This is very rough and I'd appreciate critiques. I'm not at all satisfied. Be harsh as necessary--I can take it! Call it horrible if that's what it takes to get your point across. 
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“Next!” The line moved. Tina moved.
One inch closer—to what? To having the cold metal band wrapped around your waist, the feel of a finger with water running in a circle on skin. The tick marks on the band, each one meaning something that could decide fate. One mark too many and...
Tina shuddered and put a hand to her shirt. Could she feel the outline of each rib? Yes, maybe if she just sucked in a little more—oh, why had she eaten two meals?
“Next!” She moved again and stepped on the shoe of the girl in front of her.
The girl turned. Her eyes looked like chipped glass, so without life that looking through them would be distortion. The black pupils flickered at Tina and shifted forward. Her legs trembled, she was so skinny.
Yet she was known as the prettiest girl in the school.
“Next!”
The girl ahead of Tina was at inspection now. Tina turned. She was the last in line.
Tina sometimes felt that the world was all wrong. Sometimes would take out her hidden stash of history books and run her bony fingers along the edges of the white faces of important figures from the past, her mouth slightly open and her breath covering the pages with longing and dust.
And sometimes she was like the rest of society, sitting in her bed on cold winter nights blasting UV rays from a handheld device onto her already-browned skin. After all, the tanner the better.
She couldn’t believe that there had been a time when brown-skinned people were killed for being...well, beautiful. Dark. Beautiful. Skinny. Perfect. Skinnier. Perfecter.
“Next!” Tina was up.
“Name?” the man asked. He had muscles trimmed and polished by the work of muscle enhancers.
“Tina Draper.”
“Uh—how is that spelled?”
Tina blinked.
“I said—how is that spelled?”
“T-i-n-a...”
“Go slower.” The man’s eyebrows collided in concentration.
“T...i...n...a...” She spelled out her last name.
“Alright. Step in the box.”
Tina took a step.
The jungle made itself known. The orange light of the laser beam sun ran races across Tina’s almost completely exposed body.
Beep, beep.
She was tan enough.
Three metal tiger-claws reached down and danced across her hair, snapping hungrily at ends. Twirl, spin, scan, discover...
Beep, beep.
She had the right hairstyle.
A tall blade of grass made of silicon trailed along Tina’s cheek and eyelashes.
Beep, beep.
Make-up. Good.
Tina knew what was coming next. She shut her eyes and listened to the hiss as a metal snake shot from the jungle depths and wound around her stomach. Tina could almost feel the seconds falling from the sky in a torrent upon her shoulders. One, two, three, four...
It wound tighter.
Five, six, seven, eight.
There was a hum; Tina sucked in.
Nine, ten, elev—
Beep.
A single beep. That was all. No more, no less. Tina’s eyelids flew open, her hands groping wildly for the measuring band. She pulled it off, pull, pull, snap! A burst of sparks! Tina stumbled to the side of the box and ran her fingers along the walls, searching. Bang! Bang! She pounded, screamed.
A red light flashed. The door opened.
“Stay there.” The man grabbed her arms so she couldn’t flail. A siren called, a lone wolf howling into the darkness. Tina was shoved in the back of a car. Immediately, a voice sounded.
“You, Tina Draper, are one eighth of an inch too...fat.”
“No, I-“
“You do not have the right to interrupt, nor the right to remain in this world. As a society, as one connected, beautiful people, we recognize physical beauty as a thing of importance—“
“It’s not though!” Tina shouted.
“How dare you say that. You are fat, Tina Draper, fat! You do not belong. Have you eaten more than you were supposed to to fit in with everyone else?”
“I-“
“Answer the question,” the voice said.
“Yes! I was hungry!”
“Do not use that word.”
“Hungry, hunger, food, food, fat, starve, famine,” Tina spat.
“You know large words. How?”
“I read.”
“Does your family know?”
“No.”
“Do they eat a lot? Do they tan? Are their teeth straight? Do they use enhancers?”
“They’re normal!”
“They will be killed anyway.”
“No! Will you just listen? Did you know that at one time people were valued for what they did? Not for how tan, how skinny, how large their breasts were. Not for how white their teeth were. They did things. They made a difference. Ever heard of William Shakespeare? Jackie Robinson? Neil Armstrong? How about Queen Elizabeth, Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King? And then look at the girl in front of me. Shaking legs because she doesn’t eat. How about that man? Unhuman muscles just to get ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’.”
“You talk too quickly. I don’t understand.”
Tina felt a tear fall of the precipice of her cheekbone. All she really needed was a bite to eat.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
That was really good. Totally wrong and completely terrifying, but awesome at the same time.
And the thing is, this could be what society turns into, the way we're going. Once upon a time, the bigger you were the better, now big is bad and thin is in.
Your character was so real. Even though you barely told us anything about her, I could feel her there, a real presence.
Your writing overall was brilliant, and I can't find anything to point out. You're going to give me nightmares for the next three nights.
