here I am once again,
singing out of tune
dancing without rythym
painting without paint
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth
oh sweet sir may I interest you
my sweet oblivion, Im in orbit
the narcotics are mezmerizing
why cry I havn't lost anything
slowly dying feels great
maybe you should get out of me
Im done with you
maybe I should wake up from this sweet release
or maybe just a few seconds more
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hmm...Godame it Bubbles! you stole all the points! *sulks*
But aye, punctuation, spelling and popping one half into a new verse would make it a bit easier to read, I think. But then, I'm never sure how to spell 'rhythm' so...do ask me. (rhythem, rythem,rhythemn...I give up)
I'd write it
Just those couple things, either one of ';' or a ',' would go a long way...and he second half after that, I would make a new stanza. But that's just me. Oh and capitalisation of your lines...unless you want to make an emphasis on the -lack- of said event that is.
I -loved- this part
Although, make the first line a question and it would be even better. But as Bubbles has said, your choice ^_^
~Chibi
I cant imagine why nobody has reviewed this -- I quite like it! Perhaps you could change the title, though? It isnt very...promising, LOL. Anyways - to the crit!
here I am once again,
singing out of tune
dancing without rythym
painting without paint
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth
I think you go on a bit much here. By the fourth line, you've made your point. Choose which "x without y" lines you like best and cut out the others. Too much repetition dulls the senses. I'd recommend keeping the 6th line, though, as it leads nicely into the next part.
oh sweet sir may I interest you [in]
my sweet oblivion, Im in orbit
I love this bit. Seriously. But throughout the poem, I think you need to tighten up with your punctuation. For instance, it's "I'm" and there needs to be a full stop after the last line of the "x without y" section, and there needs to be one after "my sweet oblivion". I'm not sure about the repetition of "sweet" here, but it seems to work for the moment.
the narcotics are mezmerizing
why cry I havn't lost anything
slowly dying feels great
maybe you should get out of me
Im done with you
maybe I should wake up from this sweet release
or maybe just a few seconds more
This bit is a little confusing; needs punctuation and a bit more order to make better sense. Full stop or ellipses at the end (your choice LOL) might give the last line a bit more impact. It sounds like it should have jazz, but it falls flat through no punctuation or emphasis. Work on that.
Overall, a very interesting poem. I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work.
Cheers,
~bubbles