Published April 29, 2008
Fragments
[pre]Framed within precise dimensions,
that fragment,
immortalised for all eternity,
morphs into
a time when we
could not care less
about the way we looked or felt,
but
soon the last vestiges that I retain
of the golden glory,
the luxury that we once shared
will soon disappear, evaporate away,
fragment.[/pre]
P.S. Authority people! 'Pre' is playing up! Help!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,568 Literary Works • 672,610 Reviews
I like this. Mostly because I like the word "fragment". I use it alot in my writing. Your poem looks incomplete, which really made it look nice, considering it's title. Good work.
Hey Gahks!
I've always seen you around, yet I've never gotten the chance to review anything from you. I guess today is my lucky day!
I really can't give anything constructive (that hasn't been said)... This was scrambled and odd, but in a good way. It's interesting and it grabbed my attention from the start. They way you structured it kept my attention 'til the end. Well done.
I guess you'll be getting another gold star!
Hi!
It sounds good to read. I mean the words you've
used to express you imagination are quite meaningful.
soon the last vestiges that I retain
of the golden glory,
the luxury that we once shared
will soon disappear, evaporate away
Particulayly these are the lines that give your poem
meaning and feel. But having said that I think the last
part sounds out of flow with the way the writing progresses.
It is too quick a change of mood. That's just my opinion.
Hope you take it constructively.
Regards,
Ankit
Wow, I really, really liked this. I love the line "framed within precise dimensions". I really liked the way to flowed, but I prefer the way Aedomir set it out above.
Also...
I think this would flow better if you got rid of the word away, and instead just had "will soon disappear, evaporate, fragment." Or after 'evaporate' have a full stop.
Just my thoughts. I really liked this!
yeah... it's somehow messed up... will try and fix.
Hi man! Since I can't actually read the poem how you set it out, I will separate it to how best I think it should go:
I would say:
Framed within precise dimensions,
that fragment,
immortalised for all eternity,
morphs into a time when we
could not care less
about the way we looked or felt,
but soon the last vestiges that I retain
of the golden glory,
the luxury that we once shared
will soon disappear, evaporate away, fragment.
------
I won't review the structure therefore
Anyway, regardless of the structure, is was all one long sentence. Commas were all over the place, try some semicolons, colons, periods etc.
This was a strong piece, but only up to the point where I was confused about what was going on.
If something is immortal, either way it will be around for eternity, right? And vice versa - this is unnecessary. There is no need to pack us with words that could quite easily be framed as one: immortal.
I loved the ending, but I would recommend a slight alteration:
That last bit should be a simile, since it doesn't relate as much as it stands, the words are a bit unconnected.
"will soon disappear,
evaporate away,
like a fragment."
Or to that idea. The imagery here, as I have touched on above, was lacking. The sentences were powerful, and so perhaps you will question if such metaphors etc are needed. No need to go over the top, but I think you should offer us more of a reason to understand this poem, just simple similes can have great effects.
Best of luck,
Mark
I love it...
Fragments, wow such a cool title and your poem really depicted it quite clearly (you're poem is even fragmented.)
Man that was good. You've clearly epitomised the whole (excuse the pun) idea of fragments in a disjointed way. I liked it.
Eimear
Wow, I loved your line breaks. They flowed so perfectly and the start of each stanza couldn't have been better.
*clicks gold star*
Well done. :]
I like how you didn't end each line like the end of a sentence. Like you put "morphs into" as a line and then moved onto a new sentence, then you put "but" as a line then moved on to a new sentence.
I hope that made sense haha but it made me want to keep reading because I wanted to know how you were going to finish that thought. I liked it
Wow, I really enjoyed the wispy flow of this poem. And while sometimes it's difficult to make appropriate line breaks, I thought you did a pretty good job and breaking it up and allowing for a smooth, readable piece.
I liked the subject, too. it's like the tragic loss of a memory...
very nice :]
s
It was a scrambled piece...but that was what made it special, I suppose. Very frantic, very cryptic. It's stuff like this I enjoy reading.