Karaoke Blues
The world has lost
the oppressive shadow of the sun:
tonight, we shelter our lives
in warm mellow music. Our music.
We release the violet fire
that burns within, redolent with passion,
in bitter tears tinged with the raw blue notes
of an artificial piano. The pitch matches perfectly.
And our voices dance in vivid whirlpools:
we forget for an instant
the violent torrents of the usual
nine-to-five shift, lost instead
in the swirling heat of naked summer starlight.
Our eyes chase each other into the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! Peanut here! Let's go over this;
I would separate this into two lines. 'Our music' seems dramatic enough to be a whole other line.
I would also make this two lines. It make it flow a bit more smoothly.
I would never, ever start a line with 'and' or 'but'. I tell everyone whom I critique that fact! So, it is not just you. There are plenty of words that could go in the space of 'and' or 'but'. I'm not saying not to use them, just don't put them at the beginning of a sentence/ line/ stanza/ paragraph!
In this case, you do not need to replace the 'and'. Just do this;
Our voices dance in vivid whirlpools:
and we forget for an instant
See? 'and' is no longer at the beginning of the line, and it makes it look better!
All-in-all, great job. This is spectacular and I hope I get to see more poetry from you!
[spoiler]9/10 move that 'and' like I suggested and your poem will have a 10 from me
I really thoroughly enjoyed this poem especially the small descriptions like "violet fire". It was perfect and the punctuation worked very well as did the structure for the words themselves.
My favourite line was
[spoiler]9/10[/spoiler]