Jane’s Animals (Don't need an apostrophe, it should be Janes Animals)
I think about writing a poem as I (A poem though within a poem... An interesting idea, but it puts me off reading a little.)
leaf out of my room to the humidity (You're trying to hard here to put words in to match the summer foliage idea. It's too noticeable.)
of corridor air, like rolling head- (Get rid of the like)
first down the stairs.
they’re begging for mercy, for freedom, (Capital T on they're)
for Jane, locked inside their cage. I (Locked inside of their cage doesn't fit the sentence here.)
look out the window: it’s raining,
and the towers of New York are corned (I think you mean cornered here.
in black clouds.
They don’t seem to care that the sun always
rises on them first, sets on them (this line annoys me a little. 'rises on them first, sets on them last' Doesn't fit well together.)
last.
I think you're trying a little too hard to input imagery in the poem, if you can take some of it out and make the rest more subtle it would be a nicer read. All the same, I enjoyed the poem as it's fresh and new than other poems I've been reading lately. Well done.
Points: 2090
Reviews: 15
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