I watch, perched in my kingdom, as the world goes by. Nine lives make for slow days, although many of them have passed already. If you walked by me, me in my kingdom, you would not be impressed. The house is musty, aged, decaying. It smells of mold and time, and the regret of better days lost. Paint peels and hangs from the wooden walls on the outside, detached from those walls by years and years of wailing winds and rough rains. What used to be the garden of a quaint family home is now a shady maze of tangled weeds, intertwined and climbing in a random disarray. Trash and litter and things left behind have piled up in stacks and mounds. The tallest of these is my castle. I sit there, day and night, whenever I am not hunting or defending my territory. To see me, you would only see the outside. You would see the scraggly and unkempt, patchy grey fur, and the wild golden eyes. You would never see beneath those eyes, inside to the pride, the pain, and the memories of wasted years left behind. You might think I am dangerous: a threat. You would be right. If your weak and fragile human body wasn’t at constant risk of being harmed, you might pity me, come over to stroke me, and try to tame me. You would be wrong to do so. I am happy here, happy where you never could be. This is a cat's life, but when I die, nothing will change. This palace is my home, and this rotting, forgotten kingdom will be my heaven.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi!
Well done, you've got some nice description in here. Top job.
However, I wouldn't call it a story, but I dunno....a fragment of ones mind? That sounds pompous but I hope you know what I mean.
By the way, I never thought a cat could think so deeply. Haha!
Good job,
Legy,
I love it!
It gives a great sense of the show don't tell aspect
I also like how short it is, you don't drone on forever but you send the message.
Hi Futurenow, I'm LMJ and I thought I'll give you a few thoughts.
I hope I've been of some help.
I like it very much, it is more of a picture than a story, I can see the cat and its kingdom and I think its very cool, the whole idea that we don't fully understand what cats are thinking. I think as a short story it doesn't work though, there's no story here just a snapshot. I think if you cut some of the fat off and restructure it, you could have a really really stand out poem. It reads like a poem anyway, so it shouldn't be that hard. Unless however the next chapter is something about the cat fighting against hordes and hordes of aliens then a short story is the way to go
Thanks,
LMJ
Can I delete a comment? I accidentally entered this blank.
Hi Futurenow, and welcome to YWS! I'm Alliyah, here to review your piece.
You do a good job of using interesting little details, that get the readers mind engaged, even with little action in the piece. It almost seems more like poetry because, well, nothing happens, but yet you develop this wonderful image and background of a cat's life. I liked your description of the cat's eyes "wild" and "golden". I also liked where you said the human couldn't understand the intricasies to a cat's llife.
There are a few sentences that read a little awkwardly such as in this sentence: "This is a cat's life, but when I die, it won’t be a change." In my opinion there are also a few too many semi-colons, I think you only used two, but I think there's probablly a better way to write one of those sentences.
Another good metaphor you had was the comparison between the pile of garbage and the cat's castle, I know what you mean by cat's making an area "their castle", my indoor cat seems to think she owns the rocking chair in our living room. Thank you for sharing your original and interesting ideas of the thoughts of the cats around us, and good luck to future writing!
Best wishes,
Alliyah~
Thanks for the review and the helpful critiques. Yeah, this definitely isn't a short story, I just didn't know what to call it. Question: If I want to edit it, do I do that right here, or do I edit it then re-upload it?
nvm I got it.
There are some things here that don't make sense to me, but its at least detailed enough to project a picture in my mind.
So the narrator is a cat. Why would you put the brain as one of the assets that no one would be able to see underneath the cat's physical appearance? I mean, what significance does it have?