Love So Close
Days and Nights, I searched in vain.
Every step I took, taken in pain.
Yet I feel that all this pain will yield no gain,
My tears keep flowing like heavy rain.
My outward joy, I can no longer maintain,
Will I ever find my Love?
She may be in the valley or on the mountains,
In the deserts or in the forest,
In an hut or in a mansion,
Abroad or here at home,
She may even be closer than I think.
Yet I realize that she is too far away,
Farther than any place my imaginations can reach.
Where will I find my heart’s only thought?
Maybe at night or during the day,
During the cold winter or the hot summer,
On a workday or on a weekend,
When amidst a crowd or when alone,
I may even find her now.
Yet I feel that she is stuck in time,
At a place in time that I cannot reach.
When will I find my heart’s desire?
Now that I have found my one true love,
She erases every doubt in my mind,
She surpasses every expectation I had.
Her smile is brighter than I saw in my dreams,
It relieves me of tension and attracts my attention.
Today with joy, I dare to mention,
I have found the most beautiful flower,
A treasure I will never let go of.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
My favoyrite part was, (quoted bellow)
I enjoyed reading this poem, while reading it i felt is if you were sharing a special story with me,
it was deep and full of true emotions.
I dont have much to say mor that this is some great lyrics.
I encourage you to continue writing and i hope you continue to mantain your standards, with your grammar, and spelling. you can also add some similies, metaphor, and a bit of irony to make your poems a bit more intersting.
other than that a job well done keep up the good work.
Hiya GAM!
I find these lines could go into their own stanza.
~
Flow- You have an absolutely beautiful flow the first stanza. I love how everything rhymes. However, you loose said flow come stanza two where you list every place your Love might be. You re-gain some of it in your final stanza, but you never quite get it back.
Emotion- I really liked the emotion in here. You do a really nice job of conveying loneliness. I would add a bit more hopelessness though, when you're talking about how the Love feels unreachable. The transition from loneliness and happiness is very sharp at the moment, and I feel like it could be smoothed out a bit.
Overall- I did like this. I'll give it an 8, since you're rating it like that.
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Hey there GAM! Welcome to YWS! You'll have great joy here.
About your poem, the first thing I thought was that this should not be in Narrative, I think maybe in Lyric.
This is good. It shows feelings and emotion, with a nice flow. The imagery is there, but it could be more explored.
This is very good for a 14 years old boy
An advice: don't change your rhyme scheme. In the first one you almost always rime, but then the rhyme is unstable. Maybe try to fix that up.
Well, that's all I have to say. I'm sure someone else will give you a more detailed review.
*Kat*
P.S: PM me if you need any help.
P.P.S: I rated it 7