Broken Light

that streaks my conscience.
We used to sit here and long at the stars:
consider their pretensions,
marvel at their aloofness.
We knew their destiny lay in ours.

Our what? I could probably figure it out if I think about it hard enough, but I shouldn't have to. Aloofness, I assume.

This is well-written, good imagery as always, but it doesn't seem to reach a climax. The ending sounds good, but I suppose it's all speculation, which is fine, it just lacks a little oomph at the end. I don't feel as if I'm being very helpful because I don't have much else to say - only that you're very good at description and imagery, but, reading above, I wouldn't have known it was about doubt if adrian hadn't said so.

Yeah, I know what you mean. *buries head in hands*

This will need yet more work.

Hmmm .... I can't quite put my finger on it, but this poem seems odd and boring to me.

In comparison to the last poem I critiqued of yours, this seems so ambiguous.

You've filled this poem with a "mush" of adjectives and vivid verbs that I can't tell what's what.

In fact, if you hadn't told me it was about doubt, I'd be in the dark.

I honestly have no critique for this. Not to say that it is perfect, but I feel as if this were driven nicely and well organized. However, for or some reason, with this stanza:

"I wanted to forge the destiny

that I had sketched for us both;

to break the sculpture of her youth,

draw my desires through the yellow canvas

of her curvatures. "


I would like to see it in either absolute past tense or absolute future sense, and preferably future. Such as:


"I want to forge the destiny

that I had sketched for us both;

to break the sculpture of her youth,

draw my desires through the yellow canvas

of her curvatures. "

Considering the remainder of the poem is written in future tense, I think the notion would be clearer. However, if you were trying to create somewhat of a binary effect (stanza 5 WAS what I wanted, stanza 6 is what IS going to happen), then I would go with absolute past tense.

Also, I would suggest getting a little more creative with your word usage. Words like desire, destiny, and breaking are so often used in bad poetry, in decent poetry (such as 'Broken Light'), they can still have connotations associated with a lack of originality. You used this concept in this particular line:

"We used to sit here and long at the stars: "

Instead of saying "look at the stars," you used long. More of that, more of that! It may take a look or two in a thesaurus but you're perfectly capable of it.

Other than that, it was a good read, you have a mind for imagery surely. I feel as the title may have been slightly cliche, but the poem itself made up for it. Overall, good work.

Gahks wrote:Broken Light

The sun’s fingers break
the glassy vista that billows skywards
and lights her ghostly eyes, Great
as they follow mine
with the tenderness of lost years.

She haunts the crumbling frame
of this fountain, in this life,
as an anachronistic smell, drawn from That word is too scientific for that verse
the scent that sculpted her, Great
now flickers amid the morning mist.

The water now lies mute,
as if undecided between bursting
into sharp white splinters or breaking
into a soft blue trickle.
Instead, it teases out the numb ache

that streaks my conscience. You could change these three verses. They are good, but try to put them together somehow.
We used to sit here and long at the stars:
consider their pretensions, That word is too scientific for that verse
marvel at their aloofness.
We knew their destiny lay in ours. Try switch "their" and "ours" if you want

I wanted to forge the destiny
that I had sketched for us both; nice use and choosing of words
to break the sculpture of her youth,
draw my desires through the yellow canvas
of her curvatures. Verse is too short.

Now as the sun reaches further into the sky,
I reach my fingers into the still water;
its silver slivers cannot wipe her shadow
from my face. And still,
her tears break my reflection
and mingle with mine;

the light disappears from her shadowy eyes,
cold, unresolved. Wonderful