I watch deep from the shadows as you dance with her.
A crumbling love we once cherished is in the wind,
Ash, salt or sand - it's blown away.
You touch her neck and kiss her gently without a trace of regret, of the embraces
we once shared and carried.
I divert my eyes but still manage to find you in my focus again.
This illusion of love i'd try to remember, you'd try to forget.
Of all the souls we had met with our hands clasped, what would they think?
How "us" had dissolved to nothing.
I can imagine you to care very little, now you have her.
From this, i find myself fall back into the shadows with the other lonesome folk.
Eyes open and mouth shut.
I hate the taste of tears.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I just love it! It really touch my heart. You definately have the talent to write. Keep writing because everyone likes your writing.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
Amazing, I really felt like everything around me just relaxed. Caught my attention and held it.
You definately have talent I do agree that you should move the embraces line done, but that is my only criticism, keep it up and don;t be discouraged, your writing is better than good.
hahahah it reminded me of that too!
Thanks Matthew.
Another great poem I can relate to. I have to say it reminded me of that scene in Labyrinth where they are dancing in the ballroom. You know the one. Great job keep it up!!!
" Ash, salt or sand - it's blown away. '' I love it !!!
Hey Gaga! Firstly. Best. Avatar. Ever. Secondly, I'm not a poetry whizz, but I'll try my best.
"I watch deep" sounds as if you're doing just that, watching... deeply. If you're deep in the shadows, maybe, "I watch from deep in the shadows?"
Why do you say "a" and not "the"? It just seems a little obsolete.
I'd. Also, I'm not sure what you're talking about in this line- the illusion she's seeing while watching him, or an illusion in the past. Because it's in the conditional...
Of them? What of them?
Capital I.
Alright. Overall, I love your last two lines. They're good. The rest could use a little work. I realise you're trying to tell a story, but I think you're telling it in choppy bits. Try and stay with a theme for longer than a line- you see how basically every line is a new sentence? You jump around a lot and by the end I'm not really sure where you're going as a theme. Try and stick with a few of your ideas for a little longer, it'll give us a better overall picture. But otherwise, lots of your images were nice
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
This poem is very lovely I only found two very small errors in this:
Overall I enjoyed reading this poem, good luck and keep writing!
-M.
Hey there!
I love it. XD
Like the others had said, this seemed like a perfectly good story. =]
Awh. I could feel the emotions you wanted us to feel.
Keep up the good work.
Keep writing.
-KAT <3
Interesting poetic prose... I would consider capitalizing "I" throughout the poem.. the difference was somewhat distracting for me, despite it's being such a minor detail. I also think that you could switch some of the lines around to even out the flow... right now it almost feels like some lines jut out. Overall, nice piece. I really liked the imagery.
Coral
I loved it. I could really feel your emotion and it seemed very interesting, almost as if it could be a story.
Good job.
I liked how you didn't rhyme. It was great! I liked how you were hiding in the shadows watching them. Your good. Keep it up!
Hey! I thought this was very good! There is only one bad I would like to touch on really quick.
The part in red, in my opinion should be moved down to the next line. To me it just seemed awkward reading it there. Other than that very nice =)