The fire continues to crackle in the distance. The remains of the wood lie on the barren path, creaking under each footstep taken by the man.
There isn’t much left after the bombing. Remains and rubble lie about the much trodden path. The sky is dark, filled with smoke and ash and all that can be seen is covered in either black or red.
His
mission is to look for leftovers and finish them off. He walks past the
ruins of a burning building which seems like it may fall any instant.
The man sees the house in the distance. It is dark but still the only
structure that isn’t burning in the area.
He approaches the house,
an assassin, extremely quiet and subtle and scans the area for any signs
of life. He hears some sort of clicking and is about to make a move
when a strong wind blows, preventing him from hearing any further.
Once it has died out, he takes out his weapon and slowly moves into position near the entrance. The clicking is louder now, it seems like a clock or repetitive mechanism of some sort. Could it be a bomb? No, he must be wary, and not make haste, for one small mistake could cost him his life.
Suddenly, the clicking stops, alerting him. After waiting for any further sounds or movement, he decides to take a look.
The assassin slowly walks up the stairs, spiteful of the fact that they are old and gets even more annoyed when he finds that the door is just the same, but then of course it would be; this house is supposed to have been abandoned for the past 3 years.
He tries the door knob. It is locked. Strange, it should just be the same way he had left it the last time he checked. He takes out his tools and works on the lock, very soon picking it. He slowly opens the door, waiting in tension as it creaks open, unknowing of what waits for him on the other side.
Soon, it has opened completely. He dares a peek inside. No movement, good, for now. He quietly enters the room, doubly careful to ensure that he makes as little noise as possible. The entrance hall is deserted, remains of broken glass and pots lie scattered around. Signs of a battle, surely. He closes the door behind him, so as to not alert any other enemies in the area. He moves in and as the sounds of the fires outside die out, the place becomes eerily quiet.
The stairs in
front lead upstairs while there are two doors, one at the end of the
hall and another near the stairs. He decides to clear out the places at
ground level first.
Always remove the one at the corner first, as
that one can be the most dangerous. He remembers the phrase that has
been continuously repeated to him since the time he first became an
assassin. Knowing this, he approaches the farthest door, at the end of
the hall.
Equipping the silencer attached hand gun, he careful opens the door, surprised to find that this has been re-attached, all patched up. The door makes no noise as he enters. A single person is sitting at the edge of a window. A .44 is in his hand, the enemy symbol on his shirt. This is all the assassin needs to know, he swiftly takes aim and shoots, the man falls before he can open his mouth completely.
Room cleared and scanned, he moves on to the next door, the one near the stairs.
He observes that this one too, has the new door. He ignores it for the
moment and quietly pushes it open. There are two in this room. One is
sitting on the sofa, reading some sort of blue – print. The other is
talking on his cell phone. Not good. He cannot allow the enemy to be
alerted.
He waits, almost completely closing the door, hoping that the soldiers in the room haven’t noticed.
Soon, the noise inside stops completely. Have they noticed? It doesn’t matter. The job must be done. He enters the room , fast as a viper and quickly takes out both with a single shot to the head for each.
Suddenly, the clicking sound starts again. This makes him further tense and makes the sense of urgency grow even more. Realizing that he must finish up fast, he hurries up the stairs to the 1st floor and stands ready outside the door, which, coincidentally, is again patched up. No doubt there is a reason for this and the clicking. He searches his memory and thanks the lord he remembered in time and did not enter the room in a hurry. It’s a wire trap, three of one, he has already triggered two, and if he had entered the third door, he would have been blown to bits.
Making sure that whole house is clear, he checks all suspect locations and finally finds the data that has been the sub - objective of the mission making sure to avoid the third door. He takes it, quickly steps out of the house, making sure to lock it behind him and leaves the scene, alerting the ally chopper that has been waiting for his report. Once the report has been submitted, he walks off into the fields nearby and as usual, disappears completely.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, there! Thought I'd check out your short story, and here's a review.
Couple of nitpicky things first.
The use of 'an assassin' here doesn't work, grammatically. The way you've written it, it looks as though you're calling the house 'an assassin', from a grammar view point, and even though I get what you mean, it's probably something worth fixing. Maybe let us know that he's an assassin at another point.
The second sentence here doesn't quite work... I think it's because the 'No' seems slightly disconnected from the previous sentence. Maybe consider getting rid of the 'No' at the start of the second sentence, or perhaps adding another sentence that he would think 'No' in response to.
There were a couple of other sentences here and there that you could work on, but, in general, this was a really strong piece. You had fantastic imagery in the first few paragraphs that really set the scene. Your use of description was fantastic there, and as a sucker for detail, I was instantly drawn in.
I think the end wasn't quite as strong as the beginning, you lost a little clarity, and the pacing wasn't done as well. I wasn't quite as pulled in by it, compared to the start.
I was impressed by the world-building you've shown. Although the reader doesn't know any specifics, enough is set up so that it makes sense, and doesn't feel like this guy's randomly breaking into houses. I think, for a short story, the element of backstory is well handled. No info-dumping, but just enough so the reader gets what's going on.
A really strong story. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know.
Thanks! I actually realized these things while going through it. But by then it was a little late.
Nevertheless, thanks for the nitpicking. Always helps, cause you tend to miss such things when you've been working on it for a while.
No worries
Ok, cool. I'm not sure if this qualifies as a mystery but that's beside the point. In the 8th paragraph, it should be " He tries the door knob: locked." the way you have it sounds awakward. In that same paragraph it should be "He takes out his tools and works on picking the lock." Also, when he's going up the stairs it should be 2nd floor, i'm gonna assume it was a typo. Other than those mistakes, it sounds good to me.
I'm not sure it would work best that way, but I'll take it into consideration. As for picking the lock, that would be followed by something like 'It quickly falls apart.' I assume.

Finally, I meant 1st floor, considering the one below was the ground floor