Forced apart just after spring
Parents saw a photograph
There's nothing worse than that sting
It was a sin like the golden calf
I would do anything
She wasn't my other half
She was my everything
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137,826 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
HELLO!
I'm ILoveBooks! Ready to review your work!
Anyway. This is a good poem. Short but interesting on. Okay I already saw the rhyming of the poem at first I didn't saw it but now I did. Anyway, I need to tell you some things...Are you using a lot metaphorical words here? I'm just wondering about that. I also need to clarify that make everything clear here. I mean, the readers including me need to know what really happen. And like for example what was on the photograph that the parent saw? And who is being describe and being put on the poem itself? So that's all. Nothing really wrong with your poem. Just make everything clear before publishing it.
That's all
-ILoveBooks123
This was good, but I think you need some pointers. First we'll start by reviewing the sentences.
"Forced apart just after spring" The thing is, who was forced apart? It would've helped if you described who it was.
"Parents saw a photograph" Who was in the photograph? This needs a lot of clarifying.
"There's nothing worse than that sting" This part seemed a little forced. You can tell that the parents were feeling hurt for the people in the photograph, but it'd help the readers if we knew who was in the photograph.
"It was a sin like the golden calf" I could tell you were trying to be descriptive in this part, but yet again this was forced. If you try to sound more natural, it'll help a little.
"I would do anything" The thing is, how do you tie in with what's going on. I can't tell if those are your parents, or a friends.
"She wasn't my other half" I'm guessing there was a divorce now. Maybe between the parents. I'm not sure, and that's what's very frustrating. If you described what was going on, it'll help.
"She was my everything" Now I'm guessing you married your half sister. You see how confusing this is. I can't tell where your coming from, or if your coming into this story at all.
Try to put more feelings, and change the wording a bit, ant this will help the poem a lot. This was still pretty good, so don't get down on yourself, just try to adjust it. Thanks for the read, and have an awesome day!
I'm assuming you've heard of T.S. Eliot? I'm sorry you don't get what some others get from my poem but I don't think marrying my half sister was conveyed in any way in my poem
I'm so sorry. Now that I read over my review, it was really harsh. Your poem was lovely, just a bit confusing to me. Again, so sorry about that.
No need to apologize I assure you me feelings weren't hurt you have a voice and an opinion and I value and thank you for your feedback Its not like I'm a serious writer trying to make a living of this merely a teenager that was (and still is) going through a hard time and experimented with writing for a type of release I only wanted to put my experience on paper if you will to see how it would be received I realize I'm not a master writer (In school I do better in math than English) I'm sorry it was a confusing poem I don't have the liberty of seeing it from the perspective of someone that doesn't know what happened and I see that that impacts my writing and it'll be something I work to improve to help clarify my later works I hope you didn't take my previous comment as being bitter and of you did I hope it doesn't keep you from reviewing some of my other works should I choose to continue writing
Oh, it was fine. I'm used to people getting annoyed with my reviews. Yous was pretty serious though. You had me worried for a second.
Hey there Kat here to review for Team WHY?
Aw this is really really really sad because I can relate . I loved this person dearly but there was a stupid mistake and he was gone ad there was nothing either of us could do . I love the length of this poem . Short , sweet, to the point . Like the knife that must be cutting lines in your heart . Have faith . I love the line "She wasn't my other half , she was my everything ." because I was like wait I though he loves her and then I was like 0.0 oh that's so romantic and sad . I love your rhyme scheme ad how everything ends in ing or the ph sound. Very cool.
Much Love to you
~Kat
Thank you that's what I was going for I was also looking to add something along the lines of empty shell I'd love to hear any suggestions
Hey I don't know if you'd care but I wanted to thank you again for your kind words. I thought it might make you happy to hear that we were reconnected. Well I don't know if reconnected is the right word. Her parents allowed me to see her a few times and she's even been allowed to text me. She's so perfect in every way. School is going to start up soon so that'll be good for us and we hope to attend the same or nearby universities in the next year or so. Thanks again for your support!
That's great
Hello Gsum! The Silent Bagpipe her to review your work!
First off - This poem was cool I thought, I loved the rhythm and how it flowed. The only problem is that there wasn't much explaination here....
First sentence questions - Why were they forced apart? I think if you added some description of what was going on it would make a little more sense. Who was forced apart?
Second Sentence - What was the photograph of? How did the parents see it?
Third sentence - What sting? The sting of what? Pain? Being apart?
Fourth sentence - What was a sin?
Fifth - it was ok.
Sixth - "She wasn't my other half" ? (you said me)
Seventh - Why was she your everything.
Okay all I have to suggest is that you make this poem longer, and maybe more descriptive. All in all though it was good. I liked the idea of it <3 If you decide to make it longer and more descriptive, pm me and I'll come read it again cause I am really interested in what your writing about
Keep writing, you do have a lot of talent in rhyming and making things flow!! Which is a really good talent for you to have, if you open up your imagination you could do great things!! PM me if you have any questions at all. I'd love to help! Give you some pointers that I got from different people =)
~Selina
Thanks I might but I don't know I kinda like the idea of letting the reader infer plus I don't want to release all of the details to keep it appropriate
Hello GSum,
Myjaspercat here for a pre-review day review...
So my overall thoughts about this was 'wow this is short'. Now I know that it is ok for a poem to be short, but according to your title I would have thought there to be more. Since this is short though, this probably wont be that long of a review; I'm just going to try to add to my overall impressions of the lines and what this could mean.
1.) So first; "Forced apart just after spring", ---Alright so I want to know how you were forced apart from 'her'. What happened? Was it a fight, or did someone make you both leave each other?
2.) "There's nothing worse than that sting" ---What sting? Was it the pain of leaving her. I think you could have a stronger word choice.
3.) "I would do anything" You would do anything for what? I guess this is a simple answer but sometimes when your reader is analyzing this poem they may not be thinking of the overall sense of what is happening. It's good to leave subtle clues through out your poem.
So really, I think you could make this a little longer to let your reader fully get the feel of this poem. Also I felt that you tried to rhyme to hard. Remember that not all poems need to rhyme. Just keep that in mind. Anyways, there really wasn't much for me to say cause of its length so I hope what I have said helps. Good luck and continue writing. ----Myjaspercat
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"And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy." --Edgar Allen Poe
"I - will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all." ---Marc Norman
I changed it up a little I'm not very serious about writing just looking for something to vent a little
Well ok, but I think you should become serious about writing, especially if you post it to get reviews. I think you could write some nice stuff.