are you?”

He offered his wrinkled hand; a cold glare met his gesture.

The boy’s father defended him. “He has these episodes every now and again. It’s his birthday today.”

“How appropriate. How old is the child?”

“Seventeen.”

“He must enlist in the armed forces soon. Such an awful world out there… in my opinion, an abomination. You young men ought to do something about it… but please, do follow me.”

Drayton led his visitors as two gargoyles peered at the aliens, their dead eyes wide with discontent. Through the archway a long, narrow vault lay before them, with rows of square doors that dug themselves into the creaking rock. Luke felt a sliver of water run down his back. He looked up, trying to find the source of the disturbance, only to meet another statue, its wings spread across the stone as if to pounce. He stepped back, startled, before striding on to keep up with the others.

Mr. Drayton continued to lecture the boy’s mentor. "Do not fret… it is all very safe... you should not be concerned at all… Ah, Luke. This is what you came here for?”

His patient looked bewildered. “What was I meant to come here for?”

The man returned his blank expression. “Your father has not told you?”

“Told me what? What should he have told me? What was he -?”

One of the doors hissed open. A blanketed body faced the young man. Mr. Drayton lifted the sheet. Luke’s speech had left his soul. He simply stared at it.

It appeared to be a young male, no older than the boy himself. His blond, closely cropped hair, his blue eyes, even his acne, seemed identical to the person examining his features. His frozen eyes gazed skywards, right into Luke’s own. The boy grasped his head and caressed his skin. Thoughts of the past that might have lain before him ran through his mind. Did he enjoy fishing, swimming, modelling and football like he did? Did he once own the bedroom that he now claimed for himself? Did he explore the same junk-filled wastelands that he did, eat the same food, share the same fears? Most importantly, who was he?

His father put this question to him. He asserted that the dead boy was his identical twin.

“No,” Drayton refuted. “He is much more than that. He – and you – represent a new dawn in science.”

He froze. Then, half-sprinting, half-wailing, he burst out of the room. His father had hinted at the accident that his twin died in – or so he said. His parents should have told him earlier. Told him when he was born, in fact. They should have told him the absolute truth. He had given up his birthday for this: the truth that he had lived seventeen years of his life blissfully unaware of, the awful reality that governed his entire existence. He stampeded out of the building and away to the only place he knew he could be safe.

He wished he hadn’t gone. Little did he know that he would soon join his twin on that slab.


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Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:20 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Gahks! Stella here! Out of my choice, I picked this one, because I can't do poetry and it had a cool title :D

Your grammar doesn't need much attending to, which is a relief. So it's all style. Yays!

Right so.

I. NITPICKS

(Just one for the time being.

They paused, gazing at the wonders he had never before encountered, if only in two dimensions.


You change subject in the middle of this sentence, and it doesn't make much sense. Did he see them in two dimensions or didn't he?

II. IMAGERY

Doesn't need attending to, I just wanted to mention how flipping cool it was! You are a boy of beautiful ideas. The idea of the graffiti whispering its message was lovely.

III. CHARACTERS

Well, Luke, mostly.

Why is modelling in his interests? Really. It just doesn't seem like a typical seventeen year old boy would be interested in all the normal things... and modelling. I don't know. Maybe they can be. I couldn't tell you. I just thought it was strange is all.

I was interested in his "episodes." What do you mean by this?

Luke himself seemed well developed to me, quiet, happy to oblige is father, confused at his world being flipped upside down. I'm interested in the father himself too. Who is he? Why has he kept this secret from his son? I'll want to know more. I think the father could use a bit more filling out. As could the mysterious Mr. Drayton.


IV. ENDING

As Suzanne says, it's rather clichéed. Perhaps you could find a better way to put it.

Sorry this is so short, I really don't have much else to say.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x




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Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:43 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hello, Gahks...I don't think we have met before...

This, I guess, will be my first review of your work so, here I go!

[all I did was copy/paste your story and put all my suggested corrections in bold]


The train with its granite-grey carriages rattled above as Luke strode down the pavement, his father’s hand steering him from behind. Graffiti whispered innuendos across the walls of the bridge; the light beyond remained a dot in the abyss.

“How long will this take?” he asked.

“I just want you to see this,” his shepherd replied.

They emerged out of the darkness and into the rest of the street. Silence hung in the air: a suffocating vapour that stalked the squawking birds, the churning machinery in the distance and the humming boats that drifted blindly out on the river. Leaves succumbed to the wind and began their twisted dance. The skeletons of buildings remained unmoved, grim mausoleums to the turmoil that had besieged this part of town, and cast their shadows over the pair. [instead of ",and cast" I think you could change it to "casting" so it would read: ...grim mausoleums to the turmoil that had besieged this part of town, casting their shadows over the pair.. It would flow better that way.Luke shivered.

Wending their way past the burnt-out coffins of cars, smashed windows and smouldering rubble, they arrived at their destination, a shell whose spirit the tragedy had long sucked away.

As they passed through the entrance, their eyes fell upon a mass of chrome and glass. A chandelier gleamed above. Pictures depicting dead memories of Mediterranean villas, beach paradises and spectacular breaking waves adorned the walls. They paused, gazing at the wonders he had never before encountered, if only in two dimensions.

A receptionist rose from behind its desk. “Please identify yourselves.”

“Samuel and Luke Shepard,” the older man replied. The employee punched some keys on a keyboard.

“Who will you see today?”

“Miles Drayton,” Samuel answered.

It tapped some more keys. “Your arrival has been confirmed. Mr. Drayton will see you now.”

A pair of doors slid open. The receptionist directed Samuel and Luke inside; the chamber ferried them to the basement below. When the correct floor emerged, the two figures stood before a balding, bespectacled man in a white coat. He introduced himself as the man they had come to visit.

