the end of virtue
she has a legacy before her.
all of her children are standing
in a row on the stage with a black curtain
pouring across their backs.
each one’s smile is the moon
round and yellow and crusty
and she’s sitting in the darkness
with a broth of persons all around her
like an audience, breathing and brewing
into some sort of emotion, some sort of finality
of ovation. whenever their son smiles,
an innocent, never-bloodied smile,
they clap hands with cupped fingers
like the mouths of mussels.
when she drives home
she looks at herself in the rearview mirror:
the lipstick allaying the wrinkles on her cheeks
and her clear, wet eyes veiling the black pockets
underneath them.
it’s not yet dark
but the front lights are golden and on.
she tells her son how nice the show was
and how nice he looked and how nice he smiled
and her son doesn’t care
because he’s used to watery, gratuitous,
motherly affectation.
when he looks over to her,
she closes her eyes in a pugnacious, martial anticipation.
he thinks she’s pushing the wheel away
from her chest, as if she doesn’t want
to drive anymore, with elbows popped
open and extended like umbrellas. there’s a screech
like the bark being ripped from an oak tree
and there’s glass on the asphalt and his
pants are wet and there’s some sort of
dog-like animal breathing on him, and he wishes
he was still smiling moons on that stage.
when he’s picked up from a scrunched-up window,
he can only see the tree’s limbs over him.
he thinks this is a dream (or that he has dreamt this before):
every leaf is like a flag
and they’re all half-raised on their branches,
apprehensive that the cold weather
would clot them together on the ground
like blood.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Wow, very, very expressive. It is sad. But I really liked the emotion and description. You needs capitals when you begin a new sentence. And here are some things I found.
"and she's sitting in the darkness.." Change this to a sentence instead of letting it run on with the description of the smiles. So it says. "She's sitting in the darkness....'
'extended like umbrellas. there’s a screech
like the bark being ripped from an oak tree
and there’s glass on the asphalt and his
pants are wet and there’s some sort of
dog-like animal breathing on him, and he wishes
he was still smiling moons on that stage.'
In my opinion, it should say:
'...extended like umbrellas.
There's a screech
like the bark being ripped
from an oak tree.
There's galss on the asphalt
and his pants are wet.
There's some sort
of dog-like animals
breathing on him.
He wishes he was still smiling
moons on that stage.'
There were too many run ons.
On a postitive note... I really loved the last stanza. It was beautiful. I thought this was a very well written poem and can't wait to see more.