Published October 24, 2008
Cradling our hearts
in each other’s minds,
we listen to the waves
as they whistle, swell,
then draw away.
Deep blue dissolves the sands of time
that run through her hair.
I cast my thoughts
into the ocean,
gathering memories
of distant shores
that spoke of lush green desires
amid greying fields.
The water swamps my mind
in the wash of sunset,
as our hearts carry careless hopes
in a cradle of dreams.
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141,310 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
I quite enjoyed this one. It's really interesting and has a lot of good imagery. The only thing is:
[[Deep blue dissolves the sands of time
that run through her hair.
I cast my thoughts
into the ocean,
gathering memories
(I thought it would be better if you did not put any spaces here)
of distant shores
that spoke of lush green desires
amid greying fields.
The water swamps my mind
in the wash of sunset,
(This part is fine)
as our hearts carry careless hopes
in a cradle of dreams.]]
Overall, great work! Keep it up!
I like this one a lot. Good job!
'of distant shores
that spoke of lush green desires
amid greying fields.
The water swamps my mind
in the wash of sunset,'
I don't really like how this part got cut off, but I still love your poem. It's amazing!
good contrast in the first line, hearts and minds go together and youve put them together as one holds an object, which i must admit is disturbing and interesting at the same time.
last line was a downer, i was expecting it to stop with something more than a whimper. "then draw away"...okay, not tell me how that happened, why its relevant, or at least what made the swishing of the twilight waves crawling across the darkened sand so poignant to you. yes, its only one line, but its an important line because it closes off your first stanza.
cliche alert! sands of time has been used approximately 32328923 times so far, dont increase that number by one more. use an original phrase.
sand runs through hair...is she an ostrich sticking her head in the dunes? i think you havent really worked out the imagery of this stanza. go over it again.
ah, a fishing rod/net metaphor, clever. but the last line again is disappointing because gathering is such an easy verb, a passive verb. do you gather fish? no, you drag them from the water, snap them out of their homes, etc. if your using a net, you still drag them, not just "gather". use a more striking way to describe this.
including fields randomly in the middle of an aquatic metaphor just doesnt work. sorry. delete it.
this is good but i'm a bit unnerved because it came right after you suddenly switched gears after briefly going into a field analogy.
repeating the first line, full close, good.
in general: nothing more to say besides my edits. you have some major holes here, but patch them up and this poem will be decent.
i love this one
but some things i dont understand
by the way i love our pictutre
so yeah im not very good at crditing
so other then that good job
Good job. you did very well. but you know that not all songs dont have to rhyme but have to make sense. i will not critique this because you did both. and it does not need correcting. if you need any tips or pointers on how to write anything i will be here.i am an enormous writer and reader. anyways i dont want to get off track so anyways you did an awesomely awesome job.lol. keep up the good work.
-midnightsun10135