“Nice to meet you both,” he said with the faintest of smiles.

“This is Luke,” Samuel indicated.

The gentleman tried to manage a widening grin. “Hello, Luke. I’m Mr. Drayton. How are you?”

He offered his wrinkled hand; a cold glare met his gesture.

The boy’s father defended him. “He has these episodes every now and again. It’s his birthday today.”

“How appropriate. How old is the child?”

“Seventeen.”

“He must enlist in the armed forces soon. Such an awful world out there… in my opinion, an abomination. You young men ought to do something about it… but please, do follow me.”

Drayton led his visitors as two gargoyles peered at the aliens, their dead eyes wide with discontent. Through the archway [comma] a long, narrow vault lay before them, with rows of square doors that dug themselves into the creaking rock. Luke felt a sliver of water run down his back. He looked up, trying to find the source of the disturbance, only to meet another statue, its wings spread across the stone as if to pounce. He stepped back, startled, before striding on to keep up with the others.

Mr. Drayton continued to lecture the boy’s mentor. "Do not fret… it is all very safe... you should not be concerned at all… Ah, Luke. This is what you came here for?”

His patient looked bewildered. “What was I meant to come here for?”

The man returned his blank expression. “Your father has not told you?”

“Told me what? What should he have told me? What was he -?”

One of the doors hissed open. A blanketed body faced the young man. Mr. Drayton lifted the sheet. Luke’s speech had left his soul. He simply stared at it.

It appeared to be a young male, no older than the boy himself. His blond, closely cropped hair, his blue eyes, even his acne, seemed identical to the person examining his features. His frozen eyes gazed skywards, right into Luke’s own. The boy grasped his head and caressed his skin. Thoughts of the past that might have lain before him ran through his mind. Did he enjoy fishing, swimming, modelling and football like he did? Did he once own the bedroom that he now claimed for himself? Did he explore the same junk-filled wastelands that he did, eat the same food, share the same fears? Most importantly, who was he?

His father put this question to him. He asserted that the dead boy was his identical twin.

“No,” Drayton refuted. “He is much more than that. He – and you – represent a new dawn in science.”

He froze. Then, half-sprinting, half-wailing, he burst out of the room. His father had hinted at the accident that his twin died in – or so he said. His parents should have told him earlier. Told him when he was born, in fact. They should have told him the absolute truth. He had given up his birthday for this: the truth that he had lived seventeen years of his life blissfully unaware of, the awful reality that governed his entire existence. He stampeded out of the building and away to the only place he knew he could be safe.

He wished he hadn’t gone. Little did he know that he would soon join his twin on that slab.

Umm, this was simply AMAZING! Your imagery is UNREAL! Everything you describe is so detailed and precise that I sometime had to stop and just reread the sentence, marveling at the perfect language you wrote in.

Wonderful job!

I only made like two corrections above so no worries! I will definetly keep my eyes peeled for more of your work! :wink:




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Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:53 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



The train [comma] with its granite-grey carriages [comma] rattled above as Luke strode down the pavement, his father’s hand steering him from behind.


Graffiti whispered innuendos across the walls of the bridge
I adore this.

“How long will this take?” [s]he[/s] Luke asked.
otherwise, we do not know who is speaking.

the churning machinery in the distance [comma] and the humming boats that drifted blindly out on the river


the burnt-out coffins of cars,
Again, I adore this.

a shell whose spirit the tragedy had long sucked away.
This sounds a little awkward. I think it's because you're referring to "the tragedy" but I don't know what that is, so it's just...strange.

They paused, gazing at the wonders he had never before encountered, if only in two dimensions.
Your shift in subjects makes this bizarre, and I am also confused about what you are talking about, just a bit.

A receptionist rose from behind its desk.
I think you're trying to signify the neutrality of the receptionist, but this sounds strange.

The employee [s]punched[/s] tapped some keys on a keyboard.
Punched sounds strange, and tapped goes parallel with the next line.

“This is Luke,” Samuel indicated.
This is an awkward dialogue tag.

Drayton led his visitors as two gargoyles peered at the aliens, their dead eyes wide with discontent.
The first phrase sounds awkward. I can't tell if it is because I want to change "as" to "while" or what.

His father put this question to him. He asserted that the dead boy was his identical twin.
Do this through dialogue - it looks strange as is.

He froze. Then, half-sprinting, half-wailing, he burst out of the room. His father had hinted at the accident that his twin died in – or so he said. His parents should have told him earlier. Told him when he was born, in fact. They should have told him the absolute truth. He had given up his birthday for this: the truth that he had lived seventeen years of his life blissfully unaware of, the awful reality that governed his entire existence. He stampeded out of the building and away to the only place he knew he could be safe.
This comes off as somewhat melodramatic, and because you don't say how he died, the accident [unless I missed something] it's also disappointing.

Little did he know that he would soon join his twin on that slab.
"Little did he know" is cliché, and should I expect more?


You have a great mastery of detail, and I love it, but this was lacking in some places. It took me a little while to figure it out, but then I got it. Your characters, they're too lifeless. They're just there, existing, for the plot. I can't see how anything around them affects them, I can't see the story through their filter, and it makes me not care about them. And if I don't care about the characters, I may not want to read, either. They need more characterization. When you said he was seventeen, I couldn't believe it. From what little I gained of him, I couldn't tell, but assumed he was younger. Make your character's real people, not just props to tell your story.

Your title initial interested me, because I'm a language nerd more than anything, and past imperfect is a tense, haha. You do have great details, but I think if you filtered it through your characters and made them more lively it would be so much better. As is, your voice is robotic, and dry. Almost boring, if it weren't for the beautiful details you give.

Hope this helped! PM if you have any questions.





sometimes i don't consider myself a poet but then i remember that i literally write poetry
— chikara