You fit in well here, I can tell that from afar. You see, you are lucky, if he shakes his head, he will not serve you. No one talks back to him here. You fit in well. I will let you drink in peace, I had no intention of taking you from your thoughts. Why thank you. I would be glad to if I was sure I wasn’t bothering you. Most generous of you, I will stay for one more drink. Just a whisky please, thanks. No, I don’t know why he doesn’t speak. Yes, I believe he’s a Jew. Here? There was, not to long ago there was a large Jewish population only a few blocks from here. Well, you know what happened. Yes I did. No, it’s not a painful subject. I left imperial College to fight for my country. That was a long time ago in a country now foreign to me. No, I’m no doctor, but I do not believe his problem is psychological. Iv seen grown men, worn out sailors most of them, come in here asking for no more than a whisky to warm their sea faring bones. No, often he serves them. Sometimes though, a man comes in, dull eyes still watered down and weary from the rhythmic pounding of the sea. A man so pathetic in stature, one would be cold hearted not to serve him a whisky. He simply shakes his head. No I don’t know why. No, no one ever protests. His intelligence? Doubtful. Rumor has it, he used to beg outside this bar.
Years ago they took him on, presumably off the street. Indeed a merciful act. No, I have never engaged in any sort of charity, simply admired from afar. A friend of mine, a church going friend, it is worth mentioning, once said it is often hard for us privileged folk, or once privileged, to get over the initial feeling of distaste for the homeless and needy, and participate in something selfless. Yes, one with a poor understanding of personal agony may call it’s selfish. A selfish mentality not surprisingly gained by many young men during the war. Yes, I say this mentality is common among veterans. It’s simple, before the war, and I speak for myself only, I feared dying; I felt as if death was unnatural and I feared the side splitting feeling of pain that one feels when a loved one dies. No, I am comfortable having this talk. The war numbed my senses and fears, just as it did to everyone else. Dead bodies, I grew as accustomed to seeing as many cold dead bodies as I saw warm living ones. Oh yes, images forever burned into my conscience. Piles of prisoners at a concentration camp. No. All dead. Terribly mangled, so skinny you couldn’t tell their front from the back. Well. Here’s the point. When I returned from the war, I spent a week or two carelessly parading around London, drinking late, sleeping with all types of women. I burnt myself out. London will never be the same. No, I know, it’s pleasant there. I once called it home. Enough from that digression. After leaving London, I couldn’t help but noticing a lack of compassion for others, ones in need. Yes homeless people especially. When passing a beggar on the street, I held on to that penny which I would have tossed to him before the war. I didn’t, and still don’t to this day, consider my lack of compassion for others selfish. Although the war has scarred me badly, I still remain thankful for its presence in my life and the weight it removed from my conscience. No, I would in all honesty say it was worth it. I live for myself now, not shadowed by fear of losing a loved one, or the fear of the repercussions of an immoral action. When I pass that homeless man on the street, I do not feel bad for not tossing him a penny. It’s simple really. Before the war I did not toss him that penny to aid him; I tossed him that penny to feel secure about myself. This persistent nagging on my conscience, the constant need to justify my self and my moral being was lost among the horrors of war, for this, a conscience at ease, I am grateful. Well it is late now, I feel I have far overstayed my welcome. No, in my old age I fear I cannot drink another whisky. Yes, you too, pleasurable indeed. Yes, I will indeed be here tomorrow night. I will keep a keen eye out for you.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Welcome to YWS!
I'd cut this, it clutters up the sentence and requires too many commas.
I think you should start a new paragraph for these last few lines; this one is quite long, and otherwise, the ending feels to abrupt.
I absolutely love this style of the sort of monologue-narrative; I'm not actually sure what it's called, but anyway, one side of the dialogue. It's hard to pull off but it worked here and didn't confuse me too much; I also like the second person in the beginning as it shows immediately that he's talking to someone. However, you do need to watch out for careless typos AND there were a few run on sentences, which are very hard to read, some I had to read more than once. Otherwise, it was great.
Star.
-Mars
Hello
I found this piece very interesting, it took me a while at first to get used to the style of listening to half the conversation but the story behind it all really made me stop and think. Good work 
I am kind of picky, but it's just my opinion so you can ignore my comments if you like.
I like how you show the casual tone of someone speaking, but I do think you could at first mention that who he is referring to is the barman- just seeing as he crops up a bit later on in the conversation and it might be good to make clear from the start who he is. Maybe you could just change 'if he shakes his head' to 'if the barman shakes his head' or something like that.
It's a bit of a change from saying he would leave to being very happy to join him here, I'd maybe make the first part of this a bit less of a statement, perhaps more of a question. For instance 'I had no intention of taking you from your thoughts, if you like I can let you drink in peace?' Or by adding more afterwards to show his hesitancy, like 'well only if I am no trouble' or 'is that OK?' or something added to show more his polite respect for this mans privacy. I know you do say some on it but I think this part could do with a bit more
'to' here should be 'too' and I'm not sure about the repetition of 'there was'. Maybe the sentence would sound better starting with something else like 'You're right'.
I think 'Iv' should be 'I've' here and I'm not sure about 'worn out sailors', I think you could maybe use a better description. Perhaps you could comment on their isolation?
This is quite a long sentence and I do think it works well but I'd maybe think about taking out 'it is worth mentioning' as I don't think it's really needed in the sentence and just makes it longer.
I think 'it's' here should be 'it'.
At first you are making more of a general statement about veterans but then he starts referring only to himself whereas it sounds at first like he is going to give an explanation for most people. You later refer to it numbing everyone else's senses and fears as well as his own so I'd maybe stick to referring to all veterans here too. Perhaps you could take out 'and I speak only for myself', either leaving the sentence without it or perhaps replacing with something like 'and I think the feeling was common amongst others' to relate it to others.
At first he is talking about himself dying but then he is talking about the harm it causes him when others die, I'd maybe keep it to referring to his own death or change 'I feared dying' beforehand to include something about others dying too. For instance 'I feared dying and the loss of loved ones.'
I think it came a cross a bit odd that the man listening to this solemn story would make the point that London is nice, I'd maybe take out 'No, I know, it's pleasant there.' as it seemed kind of out of place here to me
I think this would sound better as either 'I couldn't help noticing' or 'I couldn't help but notice'.
I wouldn't say he has far outstayed his welcome as that makes it sound as if the other man very much wants him to leave which I did not get the impression of previously. Maybe instead commenting on leaving him again to his own thoughts or giving him some peace would be more appropriate?
There is nothing wrong with this, I just felt that you could maybe end a bit more dramatically. Perhaps a sentence referring back to what he has already said or bringing it back to the barman so it ends how it began, like 'Like I said, you fit in here.'
Overall: I did enjoy this piece, it was a different way of reading something but I do think it worked and you managed to show a very thoughtful message in the conversation between the two characters. It's very well written too!
There isn't much description and I think that works fine as it is just a conversation and you have kept the way of talking realistic throughout. You could slip in a couple of pieces about the bar to paint more of an image for the reader although it's not completely necessary. Perhaps when talking of who comes here you could mention how the bar appears or when he first starts talking to the man you could mention the surroundings that he fits well into? I think it might be a good idea to experiment with but the story works fine as it is
You start a lot of sentences with 'Yes' or 'No' and I do think this works well in showing how the other character is responding but a couple of times the piece might run smoother with just leaving them out so that the main character just carries on talking. I'd also think about spacing out this piece a bit more rather than having it in two big paragraphs.
I think you begin well and have managed to show a scene in a difficult way that still keeps the writing engaging. I did love this piece