Good job!
Cause your downloading doesn't work *shame on your computer
*
The italics are my comments.
here's the rest of the comments:
It's not a lot, I know, but that's because the story was good, well-written, and... awesome
1. “Next!” The line moved. Tina moved. Repetition of moved, which is alright, but if you want to you could make it even better. Not really necessary, just an optional change.
2.Tina shuddered and put a hand to her shirt. Could she feel the outline of each rib? Yes, maybe if she just sucked in a little more—oh, why had she eaten two meals? Thoughts should be italics, though I can’t be sure if this counts as a thought...
3.Sometimes she would take out her hidden stash of history books and run her bony fingers along the edges of the white faces of important figures from the past, her mouth slightly open and her breath covering the pages with longing and dust.
4.She couldn’t believe that there had been a time when brown-skinned people were killed for being...well, beautiful. Dark. Beautiful. Skinny. Perfect. Skinnier. Perfecter. Just write: More perfect. Also, try to combine these two paragraphs (this one and the previous one), it gets a bit annoying when there are such tiny paragraphs.
5.“Name?” the man asked. He had bulging/vast/massive? add a word here. Everyone has muscles, but some are just.. more defined. muscles, trimmed and polished by the work of muscle enhancers.
6.“Uh—how is that spelled?”
Tina blinked. Consider having her frown, or show that she’s thinking. Why does she blink?.
7.“T...i...n...a...” She spelled out her last name. Have her spell the last name, otherwise it sounds like Tina is the last name.
Anyway I'll do the other reviews I said I'd do in comment form, rather than documents, then
Hope it's useful!
XxxDo
Hey there GML
As I said in chat, here's the review
That story was amazing! It was just. .. wow! I hope the world never ends up like that, seriously, I felt so bad for the MC! The people were so mean! You have impressive imagination to be able to come up with something so strong and vivid !
I'm really impressed with the way you've written it, and will definetly read more of your work. Well done! *huggles GML and praises story*
Only a few questions arose: How did it become like this? Who's in charge? Where are they? Where are the non-perfect people? Is anyone happy?
That's all
Keep writing, and keep being awesome
XxxDo
Thank you all. Gryphon, these were the things I wanted people to critique me on. That's why I said it was rough, because some of those (but not all) same questions rolled through my head when I reread it. Mostly the thing about people dying from being underweight. I've been trying hard to figure that one out...
I actually have Uglies on my reading list. Two of my friends recommended it. I was pretty sure this idea had already been written probably, and I hate writing stuff that's been done, but I hadn't read it yet.
If I write on in this world, I'll definitely answer all those questions first.
Er, I agree with sday about the spelling out of the name. But otherwise, I didn't notice anything.
About the actual story: I liked the idea, but I have to wonder exactly how everyone has survived this. What if someone gets sick? People can lose crazy amounts of weight when sick and underweight people are at high risk in those situations. I understand this is a statement on modern society, but it just seems to me that if this is what is required of everyone, under penalty of death, that pregnant women have got it out for them and everyone (women at least - not so sure about men) is under a great risk of death all the time. And if everyone is that stupid, how did the MC manage to get intelligent? Who provided her with history books. Because you mention her books were hidden, you imply they are frowned upon, so where did she get them from? I can't imagine that they are lying around for anyone to find. Did someone else influence her at all?
Also, why did the character suddenly speak up at the end? She is trying so hard to fit in obviously (it's ingrained, I suppose) and obviously she is not allowed to speak out of turn. If this is so implicit in the society, even if she has different views privately, it seems as though she wouldn't speak out publicly. After all, she is operating by the same rules as everyone else externally.
Anyway, your writing was great. It was just the questions of realism that bother me. This seems a little contrived. I'm curious as to who's running the show here. Is there some convoluted government or something setting this all up? It seems like everyone else is pretty dumb and wouldn't be able to enforce order if it bit them on the nose. Is it like the media, that is selling all this junk about images?
On a side note, have you ever read "Uglies" by Scott Westerfeld? This isn't exactly like it, but it reminded me of that book. Interesting stuff that.
Again, your writing is lovely. I'd love to see more in this world and see a bigger picture.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
Wow. I was near clueless until the end and then the shock came. I disagree with the above grammatical error, and I would like to say that everything in it seems fine. This was a MAGNIFICENT story.
Keep writing.
Wow, I have to say, that was pretty impressive, I'd be pretty happy with that...
It's relevant to modern day, a dystopia similar to the style of '1984' and 'Brave New World', and that's a VERY good thing (Y).
One small thing;
'“T...i...n...a...” She spelled out her last name.' is a little unclear, as it seems that 'Tina' IS her last name. Maybe make a new paragraph, or make a direct reference to spelling it by...well...spelling it ?
Apart from that small thing, it looks pretty damn good, PM me when you write more of it please!
Keep writing,
~sday