Published January 29, 2007
CHAPTER ONE:
FLIRTING
I’ve always believed in fate, just in different ways to most people. I believe fate pick people, in other words, some people are free, and some are bound by destiny. I believe I was chosen by fate.
I’m quite a good looking boy; I can get most girls if I want to. My name is Jamie Trembath. In most ways I’m ordinary, but in one way I’m not. I am a victim of fate, which is why I am telling this story. It isn’t really a story, this really happened, just as I tell it.
Sorry I haven’t really introduced myself. You know my name is Jamie, but that is all. Well, when this happened I was 13. I lived with my mum, Hellen. I don’t know my Dad, destiny didn’t want me to know. Right, now I’ve got that out the way, let me tell you my story.
It starts at lunch time, I normally play footy, but I’ve just caught sight my kind of girl, and she’s alone. She is blonde, and she has bigger knockers than a sumo’s arse. I walk towards her. As I get close I smell perfume (now I’m turned on). I also sense something, something I’ve never sensed before. Time to pull the oldest trick in the book. I pretended to trip, and knock the girl (what a perfume). She turns to face me. “Sorry I…” I start, but don’t finish. I know why I felt weird…….
I turned away to run... too late she has got me. No one is around, I’m on my own. “You know what I want” I pause, a man’s voice. I sensed destiny about this person. But it was my destiny I felt. I turn. The girl is now a man. “Who are you” I ask, “that isn’t important” he replies “tell me what I need to know”. Something triggers, and somehow I know what he wants. “ She is at home she will come to pick me up in about three hours”.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Hello
.
Your writing certainly shows some promise. Remember - the trick to becoming a good writer is to practice. A lot.
Some things to consider:
- You're character is a Mary Sue. That is, he's an idealised version of yourself - handsome and confident. Mary Sue's can make for rather dull characters, so you'll want to avoice them.
- Your writing seems random at times. You go from 'I believe in fate' to 'I'm hawt!' to an introduction of your main character, and this left me disorintated and confused.
- 'This is real - you have to believe'. I've lost count of the number of children and young adult books that start with that. Cliche.
- Um, I'm not sure about your description of the girl. 'Big knockers'? But meh, you're 13, so I suppose that's to be expected. The comical tone doesn't fit the story though.
- Your dialouge is confusing to read. Remember, each new speaker gets his own line.
I stopped reading after this line.
OMG YOU CAN'T STOP THERE. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? WHAT IS GOING ON!? ME AND BRAD MUST KNOW!!!