Young Writers Society

Fye wrote:It’s 3 a.m. and a spell is cast.
The book flips open to a sacred past.
The verses lift themselves in perfect grace;
Revealing the meanings behind each face.

A carpenter from Nazareth, the story was told
To save the lambs who heeded a faith so bold;
A faith to trust in Elohim who’s high;
Living to serve with not one sigh.

Now as the room grows dark and I try to sleep,
I pray and hope that God will proceed
To mould me and never let me go;
For only then will I really feel whole.

Edited. Hoping for crits. Please and thank you!

I'd consider revising the last two lines of the second stanza--the rhyme seems rather forced and choppy. Also I don't feel like the last to lines of the poem connect in the way the rhymes at the end should. Perhaps letting go of rhyme altogether and whipping it into whatever shapes your conscious? Great poem, good beginning--original, interesting. Good job.

-Evang.

I actually really like it, but to keep your four line stanza you need to have it written like this

It’s quarter past three
and the book is shut
I sleep in a prayer
to God who is just

Otherwise you break the form of the piece. I really like it that short! Umm with commas and stuff, you basically put them where you want the reader to take a breath, or to separate ideas.

Hey everyone sorry for the late late reply. I'll see if I can edit it a bit after Tuesday.

Via and Cade>> Yeah, I get it when you meant that I need to put more meaning. I might add stanzas.

Cade>> Oh, the rhyming. Sigh, yes, the rhyming. Haha. I think I get what you mean. I'll be reading more poems now if I wanna fix my rhyming and style. I tend to do these rhymings just for the sake of rhyming.

Penguin>> Thanks, dearie Penguin for taking the trouble to crit. Very much appreciated!

And I'll be checking out the discussion area like Via suggested for punctuation.

2nd draft will be up around Tuesday.
Fye.

Punctuation in poetry is a matter of personal choice, though too often amateur writers take this to mean, "Why, be lazy! Do not punctuate your poems!" Usually, it's a good idea to punctuate them.

More advanced poets can use punctuation as a creative tool, but it's a good idea to master the elements before you mess around with them. I'd just punctuate it like you would any other piece; pretend it's in prose form and just put the punctuation in where you normally would. Line breaks should not affect this (I say this because some people put commas at the end of every single line *shudder*).

Meaning. I appreciate that you didn't actually say the name "Jesus" but rather alluded to it. I'm guessing that what you're trying to express here is a faith in God, the importance of the Bible, etc.
However, the line "quarter past three and the book is shut" made me think--does it take only fifteen minutes to read the Bible? Are you trying to say something there? If not, clarify.

Rhythm and Rhyme. It takes loads and loads of practice to master this. At the moment, your rhythm and rhyme sound rather childish. It's natural to want to fall into that rhythm because that rocking feeling is sort of ingrained into human tendencies...however, I encourage you not to do it. It's childish and takes the focus away from what you're really trying to say.

-Colleen

Well now, I really liked that ^.^ I, personally, don't put much stock in punctuation in poertry, not really. And I actually like the feel of the poem, how it flows, with no punctuation. Then again, I am not a poet ^.^ and often include punctuation myself, checking out the thing Via said will no doubt help.

I think the problem with the last couplet was that "shut" and "just" don't rhyme very well, the fact that they sort-of rhyme makes me think that they were supposed to rhyme but didnt, which is odd.

In the end I liked this, short and sweet, though I can also see it being longer. Lovely work dear Fye ^.^


*Hearts* Le Penguin.

[quote="Fye"]It’s 3 a.m. and a spell is cast
The book flips open to a sacred past
The verses lift themselves in perfect grace
Revealing the meanings behind each face

A carpenter from Nazareth, the story was told
To save the lambs who heeded a faith so bold
A faith to trust in Elohim who’s high
Living to serve with not one sigh

It’s quarter past three and the book is shut
I sleep in a prayer to God who is just


Funny you should mention punctuation! I was going to mention it, as well. Basically, you need commas and periods...though you have to decide where they go. Typically, commas are at the ends of the singular lines and the periods at the ends of the stanzas; they can also be every two lines. For more, check out the Poetry & Punctuation thread in the discussion area.

Now, on to the poem. I actually really fancied it...up until the last stanza. The last stanza seems disconnected from the rest of it and feels like an overly abrupt end. I think it does need a little more development, otherwise it's just a poem about the bible. We have all seen poems about the bible--the trick is to make the poem declare something or serve a purpose to make the reader think. Here, it's simply just a short poem about a short bit of the bible. It's needs....substance? Yea, substance. Some kind of purpose.

Anyway, hope that helped!

Happy Editing,
Via