Hello .
Your writing certainly shows some promise. Remember - the trick to becoming a good writer is to practice. A lot.
Some things to consider:
- You're character is a Mary Sue. That is, he's an idealised version of yourself - handsome and confident. Mary Sue's can make for rather dull characters, so you'll want to avoice them.
- Your writing seems random at times. You go from 'I believe in fate' to 'I'm hawt!' to an introduction of your main character, and this left me disorintated and confused.
- 'This is real - you have to believe'. I've lost count of the number of children and young adult books that start with that. Cliche.
- Um, I'm not sure about your description of the girl. 'Big knockers'? But meh, you're 13, so I suppose that's to be expected. The comical tone doesn't fit the story though.
- Your dialouge is confusing to read. Remember, each new speaker gets his own line.
Points: 9907
Reviews: 506
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