Young Writers Society

Hey, im just gonna leave a quick review

Well, lemme just say it is very short, but it has a lot of potential. I enjoy the thought of it being lengthened out and possibly even turned into a few chapters of him seeing spirits and talking to things before seeing the creature meant to be his father. It could really be developed more and made into a huge success!!

Anyway, onto the critique.
I do think you could cut back on the solid paragraph. Maybe stretch it out. Press enter when you're going to start a character talking. Like "What are you talking about?"
"Im talking about dad,Mom"
"Dad is dead, son."
Just like that,see? Don't make it one big paragraph. Split it up and length it out.

Next is detail. The entire story is very vague and has a lot of potential to be longer and worth the points spent to publish it. Add what the boy looks like, describe the creature to really send chills down someones spine like....hm...
"The creature was groteque. the skin was bloated and blue, like it had been sitting in water too long. The right right of its body was swelled, as if it was about to explode and splattered watery blood along the walls. The eyes rolled lazily around in its head,focusing sometimes to give me a long and un-nerving glare. I couldnt look away from the hanging mouth and the dripping blue lips. It stood more on one leg than the other. But it was my father. My horrible, dead father."
Make it really make you tremble in fear, in excitement as you describe such a thing more and more.

Cut back on the period. You dont need to put more than 3 or 4 to create suspense. You have a lot more than 15 in one setting and that is just ridiculously excessive. Other than that, I'm not detecting distracting typos.

Don't be afraid to say Hell, Damn, etc. Don't go (Come on, you know where) describe it. Go into detail of where you think the house disappeared and what could be happening there. It would really add to the story okay??

Okay, i think that covered most of it Write more of this, maybe lengthen it out and if you ever need a review don't be afraid to shoot me a PM okay??

Hi! I enjoyed your story very much. I love suspense, horror and such; that's what drew my attention to your short story. However, I must point out that you have several grammatical errors. There's not really any misspellings, however, the tenses (past, present, future), as well as some suffixes have been misused.

"He was unsure how he manage to do it."

This is one example. Manage should be replaced with "manages" or "managed" depending on the tense you prefer to use or the tense your character is currently in. If you are you referring to a past time that he used this power you would use "managed". However, if you are referring to past times and well as times that are to occur in the future you would used "manages". If you use manages that would make it present tense, meaning you would have to replace "was" with "is".

This is just one major problem I saw, but I really do love your story line. I would like to see you take a little more time to reveal that the father has been found dead. I would also like to see a little more of the little boy's character: how does he feel when he sees this? How does he respond, how does he cope with the people around him?

These things will only make your story stronger. I look forward to seeing the changes you make and the things you continue to write in the future! I hope this helps!

-Cay

If I'm honest, horror stories aren't my forte. I'm more fantasy which is why perhaps I am not the best person to review this. Then again, I need to get out of my comfort zone and review something which I don't really review. Let us begin.

I'll be honest, this was difficult to read. Normally when you say this about a horror story it is normally a good thing. Horror = scary thus difficult to watch or read. This wasn't the case. Since it was all one big paragraph at time it felt like a chore. Paragraphs and better sentence structure will help this in a massive way.

The story itself I didn't really like either. The pacing is all wrong and it goes by too fast. There is no build up, no suspense, no reason to care about James and what happened to his family. I knew where everything was going and there wasn't anything new about this story. It was bland and very unoriginal. Try adding your own twist in this typical horror story.

What I did like was your ending:

Until now, he believes that the house still exist............................not on earth..............................but somewhere deep down below....................... ( come on, you know where)