I beg on my knees,
I plead for a kiss,
Just a touch from you I crave,
All my joy to you I gave.
My love for you is like a disease,
one that will never cease.
I cry day and night,
I wish to see your light,
Just to feel alright again,
My heart, I gave without gain.
My love for you is like fire,
An ever burning desire.
I want to die,
I cannot tell a lie.
Just because I wanted you,
All you did was break me into two.
My love for you defies your crimes,
It’s true in life, in death and trying times.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I'm June (or Juniper) and I'm going to run over this for you quickly.
Love poems are the most common types of poems around-- which makes them easy things to write about in a way.
Thanks for the read! Goodluck writing!
One of the major things about poetry that can never be stressed enough is the effect of meaning on the reader. I personally know how brain straining it is to spend hours on a poem (sometimes with a thesaurus) just to make the rhyme sound perfect. I know how it feels when a critic comes along and says "the rhyme is stopping this".
I don't think that the rhyme is necessarily stopping your poem, I just feel that it is not pulling it forward. One of the main tricky things about rhyming poetry is to master how to get the poem up and rolling on it's feet. More often than not, poets repeat an idea or introduce a new one solely for the sake of rhyme.
With that said, let us move onward!
Another thing that's awesome to have in poetry is rhythmic lines that sound pretty and make sense. It's not as fun to the audience to have to read through a poem and drag out some words, shorten others and stuff just to get the whole gist of the rhyme scheme, dear.
I think that the best way to achieve this is to tell the story without telling us. Show us the story instead.
(and, that sounds confusing, no?)
The simple difference is using more descriptive words to make a stanza more appealing to your audience as you go along.
I normally would not have said all of that, but! This is a love poem.
So! As a member of your audience reads this poem, you want to make sure that you have it in here to wow the audience and give us a whole new look on love, because so so so many themes on love have been done, dear, love poems have become a cliche.
As for your poem specifically, I did enjoy it! The rhyme scheme was decent-- not the best, but decent enough. I don't feel as if you got your message across as clearly as you could have, dear, but I want you to read over this and see if there's anything you want to change.
Best--
Juniper
And welcome to YWS!
Well, this poem isn’t bad, but you need to brush it up a bit. Also, my suggestions, if you’re going to rhyme, I’d really put a lot of effort into it, because rhyming is very hard to accomplish, so spend extra time on it to make it flow very well.
Beginning is okay. The only issue that I really have with it is the rhyming, it seems very forced and when it doesn’t feel forced it feels overdone. Again, just take some time to polish. Plus, the last two lines kind of seem out of place. You have seven lines, the inner four rhyme and then the first and last two don’t have a real connection. Rhythm wise, you lose it, the second line feels awkward, and then you have a slight rhythm up to disease, then it falls away with the rhymes.
I think the big issue here isn’t rhyming so much as rhythm. Since, in the first stanza, you did not start off with the rhyming, it feels a little off and over-extended. Fixing that is up to you though, it would just create some structure.
I don’t think the wording of the first line is suitable… ‘Crying within me’ doesn’t really register as making much sense while you’re reading through. I know you’re trying to express a feeling of pain or feeling lost, but the wording throws it off.
Also, I’m not a big fan of ‘only you make me feel alright’ I feel like I’ve heard it before.
This is where your poem is reaching a climax, and I don’t think you have executed it the best way you could have.
There are only two lines that rhyme, and consider the other two stanzas had at least four or five lines that rhymed, this a bit of a throw off, you lose a rhythm.
Making, ‘the only thought that filled my head’ end in a period, I don’t think answers a question of, what was that only thought? I get what you are meaning to say, but I feel the placement is a little off. Yet, the more I read it, the more I like it.
The sixth and seventh lines are too short to fit in; it gives this whole impression of dropping off.
So, overall, it’s not great, but far from bad, just needs some polishing. Plus, your grammar was good, punctuation and all. If you like this poem, I’d work with it.