Published August 22, 2008
Your Smile So Bright
People may wonder why I get everywhere late
An habit which so much I hate
But breaking the habit I cannot
Hard to break like a coconut
Yet what gladdens my heart is this
Something I’d rather not release
The joy I gain on those lonely nights
Thinking of your smile so bright
That brightens my life every time.
My heart you took you did not ask
Yet yours I seek, an impossible task
You take my only chance to be complete
My chance for love you deplete
My feelings, words have explained
But I find they will not be entertained
So you take your smile away
My eyes can no more see the way
Tears fill my eyes every time
You have taken your light away
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Welcome to YWS!
Wow. A really bright poem. I like this, but there are some parts that are needed to be improved...
1) Try punctuating every line.
2) And the rhyme...ah, well...it was terribly forced. Remember, it's not necessary to make a poem rhyme. Just let it flow naturally.
There are many other errors, so if you could just improve this poem, especially with punctuation and a bit of grammar, it'll be perfect!
Sorry if I was a little harsh. Good luck and keep writing!
hi GAM,
i am new here too.....
it's a nice piece of work though....i feel it could have been better
1)giving your poem an all capitals name really turns off the interest of the reader.i did the same mistake when i wrote for the first time.....
2)when you pen down a poem....please be careful with the grammer part....this may annoy your reader .....eg."my life so dull because you have taking your smile so bright away"
3)"that brightens my life at every time" should have been "that brightens my life every time"
this was again a wrong attempt at the grammer part.....
i really hope i was'nt too harsh.......
otherwise a good attempt.....
keep writing.......