Published September 10, 2009
Imagine me and you chasing the crash of waves
that follow the coast, the evening still yawning into nothing,
then us reaching up to taste the air’s exquisite juice.
Imagine me and you lazing in sun-dried hammocks,
hearts beating to the forest’s circadian rhythms,
tapping each other’s bark for the sap of innocence within.
Imagine me and you casting all care to the wind,
streaking across untreated lawns overgrown with laughter,
rolling in each other’s kisses into the night.
Imagine me and you flooding our mouths with ice cream
as the Paris sky explodes in a thousand Catherine wheels,
the spark of life reflected in your autumn eyes.
Imagine me and you still frozen in our teens, chasing those silly moments
over and over again – imagine us imagined forever.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hi Gahks! I'm Conrad Rice, and I shall be your reviewer.
I liked this poem. That should make you feel very afraid, because if I tend to like a work of poetry, it means that I can't articulate quite what I like about it. Nevertheless, I will attempt to do so.
Well, you did teach me a new word. Before this time, I did not even know "circadian" was a word. But now I do. So, thank you for that.
I have to say that the imagery in the first part of this poem is rather beautiful. I enjoyed it a lot, and that's initially what drew me in. But, your imagery in the last half doesn't seem to fit. Where as before, you were talking about some natural settings beside water, you suddenly jump to Paris. It seems particularly jarring. And then there's some cliche romance stuff right there at the end. I would edit those, giving us another water-based setting and coming up with something a bit more original for the ending.
And, that's really all that I have to say. This is a good little poem here. You just need to work with it and fine tune it a bit. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Again, good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Gahks --
Unlike Dreamcatcher, I don't think that the word choice is a problem. On the contrary, I think you have several beautiful lines here. The problem, I think, lies in the presentation of the poem. The layout, the way you chose to structure it. I really didn't like how you repeated the "imagine if" hook. I think that "imagine if" should be left to the sixth and seventh graders writing their narrative essays. Dismantled, I like this poem. On the whole though, I think it dies in its own sentimentality.
I'll point out the lines I didn't like, due to their banality or because I think you were trying too hard:
"rolling in each other’s kisses into the night.
Imagine me and you flooding our mouths with ice cream"
Don't like the imagery in the last line, and the first line is too...much?
"the spark of life reflected in your autumn eyes.
Imagine me and you still frozen in our teens, chasing those silly moments
over and over again – imagine us imagined forever."
Autumn eyes -- ew. "Frozen in our teens" -- ew. And the rest of it -- cliche.
"then us reaching up to taste the air’s exquisite juice."
What? The imagery here is too disconnected. I don't like it.
Anyway, the rest of the poem was good. I've written poetry on this subject myself, I just chose to go about it in a less formulaic fashion. Mix things up, stray from the repetition.
-Kylan
Okie dokie. The poem flowed very smoothly; it has a good rhythm. However, with the words i find it a but cliche. The concept is used I'm sure you know-- the looking back on younger years and reliving in you mind the joy of the time, but if you choose to write about a worn subject you have to spice it up. Throw a different angle in it. Perhaps from a different perspective or the opposite, someone who doesn't look back on those times for a reason or something like that. Overall it flowed and sounded poetic but I feel like I've heard it many times before. Try a new twist!