Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
My parents started to cry as shabby camper van drove off. i turn and i saw the hospice it looked cold but it actually wasn't. the only reason i am here is because i have cancer. "what are you up to and what is the matter" said nicky. he was with my two other friends Millie and Lewis they were the only ones i could trust in this place, this scary place. "well my parents just came to see me but it is so hard to say good bye and i miss them so much and my brat of a sister" i said with a tear trickling down my face. " well it is nearly 10 we better get to bed we all shared the same room seeing as we all had the same problem. the light was turned off. i woke at precisely 12.05 and i heard a scream coming from the corridor so i woke all my friends and said " listen to that it sounds so scary" i pushed the button which makes a nurse come to you straight a way. but it didn't work so i ran outside and pushed that one and that one worked. so all i could see was some one in there it was only because she had her nee cap pop out in the night. we were all awake at 10 am i said to Lewis "are we friends"
he replied "yes but there is something i have to tell you i am in love with nicky". i stood there speechless. "well that is OK because i am in love with Millie and she is wonderful i would ask her to marry me if i could". nick came along. Lewis told nick how he felt and from then on i went out with Millie (who made me the happiest man alive and Lewis went out with nick.
Okay well before I go too much further here, I do have to say that perhaps you could do with some paragraphing here, along with a second sweep there for grammar. Normally I never really bring up that in a piece since its always fixed by the end anyway, but in this case there's enough mistakes to interfere with the reader's understanding of the piece so I felt I had to mention it.
Now after a bit of effort here to actually try and understand what exactly is going on here, I think this does have some potential here. Some of the dialogue here and such definitely needs a bit of improvement, but even as it currently stands, the premise here seems like something you can certainly get people interested in.
I think you have the right ingredients here in this piece. There's enough to draw from plotwise and the characters just need a little bit of fleshing out here. I think you really don't have to do too much here to get this to be a more serviceable piece, but as it stands it is going to need some work here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
) but I suggest you delete your topic, say this out loud to yourself, correct mistakes, read it again, correct mistakes, read it out loud to a parent, correct mistakes, then read it out loud again to yourself, correct mistakes, and then repost it, reading it out loud to yourself one last time (I hope by then you've memorized it!), and post it, after correcting another zillion mistakes.
).
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