z

Young Writers Society



Most Beautiful

by GAM


Most Beautiful

I tried to ignore you,
I found it impossible to do.
I tried to speak to you,
I found that even more difficult.

Your sight is so astonishing,
The thought of you makes me shiver.
But I know my way out of this,
I know how the cost of my freedom.
It’s Just Three words.

When I see you,
Things happen to me,
So many things that I can’t explain,
The world around me disappears,
I see you and only you.

You look too good to be true,
Yet every bit of you is,
I need to be with you every time and
I know the price to pay to be,
It’s Just Three Words.

Your smile is so bright,
Your voice is sweet,
One word from you makes my day.
Then, needless to say,
You’re perfect

My imperfection scares me,
Most beautiful, your beauty is matchless,
I can’t even dream of been with you,
Only one thing can bring us together.
It’s Just those Three Words

I have a dream,
That one day, one glorious day,
I will speak my mind,
I will pay the price,
I will risk my heart,
But then you will be mine and
I will be yours
Just Three words will do it all
I Love You

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1275 Reviews

Points: 36224
Reviews: 1275

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Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:22 am
niteowl wrote a review...



There's a good idea behind this poem, but you're bogging it down with too many words and a poor rhythm. Overall, this piece is vague and thus fails to capture the reader.

The best way to fix this is with better word choice. Instead of just saying this person is beautiful and perfect, make the reader see this beauty. Show me the narrator, struggling to say those words, how he looks and act around her, how she looks and acts around him. Let me hear the beauty of the voice, feel the narrator shiver as she approaches. Paint me a picture, and then I'll care.

Not a bad start, but try being more specific with your word choice and adding more images. Keep writing!




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47 Reviews

Points: 3337
Reviews: 47

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Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:48 pm
Shauni wrote a review...



Hi there! This is nice but it needs to be polished. When we read you work, I will be sincere, it's boring, too long, to much talking. As darko.demark666 said, shrink the poem, It's too long and you stretched the ideas and emotions until the maximum, no good.

I tried to ignore you,
I found it impossible to do.
I tried to speak to you,
I found that even more difficult.


You, you, you, don't use it so many times. It doesn't read nicely. Poetry can implicate repetition but not like this. It's pushed and you start badly.
You can always make better

I tried to ignore
but that was difficult for me
I tried to speak with you
But it just wasn't meant to b


Your sight is so astonishing,
The thought of you makes me shiver.
But I know my way out of this, *out of what? the feeling of sadness or the strength to get her?:?:
I know how the cost of my freedom. *creepy sentence, badly made*
It’s Just Three words.


This is strange, really strange. I advice you to rewrite the poem all again with the indications. It will be a lot better. "Your sight" is her vision(with her eyes), not her image.
Nothing rimes and nothing flows nicely. You have a good base of work but is not finished.

Your smile is so bright,
Your voice is sweet,
One word from you makes my day.
Then, needless to say,
You’re perfect


This is my favourite stanza it flows nice until we get to the last sentence. You don't need it there, it brakes the flow. (Advice: Take it off)

a) Rhythm: Not that good, try too put all the stanzas flowing.
b)Verses: You have a big variety of number of verses. Doesn't work well.
c)Message: It's very repetitive. Try to concentrate it in small and clear stanzas.
d)Overall: V
Nice poem but needs lot of work. Keep going!:D

Rachel


P.S. Maybe I'm not the best person to help you, but these are some advices. If you need extra help, ask someone else that better than me.
See ya!




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223 Reviews

Points: 1659
Reviews: 223

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Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:44 pm
darko.demark666 wrote a review...



Hey there, I had a feeling that you are hitting me with words.... like you're just saying something to me that nobody wants to listen... Too many words, too many thought and no pauses....like one long sentence....

1. "It's Just Three words." What three words? What's with the caps??? Why do you pulling the reader through the whole poem for that three words?

2. "You look to good to be true" What a cliche. :)

3. The structure is pretty messed up. 4 verses...5 verses...132 verses...make up your mind.

4. Try to shrink the poem and get the essential of it cause like this is ...I don't know...messed up...:)and too long (I don't mean the whole poem but the sentences in the stanzas...)

5. "But then you will be mine and
I will be yours"...
but hen you'll be mind
and i'll be yours... and stuff like that...

When you do that, PM me for more reviews...or anything...





“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women