Lament of a War Widow
Late yesterday,
the guns sent you to sleep
my love.
The birds are not singing today.
The house lies still in safe slumber.
I sip tea, staring at your photograph,
a vain ghost of the man I once adored.
It is Sunday.
I take the cage from your room
and slip out soundless, closing the door.
The street speaks of our grief.
The trees stand stone silent
in salute. Leaves lie scattered
across the pavement. The wind here is powerless.
I drive the red Mini out to the bridge
where we met in secret, my love.
The cage sits in the back seat;
the birds rejoice in the morning yellow.
You spent hours cooing and coaxing
Charlie and Alex;
I am grateful for the company they gave you.
The wind is so cold out by the river;
the air has turned an indifferent grey.
Clouds shed soft tears.
Remember when we first kissed
here on the bridge, my love?
You proposed to sing my favourite song:
“The Rose.” You murdered it.
The morning grows late.
It hurts me to think of what your
bright blue eyes endured in those
final moments.
I take the cage from the car,
open the door,
and cast the birds
into the sky.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I lovvvveeeeddddd it!!!!i would never be able to come up with something as beautiful as that !!! i really loved the ending
kinda made me wanna cryi really do think that this is a brilliant poem. i love war poetry. it's my favourite type, and you did it well.
firstly, i think that the introduction of names is a little off-putting. It threw me off when i was getting into the poem, and suddenly started wondering who you meant. You don't have to, by any means, but perhaps consider taking the names out.
Also (this is just something i thought might work, but isn't necessary) at the start of the second stanza, you might consider changing 'the birds' to 'your birds'. As it is, that line sounds unnecessarily cliche, as the reader doesn't know yet that 'the birds' is refering to two birds in particular. 'You birds' is just a suggestion. It might help.
that's all i could bear to change. i think it's beautiful, and if you have any other stuff like this, please PM me, because i would adore to read it, even if i can only give a rubbish review!
thanks.
OMG! I love this I mean usually I have more to say than OMG! But right now I'm breathless... This was really good I mean just the way everything was explained I love the first verse. It was a good start to a good poem, I liked the ending, very good in closing. Hope to hear more from you soon, good luck and keep writing.
-Max
Hey Gahks!
I loved this piece, I thought it was very effective and a very deep topic you chose. Rarely do I see down-to-earth, modern poetry.
Adverb
The alliteration here slows down the pace, I think it's the 'T's that stop the sibilance, although a nice idea.
That was my favourite part, a very emotive ending.
I have only a few troubles with this. For one, I think that unless we knew you were talking about Afghanistan, I wouldn't have had a clue. Remember that in poetry, we are still telling a story, but with imagery to guide us instead. We need a bit of background, maybe say something like: you would sing to me of your times in the tarnished ashes or a better example than that!
Great job!
Wow, very nice poem. It was so moving. I loved it!
Emotional lines.
Haha. This makes the poem have some happy thoughts in it.
I loved this poem! Keep writing!
Becca
That was very moving. I loved how you chose you words.
This was my favorite part. I liked how it sounded when I recited it.
This was really good!
Keep it up!
Paw