Published May 11, 2009
Island Tide
Evening wraps us in midsummer mist
As it rolls into the shore from beneath placid waters,
The sun still drawing its last fiery breath.
Your face lies there, cradled in my lap,
Meditating, radiating a misted tropical glow,
Eyes blazing with the sharp blue fire of the sky.
The tide strikes a note in sure-faced rocks.
You pause, look up. The lie of your body
Is the lie of the land: slender, wild, a seascape wrapped
In the contours of our existence. You reach out
And touch my hand, your voice cradling a whisper from the deep,
A wisp of truth spiralling from your lips. The sun slinks
Back into its twilight shelter, and for a moment
Earth balances on the edge of the night.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Hey Gahks! Juniper here!
=] You've got quite a review from Galeri as well as Hannah; I'll just stick with my overall thoughts.
I truly like the mood of this; it was pretty calm and creative (all though there were some words that didn't quite fit well here). I like the imagery you used here; very serene and peaceful.
However, the "face cradled in lap" sounds strangely awkward, and I'm not sure why? Perhaps it should be head, because, when I first read this, I was thinking of a face-- and a face alone, eyes, nose, mouth and everything in between-- with no head. Maybe I'm just going crazy?
One thing I want to point out is your capitalization! Capitalizing is good-- sometimes. Here, I don't think it necessary for you to capitalize every line. Rather, you can capitalize the words that start a sentence (those preceded by periods) and keep the rest lowercase.
You've got a pretty decent poem here, dear. Keep up the nice work.
Juniper
Hey, Gahks. Sorry it took me so long to get to this. >_<;
I. Little Things
Well, maybe this is just me, but I think that during this poem you used a lot of adjectives that were not necessarily as powerful as they could be. First of all, if the sun is drawing its last breath, will we even care whether it is fiery or not? Secondly, can the ocean ever really be 'placid'? I mean, if it were a harbor or something. But even then, does it really matter that the water is placid? :]
Also, here, the misted gives a pretty good image, I suppose. Like the misted sort of sweat you get, but how can a glow /really/ be tropical? It gives a very vague description and I think you can attempt to get specific with it. xD Misted is even good on its own. ^___^
I thought this part was cool if it was intentional. I know the phrase 'lay of the land', but obviously, that's not what you used. Did you mean to use the word 'lie' to implicate some sort of falsehood here? If not, I think you might want to consider reworking this. :]
>_< I dooooo not like the phrase 'twilight shelter'. It seems like a primitive sort of image of the sun going into a house until it comes back out the next day. The last line is so pretty and delicate that this one just kind of ruins the end for me. >_< I would consider rewriting that, please, using some more balancing imagery or something. =D
II. Overall
Though many of the words are nice, the fact is that the image that it gives off is very simple. What I get is two people laying on the shore together, telling their secrets, and paralleling the Earth by balancing between two states. This is a beautiful, simple image, and I think that you, also, are balancing between going overboard with the lushness of the description and keeping it simply powerful.
Take out some of the unnecessary adjectives and let the poem rest on the solid words and it will be better for it. =]
-Hannah-
Why bother telling the reader that the sun is fiery? Anyone who looks up at the sky can see that without having to undergo an imagery synthesis. Take that word out, make it shine with its subtle simplicity.
If you're cradling something in your lap, I do not imagine that object to "lay" on the ground. It sounds limp. For parallelism's sake, alter it (of course, this is subjective and if you get a better image from it than I did, go ahead and keep it but realize that feelings will be mixed).
Again, the piece suffers from basic adjectives that have just been stapled on the beginnings of every object that needs to be shown. Take out "sharp".
Good ending, and the only problem is that you capitalize the beginning of every line for some reason. This isn't a traditional poem - it doesn't fall into the patterns of any known type, made clear by the uneven number of syllables - so I do not see why you'd need to capitalize like that. This is an organic poem, flowing and breathing between every few words, so don't stunt it by artificially stopping and starting the reader's thought process by putting in capital letters on every line. Again, subjective, because there is considerable debate over this, but it would make your poem flow much better. Only capitalize when needed.
Overall, the mood of this was pleasant but the word choice is your main enemy. A clear theme rings within this poem and all of the transitions are put in the right places. Good job.
Hope that helped.